Web soap

the poker went flying from his grasp, lodging itself in an uncomfortable positiong.

Upstairs, the landlord's daughter, Philomena, put the last of her precious belongings into the tattered Brighton and Hove Albion sports bag she'd ignored since she left senior school two years ago, stuffed £700 stolen from the till in the bar inside her denim shirt and prepared to make her break for freedom from the tight, close-hugging world of beer mats and empty crisp packets.

MEMORANDUM Bruce has decided to quit the soap in order to pursue his singing career. Please ensure that the plot eliminates his character.

But Dubya had never been that good at technical things and ended up poking Dick Cheney in the eye. [Cue smutty jokes about Dick and poking]

Sadly, Father Bentnob never had the opportunity to 'prey' on the ghost, a razor sharp shard of glass from the empty trophy cabinet sunk into his neck decapitating him immediately. The gost of Jhames J stood in the corner of the room rubbing his shamrock and contemplating his next move.......

From her Brighton and Hove Albion sports bag came a muffled cry, for Philomena had brought along the pub macaw, of 'Bobby Zamora for ever!' but it was not to Bobby that her mind wandered.

The landlord sucked hard on his pipe (and just exactly what was in that bowl ? It certainly wasn't Old Holborn) and reflected that he had not seen his cellarman Toby since those rumours that the pub had been built over cursed burial land.

which would be the reinstatement of brighton as an iternational footballing club. "The gost of Jhames J"? intoxicated?

Joyce quickly moved aside, as the blood pooled on the floor, threatening to reach his footsteps - then he remembered that he didn't have to worry about slipping.

Pao King, the Chinese ambassador, wasn't impressed by being up-ended by Dubya and immediately returned to his embassy having looked Dick Cheney in the eye. Bwighton was contacted. "Activate the twacking device on Regs-Hagger; Da septic tanks are up to no bruddy good. We mus' kno' wha' going on, especewy wiv ewections coming up!" (end of benny hill style voice over) The other conjoined twins (whose names temporarily elude me) covertly working for the Chinese under cover of the Pink Geranium late night delivery service, spwang into action..........

... because he had on his extra-grip Hush Puppies.

It wouldn't do for a publican to be seeing pink elephants he said to himself. Or is it dragons?

But to a macaw a tick is a mighty loud sound and this macaw was no son of a cockatoo. Nuclear bombs in the middle of the Withdean Stadium? What would the neighbours say? This is an effete, Tory voting part of the anarchist city of Brighton and they all thoroughly defend Dubya's stand on Star Wars - but on their own doorstep - unthinkable. The macaw and Bobby had to come to the rescue... But back in the 'Legless Arms', all was not going well.... As for Del Amitri, could his wicked plan be foiled??? The next installment is due any moment now....

But it was far worse than that, the door of the Pub flew open and crashed against the wall, knocking a picture of the Krankies to the floor; and in the doorway stood.......

...two pensioners, both over 85 years of age and accompanied by both parents, arriving to collect on the credit long offered by a sign behind the bar.

Under the light of a dim streetlamp Zac sat outside the pub in his sisters Honda sports. His Doc's tickling the throttle in readiness for the get-away with Philomena and the prize macaw.

Del propped up the bar in the Legless Arms, swigging Jack Daniels back heading for oblivion. Diane sat with Tony on the bar stool, she was topping up her breakfast with countless brandies, and was now p****d as a fart. Lurching forward for her drink she missed.........there was the unmistakeable sound of flying poppers, poppers were flying everywhere. Tony gasped in utter shock 'Oh no AArrgHH....what have you done to us, this can only mean World War Three.' Del spun around glaring at Tony, 'Who the **** told you' he sneered, and turning on his heels he elbowed it out of the Legless Arms.......

Then they collided with a U.S. spy plane. It caused an international incident which added coal to the cold war which had all but expired "Grobal Varming?" said the Chinese ambassador, who's mother was of Irish/German decent, "Zer ist non suchzing!" She was followed down Oxford Street by David Icke who was in seach of a mate for the 12foot lizard he had on a string...

meanwhile on the other side of town - in that greasy spoon sub american diner Rococo Joe's ....

Del propped up the bar in the Legless Arms, swigging Jack Daniels back heading for oblivion. Diane sat with Tony on the bar stool, she was topping up her breakfast with countless brandies, and was now p****d as a fart. Lurching forward for her drink she missed.........there was the unmistakeable sound of flying poppers, poppers were flying everywhere. Tony gasped in utter shock 'Oh no AArrgHH....what have you done to us, this can only mean World War Three.' Del spun around glaring at Tony, 'Who the **** told you' he sneered, and turning on his heels he elbowed it out of the Legless Arms.......

