May 6th 2005
Scene. Banqueting Hall, The White House. A television flickers silently. Two goons with dark glasses stand to attention. A figure is slumped on the large table. He's surrounded by scattered pretzels, empty beer cans, some marshmallows and a bottle of Jack Daniels. The slumped figure, his face on its side is drooling. The drool is mixing with a pool of beer and drips onto the floor. The figure is that of Dubya Bush. An aide silently rushes into the room with a large cup of coffee. He shakes The President vigorously.
Aide. "Sir, Sir, wake up.
Dubya. "Unhh"
A "Sir you wanted me to wake you with the result of the election"
D jolts upright.
D "I won for chrissake!"
A "No the one in Britain"
D "Oh yeah, who got it?"
A "Kennedy got in"
At this D goes berserk
D "Those fucking Kennedys, they're everywhere I thought we god rid of th"
At this the Aide puts his finger to his lips indicating silence. He whispers in D's ear
A "We might be bugged"
D "By who?"
A "Us"
D Jesus fucking christ what are we gonna do? Bumsfeldt I want Bumsfeldt, an' get me the black chick, uhh Condominium Rice they'll know what to do."
A "ok sir"
The aide turns and leaves. D puts his head on to his arm and slumps down on the table and begins to sob. He gets up and takes the bottle of JD and pours a slug into the coffee. He takes a marshmallow and puts that in as well. The aide returns.
A "They're on their way."
D "Who's this fucking Kennedy?"
A "Oh he's a Liberal Democrat"
D chokes on his coffee
D "Holy fuckin' moly we got a Communist in Englerdom. I knew we shoulda nuked those fuckin' Ruskies when we had the chance, but oh no his brother
Bobby and Jack Kennedy let 'em go during the Cuban crisis"
A "They're not related sir."
D "Yes they were they were brothers."
A "No sir I mean this guy, he's Charles Kennedy and he's a Scot."
D "He's from Scotchland! Is that near Yurp?"
A "I believe so sir."
D "How the fuck can a guy from another country win an election abroad? We can't do that over here. Can we change the Constitution? I could stand in France."
A "Ha ha very droll"
D takes a big slurp of coffee
D "What about Blur?"
A "Oh I think they split up"
D "Oh my God, Tony and Sherry have split up!?
A "Oh Blair, no sir, sorry I thought you were talking about a group"
D "So he won in two countries? Great Britaindom and Scottishland. He'd better not bring those music bags on state visits, that make a noise like 50 cats being fucked by donkeys. And I aint standing on The White House lawn with a fruit in a skirt"
A "No sir"
D "So the fucker got two countries?"
A "Ah, he has Wales"
D Looks at the aide and very slowly his eyes cross until they meet in the middle. And then cross into the opposite eye socket.
D "Whales, whales! Where the fuck's he gonna keep whales?"
A "No sir, it's a country sir"
D "Oh, is that near Yurp?"
A "I've been reliably informed so"
D "So the little runt won 3 countries?"
A "Actually he got Northern Ireland as well"
D begins to sob "He won in 4 countries, I only got one, it's not fair. What happened to the other guy, the Neocon, Michael Alucard?"
A "He made some kind of speech about losing saying that it felt like a stake through his heart."
D "I know how he feels, I lost the last election by 900,000 votes, but I still won."
A "Only in America sir, only in America"
D "God bless America!"
END.
(N.B. For those of you who read The Guardian, I had Yurp a long time before Steve Bell, the cartoonist)