Looks like someone's made their mark!
(e-griff thought he was very witty, but noticed that several people moved away from him. he went off to a corner, waiting for ari's song and clutching his lemmingade)
'I went to Canada last June.It's great, like US but laid back and nice. Mind you, I only went to BC and Alberta, I expect the French have done something horrid to the eastern part' e-griff paused and waited for his new friend to speak 'Que?'. e-griff didn't believe in 'spanish practices' so he moved away
(doors burst open, Intstrumentality Guards burst in)
"This is a bust!" Big bloke yells
"They're all flat here, mate!" said an unknown (hee-hee) NEWBIE.
Brushing the NEWBIE (who happened to be carrying a broom) to one side, he announces to the room:-
"ROOM, LISTEN!"
"WE HEAR PEOPLE ARE KEEPING ANIMALS HERE"! ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT"
there was a pause.....
"LEMMINGS?"
"No, no!" " No mate, no!" (chorus from around the room) "We got blancmange, vodka jellies, cock's legs, noodles, red wine - that's all!"
"Oh, alright then" The commander of the guard relaxes. "Hmm! cock's legs! - can I have one then?"
"Oh yes , you're all welcome!" chorused the gang.
(The guards settle down, stacking their weapons by the door)
"What's all this then? " asks the gruff commander, "NEWBIES? - cheeky little things, aren't they?" He ruffles the head of the nearest one, who carried a broom. "
Have some of this commander, sir" NEWBIE proffers a small flask ."What is it son - Robinade?" "No sir, just something harmless" "OK" commander takes deep swig, wipes mouth. "Good Stuff!! ...hmm bit , er ...'furry', but good - any more?"
"Enough for all, sir, enough for all!" nods the NEWBIE with an evil smile.
Where's all that vodka gone? Now I've got to drink lemoncella I brought back from Italy and I think I might bring it up somewhere around that wolf. I blame the culchie.
oo-er. Anyone for dancing? Are you asking? Roll back the carpet Fish and put on something we can all jog along to.
How about some old Rod Stewart and the Faces?
Or even 'I Hope I Die Before I Go Bald' by the Chevalier Brothers.
On the other hand...
'What's it all aboot ay, we're from Canada,
What's it all aboot ay, we're from Canada,
And Tony's got no hair, Tony's got no hair,
Tony's got no hair, but he's not from Canada!'
As you can see, my song-writing abilities are pretty poor. I'm better at dancing. I vote for 'I am the one and only' by that bloke with the mole and dodgy haircut
Sadly, I must now withdraw my fabulous singing/songwriting abilities from the party, in order to go to work. Don't get too upset Griff! Save me some lemmingade and don't anybody too anything I wouldn't do...doesn't leave much.
*staggers off muttering* Now where did I leave my shoes?
(e-griff presses a flask of pungent lemmingade into Tony's hand. "Get that down yer guv," he grunts "are you the guy that gives out the cherries?" "No fear - more than my life's worth!" Tony takes the lemmingade "thanks!". e-griff wanders off to corner, where he spots a NEWBIE!)
(Dear reader, NEWBIES are like overwashed hobbits, pale and gleaming, fingers unsullied by ink and long obsolete carbon paper the afficionados rub all over their bodies as they chant.... (enough! ed))
e-griff speaks: ER I liked that song about Canada. That ari's a nice chap isn't he? never think he drove a rally car! are you spanish?
Scusi; is this a wake or a bender? ooops!
*trips over hairy lemming and quietly skirts around wolf*
I'm new-ish around here great to meet you all. I've brought a few gooseberries along for any veggies that might be interested?
i'm 36 (younger than fish and liana) and I've been on the site since July last year....and it is fab...and great that some new people are coming in....
*sidles off looking for cider, and trying to unload a dodgy beige cardigan on ralph*
hi i'm david and i'm a leo. rar. my favourite colour is purple and i'm addicted to chocolate spread. when i grow up i'd like to be a...
answers on the back of a rejected poem to dogfishstar, scotland.
at the risk of sounding like i know the folk here i would like to say "dearest fish, empty your mailbox a bit so i can cram something small and imperfectly formed into it." so here goes... "dearest fish, empty your mailbox a bit so i can cram something small and imperfectly formed into it."
thank you. you've been wonderful. no really you have.
(grizzled NEWBIE sidles up lasciviously)
got any CHERRIES my friend? (looks round suspiciously) you can give them to me to mind - I'll take care of them. Just watch those soldiers, they're off their heads on lemmingade and vodka jellies! they'll have your cherries off yer before you know it, c'mon, ;let me hold them, please, please, just a little hold?
