Need some advice please

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Need some advice please

Okay, it's like this.

We have some good friends, with children the same age as ours. My husband and I just added up some 'clues' dropped by our daughter, and think, perhaps the father might be abusing his daughter.

What would you do?

Their marriage is already shaky, and I do not want to be responsible for the destruction. Also, what if we're wrong?

The evidence is that at age 10ish, their daughter told our daughter that her father would come in her room at night, and get her to pull on his willy, and white stuff came out. This girl can lie, as some (including ours) do. We heard no more, but now we find out that their daughter has taken to sleeping in her big brother's room. Is this for protection?

Also, this girl introduced our daughter to porn sites, so I kinda assumed she knew about the 'white stuff' from there.

I'm torn. I don't know the best thing to do. If I'm right, a little girl is having her innocence taken away. If I'm wrong, I could ruin a life through false accusation.

What would you do?

Oh blimey. This needs proper thought doesn’t it. What age is the girl now, Lisa? Is there just the older brother or are there other siblings? Did the parents mention her moving into her brother’s room? And if so, did they offer any explanation? What sort of public relationship do the dad and daughter seem to have? Doesn't look good does it. Ok, as it stands, I think I'd have to go to the mum and say, look, I know this is awkward but I just felt you had to know what your daughter has been saying. If the mother had any suspiscions... mind you, they're not reknowned for knowing are they... oh god, complicated. ~ www.fabulousmother.com
Um, obviously you need to do something. http://www.nspcc.org.uk/inform/newsandevents/informnews/protectingchildr... That's a leaflet from the NSPCC website. They have a helpline. Call them and get some professional advice.

 

The girl is eleven. As for a public relaionship, he is very touchy feely, but lots of dads are - that alone is not a crime. What I notice is, when we are there, the girls are always off elsewhere. But kids do that. They live in the countryside, and there are woods and fields they play in. I haven't dared ask the mum why the girl is sleeping in her brother's room. Big bro is 14, younger bro is 2.
Drew, I'll give them a call. Thanks for the link. Hubby and I didn't get too much sleep last night. Lou, the problem with saying something to the mum, is that even if he is innocent, it will sew a seed. And there are already probs there. He is an alcoholic, and she's sick of that. There have been some terrible arguments, and everytime we're there, he's drunk or getting there. ALthough, he is a happy drunk, and otherwise a really nice guy. I've just seen too many looks, seen him getting the daughter to sit on his lap, etc. I really hope I'm wrong. In the meantime, I will call that number tomorrow. I'm off - my writing day (ha ha). I suspect I'll spend the day worrying.
The helpline number is here - http://www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/whoturnto/nspcchelpline/helpline_w... And the site explains the procedure of what happens next.

 

The drinking, the arguments and 'the looks' have sent a chill to be quite honest. My gut feeling is there's something nasty going on. Good luck with the helpline, Lisa. ~ www.fabulousmother.com
It seems to me that it isn't up to you, Lisa, to worry about the truth or otherwise of what's been said, or to worry about someone else's marriage, rocky or otherwise. You aren't making the accusation. You're reporting to a responsible adult what has been told to you. A responsible adult should be expected to act in a responsible manner, and in the best interests of a child. Carrying a secret, or feeling to blame for what may or may not happen afterward, shouldn't come into it. It's the right thing to do to be calm and responsible. Good luck. You're going about this the right way. Look after yourself, Cheers, Mark

 

Nice one, drew ;) When the power of love overcomes the love of power, we'll find peace. - Jimi Hendrix

~It's a maze for rats to try, it's a race for rats to die.~

I just wished that there had been someone who had interfered in my parents relationship. I think we pussyfoot around to much about 'oh we must keep the family together at all costs.' Bollocks! Myself and my siblings (8) would all have been better off in foster homes. Make that call, there is most definitely something rum going on.

 

and congrats, lisa..for dealing with this in such a mature and responsible manner. This is something that would knocked me for six regards what action to take ;) All the best to you!! :) When the power of love overcomes the love of power, we'll find peace. - Jimi Hendrix

~It's a maze for rats to try, it's a race for rats to die.~

Believe me, Yan, this most certainly has knocked me for six. My sleep is suffering, and although I am going to call the childline number that Drew gave a link for, I'm terrified that I'll unjustly accuse someone of a truely horrific crime.
What a grim situation, but you cannot stand by: for evil to triumph and all that. I am alarmed that the girl has introduced others to porn-sites, what times we live in. I understand that you feel ambivalent, I'm sure you'll do the right thing. Good luck.
Oh Lisa, what a dreadful position to be in. I’m sure the helpline will make things clearer though – they’ll be wise heads and know all the possible reactions and the best way to approach this sort of thing. And as Mark says, you wouldn’t be accusing anyone of anything – you’re just passing on the information. It’s going to be impossible to act naturally with this couple from now on anyway, so in that way your relationship with them is already screwed (although I know that’s not the relationship you are worried about). My old next door neighbour had concerns about a friend of theirs because of the inappropriate way his young son was behaving towards her daughter. There were other worrying signs too (can’t remember what they were now, very long time ago). I don’t think Liz said anything in the end, just avoided the family (they weren’t that close). But it’s always worried me and I’m sure it’s always worried her. There’s obviously something the matter, even if it’s just the way the daughter has been talking and the porn sites, etc. It’s odd but, if the daughter had told that story to a grow-up that she knew would get her dad into trouble I could think of more reasons why she might be making it up. But to tell a friend her own age… well, I just can’t see the motivation to do that maliciously. It would be a very odd thing to brag about if you know what I mean. If she was sexually precautious and intrigued by the subject she could have said she was doing x,y,z with a boy or something. I really think the most simple explanation is the right one. The girl confided in her friend because she wanted to tell someone but couldn’t bring herself to rock the family boat. Your daughter was concerned enough and was convinced enough to pluck up the courage to tell you. You’re stuck, honey, you've been told, you’ve got to pass it on. You're just a link in a chain of events - don't feel responsible for the outcome. ~ www.fabulousmother.com
Just one more thought - it strikes me the older brother is aware of the situation because what 14 year old boy would *want* to share his room with his kid sister if she had a usable room of her own. ~ www.fabulousmother.com
Follow the advices that mark has given Lisa. A discreet investigation will be undertaken via School or some other means.
I've called up and left an anonymous report. Hopefully, everything will turn out okay. Thanks for all the advice and tips. It sucks to be in this position, and trying to gain the courage to deal with it has given me a stonker of a headache. I'm off to take some paracetemol and drink more tea. Lisa
Best of luck, I'm sure the NSPCC is the right route - far better than Social Services, who are constantly over stretched. The other option would be to pass back the message via your daughter to get the girl to call Childline. all the very best, Tony
Absolutely... Childline. Whatever else you do, Lisa, if there is something going on with the child (and it seems pretty likely something is going on), she needs to feel she can pick up that phone. If you can help her to feel she can do that, that's probably about the best thing you can do. Secrecy is the worst shield of child abuse. pe ps oid Blogs! "the art of tea" "that's an odd courgette"
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