As always, Diane began the day gargling with brandy and babycham, making Tony more than a little light-headed. While Diane was mixing herself another mouthwash, Tony opened the letter that had arrived for him in the post that morning. The writing was very scruffy, and there were small particles of millet in the envelope. The letter read 'Tony, It is time you knew all. Diane has been misleading you all these years. You are not really joined together. I saw doctors separate you ten years ago, but Diane insisted on a system of poppers being added, to give the illusion that you are still joined. While you are asleep, she undoes the poppers, goes out clubbing and then comes back and refastens just before you awake'

... Bruce's widow was having one last glass of Dutch courage. Would her sexy new look be enough to tempt Tracey's dad into lowering his defences? She needed to get into his life, and into his heart - revenge would be all the sweeter that way.

The Black Widow's contemplation of her dark revenge was shattered by an loud exclamation from the table behind her. "Damn it!" The cafe was momentarily silent as everyone turned to look at the man in the crisp white safari suit, who had just spilt ketchup onto his lapels. The man didn't notice the attention he received. He was too busy worrying about his suit, as well as about how he was going to recapture that damned macaw...

ian blaize patted pathetically at the ketchup stains on his lapel, cursing the bloody macaw. the "costume 'n' bird" rental were not going to give him back the deposit now. he gazed blankly at the escaping macaw: "i wish i had come as a pirate, parrots are a lot more docile." -- richard

.....meanwhile...... Bruce's dog, Legs-hagger, strained at the leash tethering him to the railings outside the pub. He swivelled his ears to try and pinpoint the high pitched whining sound in the sky. Was he the only one to hear the death throes of the Rolls Royce engine?

Del Monte dabbed at his ketchup-stained suit with a napkin and thought once more about the macaw, the only witness to the crime he was investigating. Well, the only witness who wasn't a suspect. Tony and Diane, the conjoined twins had both had a motive for murdering Diane's husband Mikie the drug-runner. Diane had discovered that Mikie had been having an affair with Tony behind her back, and Tony had learned that it had been Mikie's drugs that had killed the only doctor who could have separated them. Mikie was dead and the fingerprints on the gun belonged to either Tony or Diane, but both denied having done it. Only the macaw could say for certain...

Yossarian stood up and yelled, "Not only do I see everything twice, I now say everything twice" (Well, this is supposed to be a literary site...)

... in the sky... pilot Capt. Lex Longingly struggled with a variety of knobs ... the atmosphere in the cockpit was strained ... Capt. Lex threw a desperate look at chief trolley dolly Ada Frink ... who stood in the cabin doorway hand pressed to her magnificent bosom ... "Ada!" Lex called in a voice husky with ennui ... "co-pilot Jeremy Titwhistle appears to have passed out ... it's down to you now" silence fell as Ada leaned down and grasped Captain Longingly's joystick ...

is that del monte, or his evil twin ian blaize? wondered the ghost of james joyce.

.....sticky froth, that old shake-the-can trick had got him again. He definitely blamed the macaw - but would the Brighton supporting bird go wild if the club sold his favourite striker, Zamora, especially at the end of a promotion season. They didn't call him 'Quick Draw Macaw' for nothing.

Her true love was the one and only Bobby Zamora - also much beloved by macaws one and all. What amazed her was how the brandy and babycham still influenced the sleeping Tony, despite the charade of the poppers. As for Bobby he was intoxicated by scoring another hat trick on Saturday as Brighton and Hove Albion went top of the table - but with Diane's insatiable demands fresh in his mind, would he be able to keep up the pace? And JJ's ghost just wanted rid of the lot. He loaded his burning pen and started once more in the middle...

The blood was easily coped with. What created more of a problem was the bits of the macaw which floated down from the engine of the stricken jumbo. Dodging them, James Joyce ghost knew this meant only one thing: Because he was surrounded by the minced pieces of an endangered species, he would be called as a witness at the trial of Lex Longingly for the malicious murder of a mangled macaw. He would rather die than give evidence “but, when you’re dead that can be difficult too.” The macaw agreed with him. Meanwhile Philomena…

'This engine's sounding dodgy Philli, just listen to it, it sounds like............Philomena was busy putting lipstick on in the passenger mirror. ' Jeeze it's gettin' louder do ya think I should pull up Philli?' Philomena hadn't heard him, the lipstick had lodged itself up her left nostril as her attention had turned to the sight in her mirror........... it was her macaw sat on the nose of the jumbo jet that was hurtling towards the motorway.....

The macaw had its wings spread wide, blocking the veiw of the pilot, the macaw was getting ready to jump, but this was no ordinary macaw, the macaw suddenly had a flashback to its SAS training...............

And I'm popping this one to the top, too, just to show Radiodenver that we were doing piecemeal stories ages ago. *sighs* I do miss that macaw. He was like a magpie to me...

....and pulled the cord. But nothing happened! Even worse, the weight of the parachute pulled the mackaw off balance and before he could even squawk "That's torn it!" he was sucked into the jet's powerful starboard engine. There was a meaty squelch. The few torn feathers that floated groundwards were all that remained of the once mighty mackaw.

