Air guitar lamp incident

New poems, 2011.

Poem of the week

I was an idiot at that party

'Someone's drank my beers' a man who seemed kind said
Poem of the week

A secret something

It was like the two of us had murdered someone; I had accidentally tripped an electrician down the stairs and now he was tied up in the boot of your car.

A sunny day in Bognor

When some people make sandwiches. they know what goes with what.

Brown leather jacket

This is the jacket for you, my friend,’ he says and before I realise it my arm is at a right angle as he slips it on.

Buying dishwasher tablets

But the thing about praying, they used to tell us at Sunday School. is that it cannot be selfish
Gold cherry

Rebuilding the woolly mammoth

there is something comforting about a warehouse space where a group of people try to rebuild a lifesize woolly mammoth

She'll break your heart

Nothing beats being inconsolable seeing my friends worried faces, not knowing how to deal with me. 'I've never seen him like this,' I want them to say as I am writhing on the floor, howling,

Some chips and a pint

he's not waiting for someone if he was he'd have checked his phone or watch or looked over his shoulder

Holding a pair of last year's trousers

“That was the day I realised” he'll tell Matthew Wright on Channel 5. An anecdote about a patio chair snapping in two.

Things are okay right now and hopefully it will be like this for a while

I make a note of another dinner party on the calendar on my office wall and look at the paintings

Sharing a Jägerbomb

You can share my jumpers sometimes I'll wear your shoes if I need to nip outside to take the bin out

There is something astonishing within you

I had accidentally tripped an electrician down the stairs and now he was in the boot of your car.

The Apocalypse

That's why I've been walking up and down the road wearing my The End is Nigh sandwich board

I wish I believed in aliens

I wish I didn't find it so implausible that a spaceship could land beside me on Brighton beach

Milkshakes on Wednesdays

tomorrow you will be Batman and I will be Robin. The other customers looked confused at the sight of us in fancy dress lycra

Living by the seaside

This week I've been staying in a flat near the seaside

Let's buy a pier

in fact when you told me the news it was me who bought you the Champagne

The Cannes Film Festival

the assistant Director of Photography died in a warehouse fire last Christmas.
Gold cherry

Screaming our tits off

that odd contradiction of screaming your tits off with the tranquillity of breast stroke.

Je joue le pingpong

I am eating a lolly with my top off.

Shmoozing at an evening do

No-one really likes canapes

The former president of the German Central Bank

All we need is a few billionaires to put their hands in their pockets.

Drunk Groom

as he was saying I do Gordon, a man with a van was moving everything to their new house

Tuesday was my perfect day

you spread out your arms and made the plane noise ‘zooooooooooooooooooooom’

People get sad on holiday

dive into a circular swimming pool drink posh cocktails with bendy straws

Two men talk about the blues

And suddenly Robert Johnson is in the five disc changer

I'm sorry for mentioning how much you must miss your ex boyfriend

I’m normally good at these sensitive things Once I saw a girl crying on the street It was eleven am and I said are you okay and she said no

Grown man makes new friend

Camra shortlisted Pub of the Year that is worth the extra walk.

Must kill President

I have never assassinated before never even killed a dog.

The man who sells roses has never given his wife roses

I was in a bad mood but then Katie sent me a photograph of a sandcastle.

The 2012 John Lewis Christmas Advert

Holiday snaps

But in the canteen she is so happy saying: these are us the sandcastles we made
Gold cherry

Probably start a poetry night

It’s nights like this I think about Whitby. Whitstable

Stories of buried treasure

The little boy has heard stories That the churchyard near the seaside has ghosts.

Dirty seaside town

people who enjoy strolls round cathedrals and popping into antiques shops wouldn’t like it

How do you go on holiday?

I guess you go into a travel agents or maybe have a look online. Someone you know might want to come along too. I guess either you've been saving...