My Demon (cont) by Lisa Hinsley.

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Fri, 2006-02-03 08:55

http://www.abctales.com/story/lisa-hinsley/my-demon---chapter-9

Hi lisa came in especially to see if you had written any more to this, I enjoyed it but feel you have lost the edge.. between Clive n his friend, and the interaction with her mother is also a bit distant... almost as if she's alone in an island.. where all the action is the sea crashing on the sand..

Still its a very good read!

Fri, 2006-02-03 09:59

lisa h

Thank you Maisie, what a great complement! I have to say, these last 2-3 chaps I liked least, but I felt were needed to express her spiraling out of control. I know they need work, but I'll need some time to figure out how. The next chapters start getting very interesting, her life is about to take a major down turn. Maybe if I put more weight on her depression and feeling of being apart from everything, it would help? And the mother is supposed to be distant, you'll find out why later... Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment, Lisa

Fri, 2006-02-03 13:55

Foster

i agree that there has been a bit of a lull in the last few chapters, but i'm no less interested in the book. i don't expect every chapter to be great - some of them simply need to set the stage so that future chapters can be great. maybe that's what's happening here. like masie, i'm always waiting for the next -

Fri, 2006-02-03 14:10

maisie

im so glad i'm not the only one.... one day of course we can astound our pals by namedropping gently, of course I read her before she was famous............. :) keep the story coming :) by the way you are right back on the money with this new chapter, its got everything including the nightclub atmosphere... :)

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

Fri, 2006-02-03 17:23

Juliet OC

Really enjoying this Lisa, though haven't read latest 2 chapters, so let you know over the weekend. See you are not alone :) Juliet

Juliet

Fri, 2006-02-03 21:39

lisa h

Well cheers guys for all the encouragement, I will keep it coming. Hopefully it will live up to expectations. Maisie - thanks for the laugh, when I'm famous, ha ha ha! Foster - do you know Doylestown? I was there for four years. Thanks again for all the kind comments, please feel free to crit. I need any help I can get...

Sat, 2006-02-04 16:01

Foster

YES i know doylestown - but i never thought i'd see it mentioned here. Its right up the R5, two or three stops past New Britain, strangely enough.

Sun, 2006-02-05 19:30

Juliet OC

Hi Lisa Just read chapters 11 and 12, you really have picked the story up a gear, not sure about podis yet, maybe a name that kinda means what they do would be better, but i need more time with them first. chapter 11 is a biggy with Alex finally being intiated, but it needs more depth to make the podis seem realisitc you need to build it more in chap 11, more about how she felt with his arms around he head, maybe a flash of what is to come. Just my thoughts. But the story is definetly keeping me hooked - more! ty Juliet

Juliet

Sun, 2006-02-05 21:38

lisa h

Thanks for the ideas Juliet. You may be right, will look back in more depth. I wanted Ch11 to have a dreamy unreal effect. But more descriptive shouldn't hurt that. I don't want to give away what's to come, but I can make more of the scene. As for the Andrapodistai (full name) look it up, it is relevant!

Mon, 2006-02-06 18:44

#10

maisie

hi Lisa, im a bit concerned with where the plot is going now. I agree that its picked up again and its still as exciting as ever.. but i have some issues with the freshness of the ideas... I looked up that long word too, btw so as to be sure. Its just that the idea of people being taken over.. is so overdone in so many sci-fi films from the old Proffessor Challenger two forward... to the demon headmaster... of childrens tv. I guess it sells well tho, so thats a plus. And to an old sci fi buff like myself its kinda riveting, but still, i would have loved you to have been more original. Given us something so new.. and exciting that our minds would have expanded (and probably broken) Sorry if i seem so negative, im not really feeling that way even tho iim going down with the flu. Its a great story that i'm still enjoying just dont want to see it fall into a 'type'! best wishes maisie

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

Mon, 2006-02-06 23:46

#11

mikepyro

I still like it as much as ever. I just wish that I could have that kind of talent. Anyway, I agree it needs a little more depth and strength to it, but other than that, "My Demon" has been a great read.

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

Tue, 2006-02-07 23:34

#12

lisa h

What can I say this is my third attempt at a novel and I think it's my best try yet. Glad everyone seems to be enjoying it despite needing a little... more. Which I agree (I'm doing my best). And Mike I have read some of your stuff over the weeks (is it months yet?) that you've been posting and some is really good. Don't sell yourself short, for a kid who's just turned 15, you have a surprisingly mature take on life, and in a few years and more schooling under your belt, you could go far. :) For all those that see Maisie's point please keep reading, nothing's so simple.

Mon, 2006-02-20 16:41

#13

Juliet OC

these two chapters are really showing Lisa abitliy to construct suspense. All the way through it is not clear if Alex's demon is real or not - now with the mention of her fathers delusional background, Lisa once again manages to thicken the plot. http://www.abctales.com/story/lisa-hinsley/my-demon---chapter-23 http://www.abctales.com/story/lisa-hinsley/my-demon---chapter-24 it is a cracking read. Juliet

Juliet

Tue, 2006-02-21 14:25

#14

QueenElf

Agreed, I'm hooked as well. Can't wait to find out the ending.

Lfuller

Thu, 2006-02-23 15:56

#15

lisa h

Thanks Juliet and Queenelf, Nearly there now. Last two chapters are done, it's the two in between that are taking the time.

Fri, 2006-02-24 14:37

#16

josiedog

I jumped in at chapter 25, and have gone back to chapter 1 cos I liked what I was reading. Lo and behold I enjoyed it too, look forward to reading the rest. It starts off with such a light comic touch, very different from this later stuff. Be interesting to see how it all changes.

Fri, 2006-02-24 16:21

#17

Juliet OC

i particularly liked chap 28 - you manage well to convey Alex's confusion about her mother - very realistic. I do feel you make a fast leap from the end of chap 27 where Alex appears to wan to give up the killing and chap 28 when she tries to kill her mother. I suggest you add another scene in chap 27 which sets up the beginning of 28 - just an idea. still really enjoying it - and Alex is a very rounded character - she has her weaknesses as well as strengths. Juliet

Juliet

Fri, 2006-02-24 18:24

#18

QueenElf

Hi hon, I agree with Juilet, Chapter 27 was really ace, chapter 28 started for me a few paragraphs down. Its so difficult setting the scene though. Not long until the end, go for it! Lisax

Lfuller

Sun, 2006-02-26 11:15

#19

QueenElf

Hi Lisa. Chapter 29 reads well, fast-paced and enjoyable. You might need to check on hospital policy. Usually they require a birth certificate before releasing details of a past patient's address. I don't know where my nephew is at the moment, for instance. LX

Lfuller

Sun, 2006-02-26 16:40

#20

lisa h

Wasn't sure of all the policies, wanted to create a feeling of psychiatric hospital that doesn't care so much for the inmates/patients. But I am happy to make changes, if anyone else has more information to offer.

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