Every Time a Bell Rings

"I am pleased to open this the 415,000th meeting of the Angelic Council. You all know each other by now, I hope so anyway. We'll proceed straight to business. Higher Angel Metcalfe, I believe the first agenda item belongs to you."

 

"Thank you Council Leader, Higher Angels. My members have asked me to raise concerns regarding the angelic advancement process.The current method is not fit for purpose and is slowing down the rightful promotion of angels."

 

"The advancement process? Could you be more specific Metcalfe? Do you mean the Angelic Training Standard, I thing you'll find we discussed that in detail in meeting number 363,784."

 

"I am referring Council Leader, to the final stage promotion methodology. The bell system."

 

"The bell system?"

 

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings."

 

"I'm aware of the system Metcalfe,I was one of the original Angelic Council members who set the bell policy up more than 6,000 years ago. All this time the bell rings/wings policy has been in place and you've only just noticed a problem?"

 

"The problem is, Council Leader, that bells are going out of fashion. I believe the term is de-trending. People just don't use them any more. Even children's activity toy sets have started using a ducks quack instead of a bell. And as for doorbells, these were the staple of angelic promotion for decades, but now it's all chimes and buzzers, some even play the Mr Blobby theme tune. Every time a doorbell plays the Mr Blobby theme an angel is denied his or her rightful promotion."

 

"Merrison, is this True? Is there a problem with the bell system?"

 

"Angels are still getting their wings, Council Leader. It's true that the rate of angelic ascenscion has slowed, but that's not a bad thing. In the past, due to the surplus of bells, angels were frankly getting their wings too quickly. Besides, the bell-ringing method is traditional and tradition takes precedent over angelic upstarts."

 

"Tradition is all very well Merrison, but I've got 137 members fully-qualified but stuck awaiting their wings. Wing speed has slowed to an all time low."

 

"Wing speed?"

 

"It's the time it takes for an angel to qualify for his or her wings."

 

"These concerns are all very well, Metcalfe, but I don't see what you expect the Angelic Council to do."

 

"Take action, Council Leader. Address the problem head on. Make it compulsory for all children's activity toy kits to include a bell. Introduce a ban on Mr Blobby door chimes."

 

"You're forgetting the non interventionist policy. Himself doesn't intervene in human affairs any more, not even for the most heinous tragedies. How would He feel if we'd broken his non intervention directive not to save the lives of millions of innocent civilians in a pointless war, but to ban the Mr Blobby theme. It's frankly a ridiculous suggestion."

 

"But we have to do something, Council Leader. Angels need their wings, and bell useage is in terminal decline. My members have a right to a functional promotional system that is protected from ducks quacks, buzzers and Mr Blobby. What about giving an angel wings every time someone opens a can of Red Bull?"

 

"The Angelic Council couldn't possibly be seen to promoting individual fizzy drinks in that way. The Directors of Iron Bru and other bevereges would offer up prayers of complaint if we did that. Thank you for raising the issue Metcalfe, but on reflection I think it best if we monitor the bell situation for now and revisit the issue at a future meeting. Right, the next item on the agenda. Harps? What's this about."

 

"It's about harps Council Leader."

 

"Yes, thank you Metcalfe, I'd just about worked that much out. What about harps exactly?"

 

"There's a shortage. Nobody makes harps any more. I've got at least 400 of my members on the waiting list."