things that piss you off

seat up or down on the bogoff?

any considerate man would put the seat down afterwards i think ... mind you we dont have this seat prob in this house as i fitted the bog seat and its not on properly and wont stay up ... i find this ideal ... and am endlessly entertained by shouts and swearing when visiting males go in there ... (i am at pains to point out here that visiting males are not visiting ME ... ) as for riding childrens small silver bicycles i would rather draw a veil over the whole incident ...

My mate Trevor has a very unlucky Dad. I won't list the series of accidents that have plagued him but one involves a toilet seat. The bolt in the hinges at the back was broken so as he reached across fore the bog roll the seat slid sideways. Now this wouldn't normally be so bad, you'd just slide off with it and leave a skiddy on the mat (see what you colud be missing Pioden?) HOWEVER, Trev's dear old Pop happens to be blessed with a larger than average set of Cojones and they hang well below the seat. As he slid his packet was pinched against the wall of the bog and the seat, he was trapped there. He couldn't yell for help because of natures little joke about the throat being connected to the gonads and he couldn't sit down to slide back as his weight was on the edge of the seat. He was like that for about half an hour until he could whisper "help" to his wife.

actually, the Normans weren't French. they were a very different lot, Celtic, who the real French didn't like. Their great contribution to us in the UK was to bring us the civil service. They used a large body (no jokes pse) of men to count, regulate and report things, so things ran smoothly and were in the right place when needed. This helped, in time, to lead to Runnymede and de-powered kings.* But things that piss me off are people who correct other people unduly, just for pickiness (or to show how 'clever' they are!) *thanks to R4

Now, let's talk about words. yesterday, I looked up the french word for 'square' (as in square metre) . It was carre (excuse no accents) - word for right angle was equerre (insert your own accents - but be careful) which it comes from . Now, in Spanish, this is Esquerre. Take off the 'e' (which the Spanish always stick onto Latin word like a hesitant, nervous introduction), and what do we have? back to 'square' ! Magic , huh? this works with almost all words of the eq/esq origin from french, take off the 'e' and stick in an 's' any examples or refutations? (preferably humorous)

Those automatic phone answering machines. 'You have 6 options. if you wish to make a payment, press 1 now! If you wish to.........' No I DON'T want to make a fucking payment, I want to talk to a HUMAN, and possibly one that doesn't have 'Thermos' stamped on the back of their head!

People who ring me at home to try to sell me things - particularly when English is not a language they seem comfortable with. I have taken to telling them that I am a heart surgeon on call and that their junk call may cost lives. (Customer satisfaction calls from my bank are another one - the only thing I don't like about my bank is the damn customer satisfaction calls - who the hell decides that Wednesday nights during Champions League football would be a good time to ring me?) On speech patterns "He turns round and goes 'no I never' and she turns round and says 'well Courtney sez you did, and he turns round and goes 'well, Courtney's a liar then' " - are any of these people actually rotating or leaving the scene during the conversation ? Missi - both James Gleick in Faster and the guy who wrote McDonaldization comment on this - it is a way of the company borrowing your time to save time of their employees - every time you go in McDonalds and carry your food back to the table and carry the rubbish away, you're acting as an unpaid waiter for a moment or two, every time you use a bank ATM, you're doing a little unpaid bank clerking. Companies have reaped the benefits of making the customer an unpaid employee for certain parts of the service. I actually predict that if cinemas etc had a telephone line manned by human beings for which they charged 50p a minute, they'd get more calls than the damn filtering machine.

Pioden: I haven't written anything because I seem to have lost the ability to say anything that isn't shite... I got out of the habit of writing and it's really hard to get back into it because I'm so critical of everything I write. I first stopped because I was lazy, uninspired, overwhelmed with college work, cringing at my previous work, and disappointed that I didn't get into Warwick to do the course I wanted. Although now I've got an offer for English Lit with Creative Writing at UEA so I'd better get my act together or they'll kick me out! The trouble is I need to get the academic grades to be accepted, which means I'm too busy to write, the other main requirement. I often find that I have most ideas when I'm really busy and stressed, which is the time I'm least able to write. Also, I never want to do writing exercises; every time I write I push myself to produce a perfect, finished poem or story, which means that I don't get a great deal done... it's my own fault really, but but... *whinge*

Em.......word of calm from an 'old hand' Cool off! Go to that University of Eastern Arabia, and knock 'em dead! we all have our best ideas when we're busy and stressed (slant on life). just Go for it! Writng exercises? they're for people who play at writing. Do you think Keats, Shelley, Dick Francis or Barbara Cartland ever did them? NO! Then don't you, Daisy!

