Mum on Baba
Her thoughts for him are crystal clear,
A love that’s deep and so sincere,
She longs for his touch and cherishes his kiss,
Whenever she’s alone it’s him that she’ll miss,
She tries to show him her love is unending,
But he can never notice that she’s not pretending,
The love she has for him makes her insane,
It’s taken over her heart, soul and brain,
It’s an obsessive love that will never end,
He’s her idol, lover and friend,
I’m the only other who knows of this tale;
The complicated love story that will never fail,
People have tried to take him away,
But she always wins; whatever they say.
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I'm trying to make this scan, and it doesn't. It also doesn't look good and I just read it aloud and it doesn't sound good either. It goes kerbump kerbump chunk clonk clunk. I see the story in it, and that's a plus, but if you're going to rhyme, don't just pick the most obvious rhymes, unless they fit a scheme that you want to work within. If you don't want to work within a scheme, try writing it without rhyme. This gives a couple of benefits - you can select the exact word that you want, instead of settling for one that rhymes , and free the poem up, and it also doesn't punch the reader in the ears by its obviousness.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm trying to be positive in my feedback. I figure that you do want it, or you wouldn't post it here, right?
Miss.jda, why don't you use this site properly? Have you ever read any proper poetry? Are you an idiot too? Answers on the back of a one-way ticket to another site please. Thank you.
im reeli interestedn in this poetry without rhyming now because people have said it to me so many times. i will definitely give it a go.
also, cupid stunt how am i not using this site properly?
The Extra Mile
Along the motorway in our car we drive,
The Turkish music playing makes me so alive,
A strange feeling always takes over my heart,
My family and I however, are still apart,
The family here is important too,
I need them all though; to help me through,
At least I have the knowledge of another type of life,
Where happiness takes over the troubles and the strife,
The people driving past us think they’ve done it all,
But of course they haven’t; they don’t know the rule,
The rule of love is always is always the key,
It’s common sense; why can’t they see?
I look up at the clouds and smile,
Knowing I’ve lived that extra mile.
You're confused are you Jda? I'll tell you what. Go and look at Ritas other posts which are spreading like a particularly nasty pox all over the threads, and see if you can spot anything intelligent, witty or otherwise sane. That should help you make up your mind as to who's advice to take. Just an idea.
Rita, miss.jda is only 14 and can, perhaps, be nudged in the right direction with her writing. Your stupid comments to her, or anyone else for that matter, only serve to keep bland writers in the land of blandness. You idiot.
heres anotha poem, wot dya all reckon?
Emily
Wherever shall I start?
She was my friend and she broke my heart,
I thought she was different not like the rest,
She was a good friend, one of the best,
She was funny, clever and mad,
The three best qualities she could’ve had,
We were similar; Em and me,
We were leaves from the same tree,
I didn’t care if our backgrounds were not the same,
We were friends, that was the game,
For a couple of years our friendship was strong,
But that’s when it started to all go wrong,
I told my friends I was going to see,
My “long lost” relatives who are in Turkey,
From that moment on it was never the same,
They ignored me and hated me, have they no shame?
On that day I was annoyed and sad,
Why did they hate me? It all drove me mad!
After my visit I went back to school,
As a brand new person feeling so cool,
I didn’t really care what the thought,
I had learnt and they needed to be taught,
After putting up with rumours and lies,
All my friends remembered our ties,
Except for the one who was meant to be; my bestest friend, Emily,
I tried to tell her through a mail,
But my attempts concluded to a fail,
She’s moved on and so have I,
So what’s the point to even try?
heheheheheheh! omg! i ant believe that someone actually replied to that in turkish! i only wrote in turkish because i thought no-one was replyin to me in english , it must of worked!
thank you for your suggestion but i can't really be bothered to do all that!
what do you think of my poems?
x
everyone at abctales- please don't believe all these new people because they are my enemies and are making up rumours and lies about me. please ignore it lol
thank you
thank you for looking out for me cupid, it's very sweet of you! i have learnt lots of things from lots of different people on here and i am willing to try all of them because it's a challenge and also because new writing styles etc. may suit me more. :)
Rita's statement may be true, jda, you're entitled to do what you want , but her advice is crap, SHE does what she's advising you to do. Take a look at her forum posts and you'll see I'm right, if you want to improve take the advice of anyone BUT her.
Interesting, but do try to avoid using rhymes merely because they fit rather than because they really convey what you think or feel. Maybe try varying the rhythm. There are some good poets on ABCtales who you could have a look at. I like Liana's work. Most of all don't be put off by any ones comments, least of all mine and keep writting.
thank you for the comments everyone, i will take everyone's advice into account. i have only really just began writing as a hobbie so i'm open to all opinions and am willing to improve my work from them.
and to the person who said 'How is the Rose's life anachronistic?', it's because of where the poem is actually set (which is actually where i live; yeah it's a dump!)
thanx everyone
xx
Laindon
The trees are blowing side by side,
But the life around here has already died,
The sun is shining; the grass is green,
But living around here is just obscene,
Children are playing; the sky is blue,
But it does not change the terrible view,
As I see it this place is grey,
And it’s getting worse day by day,
The people here are all the same,
If it’s not their fault then who’s to blame?
There are no flowers; the birds don’t sing,
It’s always the same whether autumn or spring,
There’s always that feeling hung in the air,
That strange unhappiness that’s ever so rare,
The people here are worse than low,
But what can I say? It’s all they know,
Everyone has that terrible sneer,
But what do you expect? They come from here,
Living here is such a con,
But it’s the best it gets; this is Laindon.
Welcome to ABCtales, Miss JDA,
My own personal opinion is that while it's now considered okay to begin sentences with words such as "And" and "But", it's not such a great idea in poetry. This last poem, Laindon, has six lines beginning with the word "But", three beginning with "The" and one beginning with "And". There's probably nothing really wrong in this except that it makes it appear slightly disjointed. The poem stops and starts at every turn.
This isn't a criticism, just an opinion, and it's evident from just those two poems that you have a fine mind. However, you're not using it. You're taking short cuts. If you really insist on every line rhyming, and there's really nothing at all wrong in that, then just for an exercise why not attempt writing down those rhyming words first and then building the sentences that precede them.
Get mad with your poetry. Drink a bottle of wine, get mellow (not silly or giggly, but mellow) and then write down what comes to mind, and sod whether it rhymes or not.
Enjoy yourself with your poetry.
Oh, and as nobody else has said it yet, the best way to receive opinions on your own work (at least on this website and this forum) is to review other people's. Spend a few hours reading through other people's work, e-mail them privately or even start a thread on a great piece you've read (see even that rhymed). You'll receive a better response if you show interest in other people's work than if you solicit opinions on your own.
Enjoy yourself on ABCtales.
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