Guard looks up, shaking his head blearily. Looks at wrist-sundial "UP MEN" "TIME TO GO!"
(Exeunt)
NEWBIE "bye",
(sidles away, (rapidly turning into Gollum, this one!))
( over in a corner, two NEWBIES are rolling on the floor, tussling) "I've been here 5 days, longer than you, I should have the cherry! Give it over" "No, its MY cherry, get your own!" " I WANT YOUR CHERRY!" silence falls. The two NEWBIES get up, looking embarassed. FISH strides over.
"Look boys, we don't need this grief, this fighteeng! we want peeeece! there's no neeeeed for violence!" holding her hands palms forward, she a ssumes a look of sincerity and spiritual angst.
Tony appears behind her. Misinterpreting the loud cry that just rang out, he advises the boys to 'step outside and go behind the shed if they want to get up to that sort of thing'
Ashamed, the two NEWBIES shuffle off. "Gosh, Old Beaky gave us what for, e-griff minor" "Yes,and it was all your fault for not handing over that cherry!"
Just received text message from my Irish cousin Plenty O'Thyme, who oddly enough lives right next door to this party, telling me to hurry back with more vodka and cheese doodles. I'm driving the truck towards you now.......(*click*)
Cor that lemingade is making feel funny all over. Think I'd better hand out some cherries. I've got one here for Zimmy. Anyone seen Zimmy?
Sod it, I'll eat it.
Ah, that's better. I have discovered the antidote to lemingade.
Memo to all employees: Subject-Drive through cash machines.
Please note that banks are now installing drive through cash machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facililty easily, the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please remember the procedure that applies to you when you use the machines for the first time.
Male Procedure
*Drive up to the cash machine
*Wind down the window
*Insert card into the machine and enter pin
*Enter the amount of cash required
*Retrieve cash and receipt
*Wind up window and drive off
Female Procedure
*Drive up to the cash machine
*Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine
*Restart the stalled engine
*Wind down the window
*Find handbag. Remove all contents onto seat to locate card
*Turn down radio
*Attempt to insert card into machine
*Open door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car
*Insert card
*Insert card the right way up
*Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on back page
*Enter PIN
*Press cancel and enter correct PIN
*Enter amount of cash required
*Check make-up in rear view mirror
*Retrieve cash and receipt
*Empty handbag again to find purse to place cash in
*Place receipt in back of chequebook
*Re-check make-up again
*Drive forward two metres
*Reverse back to machine
*Retrieve card
*Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card in slot provided
*Restart engine and drive off
*Drive for two to three miles
*Release hand brake
Now do I get a cherry? Pleeeze
Plenty O'Thyme arrives with more supplies. Then Andrew (for it is he) bursts in, with a BIG box in his arms. "Hi, Andrew", everyone calls (in unison of course) . "What've you got in the box?"
"CHERRIES FOR EVERYONE!" Andrew yells.
The two scuffling NEWBIES are first in the queue, but most of the others are nudged out by the lesser Lords of the Instrumentality, who pull rank (and anything else they can find).
Then - disaster!
"WHO TOOK TWO CHERRIES?" Andrew's voice rings out. everyone stays silent.
Andrew is really stressed out from weeks of carrying the whole, overloaded ABC shooting match on his back
"NO ONE IS GOING HOME UNTIL THE CULPRIT OWNS UP"
Silence
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING YOURSELF, YOU'RE JUST HURTING EVERYONE ELSE"
silence
"THAT'S IT!!!! I FINALLY RAN OUT OF PATIENCE! FROM NOW ON, NO MORE CHERRIES, EVER! IT'S GOING TO BE......"
Here Andrew pauses ominously - Fish runs to his side.The Imperial Guard of the Instrumentality gather to protect him.
Finally, the dreaded word drops like an elephant turd in a bowl of custard:--- LEMONS!"
Distant thunder rolls, the Lords of the Instrumentality back towards the door, flanked by the guards. As Andrew is being hustled away from the crowd of lesser Lords and NEWBIES, cries of anguish and wails begin to sound.
Outside, the Guards check the escape route. "Andrew" Fish hisses "why did you say that - we're in great danger now!"
As they run, a NEWBIE tumbles from a window and thuds on the ground ahead of them. They back away, cut off from the main party, trapped!