1) ITV - If I wanted to watch an animated version of the Sun, then I'd get a copy down to the cartoon shop. 2) Manufactured music 3) Mass produced commercial fiction (ah-ha! a pang of jealousy!) 4) Managers - they don't speak my language...no really, they don't... 5) People who turn their homes into a bad attempt at a Changing Rooms project then rent it out to me! This is Glasgow, Scotland - who here feels the need to do away with carpet!! Carol Smillie, yeah, she's on the list too...sod it!!!

again... its a DIFFERENT emily check the address this emily hamblin, another excellent writer.

barbara cartland shouldve had her hands chopped off, never mind exercises. and exercises are good.. they help love from someone who plays at writing.

What really pisses me off

are people who split up their posts

just to get the thread count up to 100. Bastards.

1. Being called "sir" by younger people who think that they are being polite, when all it does is make me want to scream "I'm not a f.ucking pensioner" and smack them in the mouth. 2. See Andrew & Missis posts above. 3. Racists 4. The phrase "at this moment in time.." 5. People selling me religion - why is it that no-one ever offered to save my immortal soul unless I put my hand in my pocket? 6. Toilet seats that won't stay upright - I've already written about that one. 7. Four hour meetings which identify the need for another four hour meeting.

oooh thank you darling.... *checks number of posts* *smothers hox in kisses*

*blushes in a coy yet masculine manner*

aww liana ... you spoilt grief's fantasy. there he was thinking he was chatting up dubbers and all the time it is a diff writer, poor lambykens. hope he doesn't do a lemming when the penny finally drops.

Andrew has just jogged my memory. Those bastards at the gas and electricity companies that send out ridiculous, astronomical 'estimated' bills, knowing full well that the customer is going to phone in the correct meter reading. They are not trying to save employees time though Andrew! Cos they sacked the poor sods years ago! And why is it that when you phone Tiscali (a phone company) they don't have anybody to answer your call! Unless...... it's the account payment number, when it is answered in nanoseconds. bastards! Bastards! BASTARDS!

And another thing............................

Anybody who speaks mid-Atlantic English but particularly people (ie most people in Britain) who put the stress on the first syllable in REEEsearch and REEEEsource. I will fight them on the sidewalks, I will fight them in the elevators, I will fight them in the parking lots, but I will never surrender! (Just been to Blenheim Palace today.)

*blush* thank you Liana! you're better than me though :) Hmm, everyone thinks I'm Emily D! I shall change the name at the top of my posties. I always feel like I'm disappointing people when I say 'err, no, actually, it's only little me...' teehee e-griff - I'm sure those writers you mentioned didn't do exercises, but if they're useless (the exercises), why do all the writers around today claim that they're absolutely necessary? I can see that practice is important and that they can only help, but I don't want to write yet another description of my favourite room, blah blah. I wish I had a little genie sidekick thing that sat inside my head constantly shouting perfect words that I just had to put on paper, but I guess that would take the satisfaction out of it though...

emily hamblin spring blossom falls on thicket poetic justice

Emily Hamblin ... there's money to be made out teaching people to write creative and who is it that's earning it ?! .... perhaps some of us read beyond the pale, the black and white and can see the reality ...... but for pratice sake I don't knock it ... it's one way to find your form, your style and a way to guide you from becoming ..... I suppose .... preparing self as I will now be verbally beaten up by those who promote such training who gave Charles Dickens his writing exercises I wonder ..... or Agatha Christie ...... or

the American way of spelling color and favorite. It's colour & favourite. Have I already mentioned this? can't remember..

Other peoples pets...Dogs that bark all day, dogs that @!#$ on the verge outside your house that you have carefully cultivated...Dogs that bark viciously when walking past their garden,nearly causing a heart attack....just f...ing Dogs,period...................Cats that invade ones garden and crap on a favorite low growing alpine..or @!#$ in your borders only to be found when planting a new specimen.....or piss on a delicate plant and cause it's demise...or kill all the nice wild birds attracted by your carefully placed bird feeders or f...ing Cats, period........................Pigeons both wild and domestic.. why some idiots want to keep these dirty, filthy "flying rats" utterly defeats me.......they @!#$ over everything, mostly from a great height..they carry Salmonellas, e.coli, and many other life threatening diseases. ..the crap damages buildings and, if left on a car will make 'T' cutting and repolishing essential.....Pigeons, period.

