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Yep, I agree with Terrence.
Posted on Sun, 11 May 2014
Yep, I agree with Terrence. It puts you there in the Wriggleys and the smoke. Watch the rogue 'of' (off) in the fourth last line. The passage about the girls figure seemed like it could be a little smoother maybe? Instead of "Hers looked...
Read full commentPosted in The Walthamstow Bird
Very good poem. I thought
Posted on Sun, 11 May 2014
Very good poem. I thought there was the risk of sentimentality but no, sharp edged and transporting words. A heartfelt and brave write. Well done.
Read full commentPosted in The Wedding Dress (for mother's day)
Hey Dauntlesscake, I like
Posted on Sun, 11 May 2014
Hey Dauntlesscake, I like this piece of writing. Comes across as genuine and from first hand. There are quite a few typos that a good edit should sort out, I copied a couple of them below for your scrutiny.
"They (the) blood...
Read full commentPosted in Chapter One
Provides an affecting
Posted on Thu, 08 May 2014
Provides an affecting vignette. Needs a little edit to make it really shine but lots of discrete parts are really good. I love the child's dialogue and the clandestine observation that comes at the end. Well done.
Read full commentPosted in Small Secrets
Tough stuff mandy. Well done
Posted on Thu, 08 May 2014
Tough stuff mandy. Well done. Fabulous first sentence by the way.
Read full commentPosted in Pitch Black
A really excellent piece of
Posted on Wed, 07 May 2014
A really excellent piece of writing. The ship's world and the relationships of the characters are established right from the outset, I think that this is really accomplished. I don't like the omniscience of the seventh last paragraph but that...
Read full commentPosted in William's Powder Keg
Really excellent. Short,
Posted on Sun, 06 Apr 2014
Really excellent. Short, pithy and encapsulates some of the universal truths of love's fallen hope. Well done.
Read full commentPosted in Dining with you
Absolutely made me laugh not
Posted on Mon, 03 Mar 2014
Absolutely made me laugh not just smile. I agree with the above comment concerning the comma. Excellent stuff.
Read full commentPosted in The Golden Spoon Award
Could really picture the
Posted on Fri, 21 Feb 2014
Could really picture the sword fighting drills scene. Well done.
Read full commentPosted in Tales of Ancient Rome: Salidia and Lydia Chapter 6
Glad that you didn't get too
Posted on Thu, 20 Feb 2014
Glad that you didn't get too explicit with the torture scene, omission heightens the effect.
Read full commentPosted in Tales of Ancient Rome: Salidia and Lydia Chapter 4
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