Highhat's blog

Turn off Winter- turn on Spring. More light-more energy. More sun-more warmth and delight in nature. More love of life. Getting used to the longer days and more light. Can't hide anymore so the light streams into all the nooks and crannies of the mind through my eyes- so keep them open a lot. Don't want to hide so much anymore. Goodbye Winter depression. Hello I'm still alive..

I wish for the darkness of day/night to descend. It's like a cloak I can wear over my sadness. During the day, if it is very bright like now when the air reflects the light of the snow I wish for it to grow dark because that is the mood I am in- too much brightness and I am reminded of how my unhappiness doesn't match the daylight. I don't feel this way every day and when I am happy then I am truly happy. So I know what happiness is. Not...

More than often I'm frightened of old age. I know I am getting there. Certain daily occurrences, as trivial as they may seem, are quite strenuous to perform. I see the laundry van drive by my house, I see people walking past with zimmerframes, I see some with walking sticks or a crutch to lean on. I live in a neighbourhood with many old age pensioners. I know what it's like to have nothing to do a lot of the time and to have too many thoughts...

I love the quiet snow the huge silky snowflakes that sprinkle down Like they did many years ago Muffling my heartbeat And lifting my spirits As I walk in dreams Together with my memories

Better get over it. Snowdrop shoots are sprouting round about in gardens- also in my garden. Harbingers of Spring- we are getting closer with each day that passes.

I am glad the holidays are over. They certainly didn't live up to my expectations but I did get to drink some cheap champagne( it was really only bubbly wine I think) NYE and saw the fireworks- I still remember them. The dog was so calm and we were right in the middle of them. The dog has now been given to a nice man who is a hunter and has several hunting grounds. Oskar said that with his baby on the way he wouldn't be able to cope with the dog...

Here I am -still alone. I would like to drink some champagne tonight but don't have any and don't really see the point. It's only going to be me and then Oskar's dog. He will be good company but I am tired of my own company- Christmas, my birthday and now New Year's Eve. I wouldn't mind going to a party though. I lead such a dull life. But that is my own choice. Mostly I keep to myself. I'm too self-conscious around people- never really got rid...

Oh I am enjoying this. Being alone Christmas eve. I can do exactly what I please, when I please and how. I don't know why I am so happy when in fact I should be sad being alone on this special evening when so many are making an effort to be happy together with family. I feel strangely at peace and happy. As though going against the flow is giving me pleasure. I think that may be the reason. That I am doing something so few are doing- by being...

Not much. I am very much alone this Christmas. My son didn't come yesterday. Love got in the way. He may come by today- for a short moment- I'm not getting my hopes too high. Well- I'm used to being alone so Christmas days are no different than any other time of year. The past several christmases have been much the same and a bit sad in a way- I see nobody- far removed from the christmases of past where the whole family was gathered- relatives,...

Thanks to charity we now have enough food to see us this month out. And sweets- it's a Christmas hamper so they put in a lot of sweets: chocolate, marcipan licorice. I don't eat sweets and neither does my son- at least very seldom. But there is also some fruit which I will enjoy and nuts to crack. I found a nutcracker- didn't know I had one! I haven't bought one present. I.e I have bought a couple of books for myself but buying books at amazon...