... part the next
"Don't worry!" squeaks the NEWBIE, "for I am e-griff, and I come with great tidings as to the identity of the cherry-snaffler!"
Andrew and Fish gasp, bending down towards this tiny figure who holds the key to their destiny. "It was Ursa Mynah!" They are totally puzzled."That NEWBIE I was fighting with!". "I know him" gasped Fish.
They call the guards back,and in front of the now desperate crowd, Andrew calls "It's OK, we've got the culprit - everyone relax!" At that, Ursa Mynah is dragged forth. "Open your hands!" commands Fish . In Ursa Mynah's outstretched palms lie TWO cherries! "but I had one before!" he protests as he is hauled away.
no one notices e-griff slink off. Opening his hands, he chuckles at the sight of the two lovely cherries nestling there.
*collapses on floor at fish + hoxton's feet, having done the YMCA dance for the last few hours, regardless of the song*
*slurs loudly* Hi I'm Beef. I've been on the site for about a year and a half...or is that a half and a year?...I'm 18...spend not enough time writing essays and too much time reading the forums...hic...cup... *laughs hysterically for several minutes, then passes out due to lemmingade poisoning*
Oouta Thyme, fastidious nitpicking cousin from Germany, suggests that egriff is a member of the Spontaneous Generation, as evidenced by the appearance of unexplained cherries in his hands.
Lotsa Thyme, patient Canadian cousin, prepares email for Oouta, suggesting that she re-read the story more carefully.
*Justyn ponders bemusedly*
give me a mo
*swigs more voddie*
ok.. i am the aforementioned Liana.. Ive been here a year more or less....
Its a LOVELY place, which sees argy bargys aplenty, but much guffawing and supporting of each other.
It HAS been accused of cliqueyness.. but its not really true.. we like to think of it as a huge family...we LOVE fresh blood, and welcome you all warmly......
*licks lips*
Justyn, Plenty pass the vodka please.. aquired a taste for it over the weekend.. touch of coke (running out of lemingade) ..slurp. slurp. delicious.
Finally..
Here at last is the KFC Mega Bargain Bucket..
..tuck in everyone.. before fish gets a whiff and the bone and grizzle really gets flying..
Chips anyone. Ralph?
e-griff, have one of my cherries, mate. Got Plenty to spare.
Hmmm, the party seems to have kicked off while I've been hinding behind the sofa... (Looks about wearily, sees the dance floor full) ah ha, now where are those twiglets? Every party has to have twiglets, and those groovy little cocktail sausages and cheese...yes I like twiglets...I know, I know, its sick and its wrong, but I just like the taste of em...so what?
Oh its so hard to find furniture to hide behind when your 6'2! Ahhh floor lenght curtains, maybe I'll wander over here and look out the window for a while...
Hello...a bottle of Jack Daniels...with my reputation? Oh dear oh deary me:)
Justyn, pse assure Oouta that I am not in the habit of grasping my cherries in my hands, or even fondling them for long periods. it's just a bit of 'poetic licentiousness'
Well Hello there!
sombody neer the begining of this thred said that they welcomed fresh blood. Well mines rather fresh as in I only just go into this ear comunity last Saterday. Corse way back then my username was iain_westy (my usual internet name) but seeing as how I would apear to be the only Iain in this place, I quickly changed my user ID to "iain".
(by the way here is a magnum of somthing or other. *tosses a verry heavy bottle of somthing into the party*)
I guess your all simply Gaging to know more about me. Or have I bored you all to death? Well I don't mind talking to corpses so on I go.
I'm a 17 year old scottish guy from the south west of the middle of noplaceinparticular (Dumfries and Galloway)
I'm Dyslexic as you may or may not have alredy guessed, but I never let that keep me back. I have some poetry on this ABCtales thingy and I'm working on a story type thing at the mo, but that wont be ready for some time, as "time" isn't somthing I have lots of. the Dwarfs that I emply to mine "Time" out of my basment have gone on a Union organised strike and my emergencey "Time" suplys are running low.
*stops talking for a nanosecond to nible a small cheese cube on a stick*
I haven't really had a chance to fully explore the lands of ABCtales but I'll get there eventualy, even if I have to cheat and take the short cut.
I didn't want to appear pushy my dear, but if you insist. I'm a 6'1" bronzed 27yr old, drive a Ferrari and own a penthouse apartment on Park Lane. Currently unattached but 'looking'. I've been told I resemble a man-sized Tom Cruise. Any single young ladies that fancy flying down to Rio for the carnival drop me a line.
