Richard LP Needs Help With Poem
Wed, 2013-05-01 14:31
#1
Richard LP Needs Help With Poem
Hello ABC friends. I need some suggestions for my last seven lines on the poem below. It is posted, but am unhappy with my ending paragraphs. Any ideas? Thanks from Richard LP
Have Some Whine
Some I know
whine the same old
--same old song
from twenty years ago
hanging onto sadness
from muddy days
long gone by.
I combat that thinking
with flavours of
memory --
from the good times
accepting shoulder pokes
from friends.
sharing a similar fate.
© Richard L. Provencher
Richard L. Prov...
Note: 2nd last line should have no period. RLP
VeraClark
I overcome that cycle
with [the?]tangs of
memory -
from the good times
welcome shoulder pokes
from friends
facing similar fates.
No, thought not. But I'm only a pretend poet.
alice sunderland
maybe something about 'a whine that doesnt improve with age'?
alice sunderland
i also like what you already have if thats any use.
Richard L. Prov...
Thank you, Alice. Please review both versions and tell me honestly, if the second version is better or less than the original. All the best, Richard
ps. oops, I made a boo-boo and accidentally erased my new revised poem with the suggested changes. Don't know if I can recreate it right now. Will take a break. Richard
Richard L. Prov...
Richard L. Provencher
alice sunderland
ok but im no expert. i'll give an opinion - a gut feeling opinion it'll have to be.
Cavalcader
new Richard L.Prov..
Hope things are improving for you.
Love reading yours.
Think it is alright
what you have written.
But as asked thought has come to me.
Just a ramble.
It seems today we can whine
about most things
memories we all treasure
good sad and bad
But cheese is mature
your touch so rare with prayer
like angels
beautiful wings.
oh! isn't it silly the mind worked.
You take care now.
julie x
Richard L. Prov...
Hello there Julie, your usual encouraging words are most welcome. And after reading the very good comments from Vera Clark, I decided to keep my poem as is. I did a rewrite, in fact many, but they did not come out the way I wished. Have a blessed day, from Richard & Esther.
ps. Julie---I really liked your ramble, sincere and appreciated. Now if you were not talking about me, I'll have egg all over my face, eh? RLP
Cavalcader
new Richard L.Prov..
Hello! Of course not talking of you
Please forgive just trying make it rhyme,
done it so quickly.
But definitely will delete,as have said your
poem is great as it stands.
Sun is shining,move a bot better back!
And you Ester both of you and Esther have a well blessed day. I know the power of prayer like you.
So delete my bit your end if like.
julie x
Richard L. Prov...
Hello Julie, leave it as is, it is nice. Well, we finally have a nice day, beautiful in fact. Hope your weather is good too. Richard
Cavalcader
new Richard L.Prov..
Hello Richard okay will do.
Over cast here. Ray's still in bed,snooker
night. Resting up the back. From "When I'm Cleaning Windows" never again. Old injury from bike. Mystery socks blown up the garden path,print on 'Pringles' no not the crisps. It was a rotary line face us,blown socks over found out no pegs on I inquired,young ones had good laugh.
I can't always write what I mean.
take care both of you.
Loveable 'Jazz' cries dashes in hides by curtains or behind hottest part,where sun comes,along the windowsill. I can see his shadow,say Hello! Beautiful. Sat on low wall with me yesterday bumps his head to me wonderful both have in,bu he is well looked after anyway,just know a cry! we let him in,
back now warmer weather great! Not ours owner knows have him,and in poem 'Green Eyes'.
julie x and (Ray) never reads any mine!
take care have a nice week end.
Richard L. Prov...
You have a good weekend too, Julie. Richard & Esther