Diane and Tony argued over cooking the tea. "We ad chips three days ago," complained Tony as Diane sliced potatoes with her laft hand. "Yeah. Its in honour of Mikie," she snapped. Her right hand gripped the potato fiercely. "Remember him?" Tony moved away as far as he could. He pretended he was not joined at the hip to a large, fierce twin, and looked purposelessly into the food cupboard. A tin of del Monte peach slices caught his eye. "Bad fer yer heart," he grumbled, trying to reach the cigarette packet on the work suface. "Never mind that," cried Diane, her voice rising, "what about poor Mikie?" and she turned to confront Tony, pointing at his chest with the knife.

The macaw brushed himself down. It had been clever of Ian Blaise's pigeon to hire a macaw suit from costume and dude, but NOT CLEVER ENOUGH to outwit Morris. Ian Blaise had been on that plane. Any time now Morris would be the only one who knew what was in that tin of peach slices...

The camera pans slowly round the bar and pulls away gradually a la Guiness advert of a couple of years ago. As more of the scene becomes clear the viewer (for there is only one) sees themself sitting on the bench outside in the pouring rain and then the camera whizzes into the stratosphere to the sound of "Look What They Done To My Song, Ma" by Melanie and the viewer is forced to realise that the whole thing has taken place in a television studio in Swansea. Mortified, they switch off and put up the umbrella.

Meanwhile in the kitchen the chip pan was comming up to boiling point, Dian brushed the knife across her tongue and said "you know where it is DON'T YOU" she screamed. Tony tried not to look at the peach tin.............

At last, Legs-hagger had gnawed through his restraining leash. With lightening speed he padded his way toward Rococo Joe's and the great Del Monte. With the macaw now minced history he had only one mission in mind, would the great Del Monte say yes?........................

In blind panic, Tony did the only thing he could think of. He had to tell her the truth. "Diane, " he said, "We are not alone. " "Whaddya mean ? " she said, spooning cold beans into her mouth. "We have two brothers. Both once like us, joined side-by-side and facing the opposite way. But now, separated. " "What ? " she asked, in a daze, but also thinking about Noodle Doodles, and the theme song in the adverts. "Ian Blaise and Del Monte... we aren't twins, we're quads !"

Tony seized the moment. Then, just for good luck, he seized another. Diane was having a choking fit so he quickly wiped the semi-chewed beans from his eyes and grabbed the can of peaches. Running from the house he tripped over Legs-hagger who was in search of his own Holy Grail of Del Monte. Tony and the tin went sprawling.....

...straight into the arms of Philomena, who had given up waiting outside the pub, macaw in bag. 'Daddies!', she cried....

I hope this isn't the start of the trend we were all dreading Andrew. I can't face the prospect of 'Am I A Whinging Bitch' re-surfacing.

Del scowled at Ian Blaize, whose linen suit was markedly inferior to his own, "What is it you want? " "Same as you, " said Ian, "I need to find someone. I'm looking for Lee Culkin. " Del wondered what had happened to his safety deposit key, he had been twirling it nonchantly in the canning factory, but hadn't seen it since then. Two keys, he had one, Tony the twin had the other. If either of them ever got both, he could kiss his retirement plans goodbye. Elsewhere, a certain Lee Culkin looked at himself studiously in the mirror. He said his favourite phrase, "Infrequently" He could say plenty of other things. Why, he had once given a radio commentary on a football match, and once he had lectured the Oxford Union on the advantages of not having opposable thumbs, but he liked Infrequently, it had a classical touch. For a macaw, he had quite a brain, and his thoughts were turning to blackmail. (apologies to all for terrible macaw pun within)

I was reading that one earlier Missi - but I won't pop that to the top. These will disappear in a day or two. Which makes me think that the pop to the top is going to make it hard to find those old threads, because they won't be on the page you're thinking they are on...

.....Was taking a long deep hot bath and as she gazed around the bathroom her gaze locked on to a bottle on roll on deodorant, it was very tempting to say the least, philomena toyed with the idea for a while, was she going to revitalize her flagging bubble bath?.....

(Nice to see you back Tony - make sure you beat those cheats to the championship) At one and the same instant, the mobile telephones of Ian Blaize, Del Monte, Lee Culkin the evil macaw, Tony and Diane the conjoined (or are they?) twins, Bobby Zamora and the ghost of James Joyce all played the theme tune to Dukes of Hazzard, indicating that a text message had arrived... "Need 2 C U @ centre circle Brighton Hove albion pitch. U R not 2 tell any1 else " Tony read his message, concealing it from Diane, who was doing likewise and wondering why Prince had got back in touch...

(Actually this is less of a web-soap now and more a remake of a screwball comedy like It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, only with ghosts, twins and macaws)