No-one cares about your creative hub

In anticipation of the forthcoming Half Man Half Biscuit album, no-one cares about your creative hub so get your fuckin hedge cut, I am writing ten short stories based on track titles on the album ahead of the album's release on 18 May.

 

You can pre-order the album from the Probe Plus website: www.probe-plus.co.uk/index.php/discography-test/275-probe-75-half-man-ha...  

Cherry

Every Time a Bell Rings

"I am pleased to open this the 415,000th meeting of the Angelic Council. You all know each other by now, I hope so anyway. We'll proceed straight to...

Emergency locksmith

I'm the 4th emergency service. Fire, ambulance, police, and me. The emergency locksmith. I'm on call 24/7. Except on my days off, obviously, and...
Cherry

The Announcement

"A murder is announced and will take place during the night on Friday 19th April at 17 Horesham Terrace." Dan Azari's boss was taking the piss. "Go...
Cherry

Terminus

Eddie Soulston was dying. He had cancer, but the cancer had savaged his body's immune system, so he had pretty much everything else as well. He was a...

Alehouse futsal

"I'll have a pint of the Tea Kettle stout," said Hensley. "Good choice," said the barman, "Little brewery in Oxford that's from." "Well I like to do...
Cherry

Mod Diff, V Diff, Hard, Severe

"Timpson isn't it?" "Yes, Derek Timpson." "Good to meet you Timpson, I'm Hardwick, this is Nethergate, and that's Suggs on the end." The three...
1 likes
Cherry

Swerving the checkatrade

"Sergei's selling his lorry Morris", Stan Lee said. "So?" "You could buy it. You said yourself you need a job. With a lorry you could set up your own...

Renfield's Afoot

The mood on the office floor was gloomy. "There's talk of redundancy," said Mike, who was first to hear every piece of gossip in the office and was...
Gold cherry

Man of Constant Sorrow (With A Garage In Constant Use)

"Dead people don't make bad albums," The Boy once said (Sting please take note), which is part of The Boy's genius, dying before he grew old. He...
Gold cherry

Harsh Times in Umberstone Covert

"See you tonight," Dan called to his wife as he left for work. "Love you lots." However, he didn't get far, no sooner had he left the house than he...
Gold cherry
Story of the week

Bladderwrack Allowance

I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, to find Alun in an agitated state. "It's the...
2 likes

Knobheads on Quiz Shows

Lex phoned with the bad news. "I was out on the lash last night, I won't be able to drive I'm still over the limit. If I get caught doing that again...

What made Colombia famous

"I had a Colombian coffee this morning before leaving for the airport, Colombian of course, you know, to get me in the mood." "Did you? I had a line...