Tummy Ache by Emma2004

5 posts / 0 new

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Sun, 2006-01-08 01:29

Sorry for this but have decided to make the effort and comment fully on at least one piece of work each time i visit, hope you don't mind that its your's..........

I really liked the form and speed you have in the first stanza and there are some lovely pieces, one springs to mind.. "suspended Mexican wave" but towards the end of the stanza you begin to lose the form and it seems to disintergrate a little..

The second stanza has almost a antidramatic effect focussing on little details... and has a separate rhythm from the first.

I wish you'd lose the capital letters at the start of lines (perhaps its Word, and not you...) but the use of normal punchiation to your sentences would help the poem sing. All in all, a really nice poem :)

regards maisie.

Sun, 2006-01-08 11:15

Curious connie

http://www.abctales.com/node/547800

Sun, 2006-01-08 16:57

maisie

um doesnt that become inclusion into society... and the reason for such upset when someone is excluded.... without support? i came back once i realised you had had another go, yes its much better .. ssmoother when you read it back, but can you please please do something about the 'itself' at the start of line 5, i keep bumping over it, textually in the read...

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

Sun, 2006-01-08 19:13

lisa h

I read the poem as the basic instinct of child and mother, along with the quiet chaos of post-christmas. I didn't read the first version, but I think it is a lovely read. Lisa

Sun, 2006-01-08 19:17

Foster

lisa hinsley beat me to this, but i wanted to say that i didn't get to read it in its initial form, but i really liked the way it reads now. my favorite line (i'm not sure why): Inside, where Iâ€™ve settled you all, long-since, for the night, grime gathers at the corners of the window ledges. very nice poem, emma2004.

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