Modern Major General

I have to give a speech on the occasion of my sister's 50th birthday party this weekend - and after failing to come up with something sutiably amusing I decided to re-write Gilbert and Sullivan's Modern Major General so that it would fit in with her.

It was good fun and, I think, worked out quite well.

So how about re-writing the first verse and a bit for another ABCtaler. Be kind!

Here's the original lyrics for you to work from:

GENERAL: I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

ALL: With many cheerful facts, etc.

GENERAL: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

Have fun!