Like When Chimps Slap the Floor and Scream - Mulekick

Bit of a game of two halves, I feel. The first half is fantastic - sparse and cold, and the ballroom line is sublime. After that it jumps the shark. Brutal as it sounds, I'd end the poem after the ballroom, because that would distill it down, away from something bordering on the self-indulgent. It's better than that. Ace title by the way. "I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

Thanks for the comments. I generally post stuff on here when I'm relatively certain I'll never be able to get an objective hold on it myself. Something like this poem is almost impossible to edit. As you all are probably aware, it is extremely difficult to tell when a poem about self-indulgence becomes self-indulgent. So if I can get a little more imput, is there anything beyond the ballroom line you think is worth keeping? This version is actually trimmed way down from the original. What bits are still uncomfortably gushy? Thanks Will Tate = mulekick

i personally liked the Buddhist lines - though is it gray or grey? And i like the last two lines - though i don't think they're particularly original, maybe you could come up with a more original way of saying the same thing? But i'm no poet. Juliet

I enjoyed this. I think Bright Eyes' editorial suggestion is a good call. I do like the repitition of 'what a ... I've turned out to be' so maybe you could move a few of those ones in the second half and dot them around the first half. You have to end on the abandoned ballroom. Amazing line. Joe