cats and tigers

This is a rough outline of my Precautions Against Tiger Attack story if you want to read them in order

Story outline
1. You is sinner
2. The Raid on the zoo
3. A theatre trip disrupted
4. Ministerial Diary Day 1
5. Okay Commuter
6. Panic
7. On the Beat Pete
8. There is a Light that never goes out
9. My tiger and me
10. Back to the Old House
11. Ministerial Diary Day 2
12. Panic 2
13. On the Beat Pete 2
14. Ministerial Diary Day 3
15. Chapter 1
16. There is a Light that never goes out 2
17. Okay Commuter 2
18. On the Beat Pete 3
19. Ministerial Diary Day 4
20. Chapter 2
21. Ministerial Diary Day 5
22. Chapter 3
23. There is a Light that never goes out 3
24. Okay Commuter 3
25. Ministerial Diary Day 6
26. Chapter 4
27. On the Beat Pete 4
28. Okay Commuter 4
29. Breaking News
30. Ministerial Diary Day 7
31. Back to the Old House 2
32. Chapter 5


Precautions taken against tiger attack Chapter 3

It took me less than half an hour to get to the Plough and Compasses. Yet again I passed through empty streets, in all my time in London I had seen nobody, my only conversation was with a tiger.

Back to the old house

I met Ian and Doug at the Dog and Ferret as planned.

Back to the Old House (2)

I sat with Ian and Doug in the beer garden at the back of the Dog and Ferret, looking down at the bright, shiny new factory that now stood in the place where the Streets had been, where we’d all thr

Okay commuter (2)

I woke up with various muscles and nerves in my body screaming in alarm. Christ, where was I, asleep on a floor, a hard, sticky floor.

There is a light that never goes out (2)

“Lord watch over us in these trouble times, shine light upon us so that we may see the one true way, even in the darkness.”

Smells and Bells

We named him Smells and Bells when he was a kitten


Is it a bird, is it a plane?

Okay commuter

The train station was heaving with people, an angry swarm of suits. There were no trains showing on the departure board.


We’ve just heard that a tiger has escaped from London zoo and is said to be running amok.

You is sinner

You is sinner. You is all sinners. And God has sent a tiger unto us to show his fury, to carry out his great vengeance on a sinful world.

The raid on the zoo

The crowd besieged the zoo gates, thousands of them hooded, masked and unmasked, armed with hammers, crowbars and petrol bombs, the gates were twisted, hammered, exploded and burnt.

On the beat Pete

“This one’s a Josephine Harris” said sergeant Ingold as I rang the bell, “no mention of a husband or boyfriend.”

There is a light that never goes out

The church was empty but for the vicar, who was replacing the candles surrounding the font. It was silent in a way that only churches in a busy, bustling city can achieve.

Precautions against tiger attack: Chapter 1

God almighty, I’m trying to get this tiger story into some sort of order, but it’s a herculean challenge.

Ministerial Diary: Day 1

It all started with a call from Sally in the PM's office. "The man would like to talk to you," she said, "he'll be ringing in five minutes."

My tiger and me

They make out that the tiger's dangerous. "London in tiger terror," the headlines say, "Keep away from the tiger if you value your life," the government leaflets advise.

Precautions against tiger attack: Chapter 2

It turns out there are 37 pubs called the Plough and Compasses in London alone. I didn’t frequent any of them.

Ministerial Diary: Day 4

Chloe welcomed me into the office this morning with an urgent piece of paper; an emergency requisition request for properties in the Westminster area, that would allow empty properties to be taken ove

Ministerial Diary: Day 5

Up at 3.30 a.m. to go to Manchester for an interview on BBC breakfast.

On the beat Pete (2)

“The only language they understand is brute force.”

On the beat Pete (3)

The Chief Inspector called me into his office.
Gold cherry

There is a light that never goes out (3)

The soup kitchen was busy, as busy as the rest of London was silent and still.

Precautions taken against tiger attack: Chapter 4

After my meeting with Nigel I decided to return to the other Plough and Compasses. What sort of journalist was I, you might ask, if my day simply involved crawling from pub to pub?

Ministerial diary Day 6

An emergency has been declared. The tiger is officially declared a ‘category red’.

Ministerial Diary: Day 7

Just 18 hours after the Bill is passed I get a call from Chloe. “The tiger’s been caught,” she said, “well done.”

Precautions taken against tiger attack Chapter 5

Stephen has improved immensely since he started on his medication. He no longer has delusions about talking tigers and government conspiracies.

The tiger and the washing up

“There’s an escaped tiger,” I warned my wife, “it was on the news. It broke out of a zoo. You’d better be careful. Close the cat-flap and don’t leave...