Liana, can't believe for once we are on the same wave length, about the exercises 100% could do with some right now don't care where it come's from it makes sence to me, but I also think this will never be resolved as there's will always be for's and against, comes down to which ever way you look at it. Must say I always enjoy reading what you write on here agree or disagree and I bow to your quick mind just wish I'd had it at your age, not that I know what that is nor am I asking but its got to be a lot younger than mine. Regards...

hey guy! Cool it! hang loose! I don't like authority! I hate some bastard telling me what to do or having power over me! How did I survive and flourish (let it be said) 23 years in a big bureaucratic, highly political, macho organisation? first , naivety, then ignorance, then stealth, compounded by sheer disrespect and stubborn refusal. I was also good at my job (in the 'getting things done' sense), but crap at politics and smarm. It was bloody great! Now I don't work for anyone unless they are very polite to me. hah! That'll teach YOU, Miss Wilkes! (you know who you are - Lister drive Junior school, Liverpool.....Yes!) oooh! did I reveal my secret angst?? ooooooooooh - where is Ari? I hope she is Ok. she was the one who warmly welcomed me to this site - we had such fun!

and its carpark not parking lots..

and pants are underwear, not trousers.

*lifts eyes to ceiling in despair*

crikey.. how do you lift your eyes to the ceiling.. does it hurt? Or are they portable eyes, like cyborg style.

and what makes you think that they didnt have exercises to make them write? you dont have to have someone *give* you them, they are something that you can do for yourself.

I think you and I could be mates Terry, speshully if you include the royal ponces!

I can do lots of things that mortals can't.

Andrew, sorry to import the bugger from another thread, but isn't there something oddly Freudian about this toilet obsession??? Hmmmm....

missi, i definitely think you and terry could be mates :)

Bet you can't eat a Rowntrees fruit pastelle without chewing it.

That's not fair, nobody can do that. I can wiggle my ears though.

So can I, but can you wiggle them independently?

ah ha there we have it .... they did themselves how very true .... gee .... I do like you Liana

My vote is seat defefinitely DOWN Reason Much more Hygienic

following egriff's point I notice that the french word 'esquinter' translates as 'to damage'. the french phrase 's'esquinter a faire quelque chose' means 'to wear oneself out doing something' now, if you damage your eyes you might end up with a squint and ... ... according to legend 'wanking will make you go blind' ... I think we are definitely on to something here. *is it me or do I have to squint at this screen lately?*

Can you? (He asked, afraid to hear the answer)

this is not an original thought - it comes from Bill Bryson - but what he says is true. American English is more 'correct' than our own. why? because it has largely been unchanged since the pilgrims left england and took it with them. The reason many of our words have 'our' and not 'or' is due to the french influence on our language. another point is that many of the words we take for granted as being 'proper english' stem from when we were empire building and anglicised various words from around the world. American English (and not slang) is truer to 18th century English than our current lexicon that we so dearly love and berate the yanks for destroying it. What I like about USA english is that most often the words have a basis on the descriptive. so, an area to walk off the road is a sidewalk. Pavement just means 'covering'. A trailer means something that is trailed but a caravan is a line of camels. I could go on but I've bored myself already. just read his book 'Mother Tongue' and all will be revealed and perhaps we will stop yank bashing when it comes to spelling and perhaps look into the origins of our language instead of assuming that all our spellings and words are the only 'proper' english. ciao

Hoxtoneye "6. Toilet seats that won't stay upright - I've already written about that one." That's MY toilet!! and the 'king landlord won't 'king well, fix the 'king thing!! Probably cos the landlord is a landlady and doesn't have to stand!! AAARRRGHHHH!!!!

Key rings that are reverse-threaded, if you know what I mean. They really piss me off.

more importantly, men leaving the toilet seat up! that is *so* grrrsome!

I don't care man whether it's original English or not.. if it's origins are French then I think they did it a favour. *and not a favor.* I still think colour is better.. down with color I say.. I will fight it on the beaches.. I will fight it from the treetops..