By The Walrus
One off funny stories.
"I'll make you walk the plank over yonder stickleback and bike frame infested canal. Haa-haar – you see if I won't!”
This story came to me in a flash while I was unwrapping a Fox's Glacier Mint while I was walking the dog. Don't ask me where it came from because I have no idea.....
“Bloody kids of today,” Edna Williams complained to her old friend Joan Jones.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with men dressing as girlies or vice versa, of dear no.
“'Ere,” said Jean, the over-painted crone on the make-up counter in Boots to her rapidly disintegrating septuagenarian colleague. “Did you see what I just saw?”
“George - get your fat arse out of bed this minute!” Hermoine Piggles yelled up the stairs of their ramshackle wattle and daub cottage for the third time in ten minutes.
“You'll all be caught and killed,” a stout little bearded man called Michael Thicket said. “The border will be crawlin' with soldiers for weeks."
“Could I have ten pounds of Maris Piper spuds, which is precisely 4.535923700000001 kilogrammes, a few Henglish happles and a nice, crisp Savoy cabbage, please, Mr. Fishmonger?”
"Why don't the pigs put up a security camera to catch the destructive tits red-handed? They're too bloody stupid, that's why."
“'Ere,” said the ancient, tarted up harridan on the make-up counter in Boots to her even more decrepit colleague. “Did you see what I saw?”
“I'm Hank Marvin, so I'm popping into Greggs for a cheap and nasty, do you fancy one?” Jimmy said to Gail, his new friend (whom he hoped one day would be his girlfriend).
The phrases start' stoppin' and stop startin' are shamelessly pinched from Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer's Donald and Davy Stott characters, but the story is all my own.
“Excuse me,” the tall, heavily built man in the home-made multicoloured flowery dress and pink trainers said to the receptionist in the doctor's surgery.
“Excuse me, Madam,” Miguel Button said to the spotty, rather delicate looking young man stacking shelves in the Pound Shop. “Do you have any frangipani in stock at hall by hany chance?”
“I'd like to purchase an haqualung, please, Sir,” Miguel Button said to the painfully thin young woman sitting behind the counter of the posh new shop drinking coffee and smoking a fag.
“Look, just get out of the soddin' canal, we're takin' you down the station.”
“Twannocks!” Toad Type Thing groaned when he got up one Saturday morning and discovered what the Pixie Type Things had done to his lovely garden.
“Bugger off, it's siesta time and we're trying to sleep!” one of the trees grumbled, its lurid green cat-like eyes almost as big as saucers.
A cigarette that bears a lipstick's traces, a foolish postcard from Brighton, of all places, oh how the syphilis cream stings! These foolish things remind me of you.
English Language A level paper two, written composition, 2013. Essay no.1) Rats and mice in one's hice are rather nice.....
A muscular, heavily tattooed man with a scarred upper lip and funny looking teeth walked into Hickenbottom's Book Bonanza, a cluttered second hand book shop that also sold old paintings and prints.
“Switch on the electromagnetic force field so that the foolish Earthlings cannot detect our approach with their primitive instruments, Eight-one-seven-three,” said the senior Ickle Green Man.
“Part of our mission is to discover what the Earth people eat,” Number One replied.....