Those of you that have been around the ABC block so to speak will know I'm a short, fat, ugly, old man just trying to connect!
Welcome, NEWBIE IAIN! I've been in ABC much longer than you, (about probably 8 hours) so if you get any cherries GIVE THEM TO ME! OK? we'll get on just fine.
Here, have a flask of Lemmingade, it's great! (hic!) OH GOD I CAN FEEL THAT PARSON'S NOSE NOW, UUUURGGGH!
Oh that's better.
somone wrote a ditty about it, you know:-
Lemmingade
Lemmingade tastes lovely! Let no-one tell you less.
It has a sort of ‘furry’ taste – but God, does it impress!
Admittedly it’s pungent - it’s cloudy but it’s good!
And chugging lemmingade will build your body, bone and blood.
How do the experts make it? They’ll never, never tell.
They mutter things about a ‘press’ and there’s a funny smell.
I tried to find the secret, but all that I could find
Were crates with things that moved around and puddles left behind.
But I don’t care at all you know, so let me plant this seed:-
Let’s all follow lemmingade WHEREVER IT MAY LEAD!
End.
Now Rupert and his woody pals had found an aardvark’s nest,
So Rupert stripped his..OOPS!#wrong site sorry
Is this the introductory thread?
I've been on the site since late August. I'm clinically insane and imprisoned in a mental hospital called Kansas State University in Manhattan, Kansas (not New York).
I'm also an extremely handsome and very sexy, 19-year-old male. (No one can challenge me on that either!) My mother won't let me read Harry Potter and I have a pink hamster named Basil.
*Now why didn't >I< get a cheese and wine party?*
woops! there seems to have been a hichup in the space time continumumumumum there that caused my message to be flung forward in time and enterd twice on the forum. what is the world coming to these days?
iain ... could you just step aside for a second ...(oh and welcome to the party) ... i am about to shoot hulsey and i didn't really want you to get in range ...
apologies for my client's behaviour ... she is having a minor nervous breakdown and takes exception to mention of cashpoints ... we are working on it ...
Tall person. Some silly shirts. Quiet, considerate, reasoned, polite and charming. Only enters frivolous threads and is advised by Priscilla, my Spiritual Advisor and crack dealer.
Never mind your EYESIGHT! you won't know whether you can see, feel pass water or what! It'll lead you a merry, dance, my friend Ha! (twirls moustache rogueishly)
But BACK TO BUSINESS (gets up unsteadily on table)
EVERYBODY! LISTEN EVERYBODY!
HUSH! (finger to lips exaggerated shushsing)
i DON'T KNOW IF FISH KNEW WHAT SHE WAS STARTING WHEN SHE OPENED THIS THREAD. SHE INVITED ME HERE AND I CAME. I'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY (OFF AND ON) AND ITS BEEN GREAT! THERE WAS THE INCIDENT IN THE CORNER WITH URSA MYNAH - SORRY! BUT ON THE WHOLE ITS BEEN GREAT.
I PROPOSE (HIC) A TOAST TO FISH!!!!! GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO SWIM WITH HER, LETS DO THIS AGAIN NEXT YEAR! (hic)
AND IF ANYONE IS WITHOUT A DRINK, ThERE'S PLENTY OF LEMMINGADE FOR ALL! (falls off table, crawls under, moaning "don't touch the Parson's nose and keep your hands off my cherries)
What a lot of bloody liars you all are...
Now then...
Me, I'm a ol' bag' who's been on the site since its inception (many, many moons ago). I reside in Amsterdam, City of Sin (so they say), and do my utmost to steer clear of that den of iniquity, The Red Light District. Don't always work, tho'.
I say, without boasting, that I'm by far the best poet(ess) on the site and don't give a toss about grammar and/or spelling.
My buckets of Guinness are legendary.
At least some of the above is true...
...pass the Chateau Migraine and soggy crisps, will you L and Fishcake?
*refrains, with difficulty, from replying to Missus' post*
Am I too late for the lemmingade? Been too busy doing editing things! But I have got a big bottle of cherryade here...
Welcome newbies (and hello to all the old regulars) *prepares for seige of 'I'm not old' replies*
Now where did I put those tequila jelly shots...?
*mumbling* Hello, err, I'm Mark *mumble* can't think
of a funny name you see *mumble* melons *mumble* although very infrequently *mumble* I do have *mumble* but I got that seen to *mumble* Once I *mumble* in one night! *mumble* but that was before the accident.
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