Geoff's poems

Short poems hopefully similar in style to Pam Ayres

Buzz words

A long time ago, just after “Once upon a Time”, but before “Hello Grandad,” young office managers invented a system of communication that made them sound very important, but didn’t really me

A sprig of holly

A sprig of holly I was bussing home the other day My journey just begun When a pair of gym shoes passed me With the laces all undone Short trousers on a pair of legs

A very short story

Marvin was a short knight. He was so short he had to have a special suit of lightweight armour made for him.


Babel Good morning, greetings, hello mate Are the words you use to greet Any of your English friends If you meet them in the street Now most of us learned French at school

Bird watching

I’ve bought a new bird feeder I’m afraid the birds look all the same They all have beaks and feathers But I don’t know their names I had a friend who said he knew

Boogie Woogie

I love Boogie Woogie Oh how I longed to play But nobody encouraged me So I practiced scales all day Walking bass and high speed runs Look simple on a page But my fingers wouldn’t do it


Chocolate I’m a chocoholic, I’ll eat chocolate ‘till I’m sick I’ll eat thin bars full of peppermint as well as bars quite thick

Collecting rock labels is bad for your teeth

Seaside rock is quite unique For each stick has a label My neighbour travels round the world And finds me rock when she is able When she comes home I eat the rock


Milk I wanted some milk but was not sure what kind So I went to a dairy where I thought I would find All types of milk that are offered for sale

English as she is spoke

English as she is Spoke Pronouncing English can be hard As every foreigner knows Where different words are spelt the same But don’t sound as you suppose

Walking for your health

Walking for your health It’s winter by the grey King’s stone And there a group of people you may find With healthy walking on their mind Over Clattern bridge and Charter Quay they pass

My 59 minute friend

My 59 minute friend I have a friend I telephone We have a lot in common Once we’ve started chatting The talk goes on and on We talk about our children We talk about our friends

My friend the tax man

My Friend the Tax man I’ve been talking to my tax man He is a lovely chap “I’ve just read your tax return,” he said “It’s all a load of crap

Plain speaking

Plain speaking This here’s a poem what I wrote In my English class at school Teacher made me read it out I din’t ‘arf feel a fool It’s sort of a bit like essays

How to become a famous poet

How to become a famous poet I spend lots of spare time writing Mostly doggerel or worse Friends sometimes try to flatter me And call it poetry or verse But the public doesn’t know me


Winifred I have a cat called Winnie She jumps up on my lap She’s friendly and she purrs a lot She is a happy cat She has a little cat flap And can stay out all the night


Shopping Buy a pint of milk and a loaf of bread That is what my lady said So I’m off to the shops without delay Her every order I must obey The shop keeps the milk in metal racks

Obtaining a passport

On Obtaining a Passport After queuing for 20 minutes I spoke to a man behind the post office counter So you want to travel to foreign lands? Then you need a passport in your hands

One hundred words

The ‘Varsity of the Third Age, want a hundred words upon a page, To form a story or a poem: - work that’s to be done at hoem.

My cat

My cat My cat is too fat but he doesn’t know that He eats food like a pig or a sow But I think he’s a cat ‘cos the noises he makes Don’t sound like an ‘oink’ but a ‘meow’

The cloud

The cloud I float on high o’er vales and hills Looking for hosts of daffodils But spring has gone until next year There are no daffodils I fear So I head off south and on the way

Writing doggerel

Writing doggerel I like to sit and write in rhyme And most of the time I think I’m quite successful But I often find my mind goes blank and then I can’t find the rhyme I want.

May Day

May Day Today is May Day so I’ll be seen With all my friends on the village green Midst crowds around a striped maypole Dancing like villagers did of old

My cats

My cats Some years ago we got two cats Well they were kittens really They were pretty little creatures And we knew we’d love them dearly One of them was tabby The other black and white

The snowflake's dream

The snowflake’s dream I’m a lonely little snowflake ‘Cos I’m miserable in the cold Which is not what snowflakes should be At least so I am told I want to be a sunflower

Fooling my friends

Fooling my friends I know an authoress called Jenny She’s kind enough to read my work However badly written From it she does not shirk But as she reads my writings

The job

The job I work for the railway Just an ordinary bloke I used to think my current job Was only just a joke I stand on a big station But I’m not one of the porters


Leaves Leaves are lovely in the summer But in autumn they must fall There’s a reason for their dropping That involves them all Most of them lay and rot away Nourishing the ground

The little leaf

The little leaf A little leaf grew on a tree ‘How will I know when to fall?’ It asked of every living thing Coming near enough to call It never got an answer

Never judge a stranger

Never judge a stranger Never judge a stranger Merely by his clothes Arabs all wear bed sheets That reach down to their toes Russians wear lots and lots of fur

Now that I'm 80

Now that I’m 80 I’ve noticed something happening right before my eyes Hills are getting steeper much to my surprise Weights seem to get much heavier every blessed day

The transparent man

The transparent man The transparent man stands alone on the pavement. People pass on either side although he’s rarely seen. Then someone stops to talk to him.

My cat is now thin

My cat is now thin My cat’s getting thin for I’m now feeding him A smaller amount and no treats For he’s got very old which is why I’ve been told

Seaside rock

Seaside rock is a favourite treat It’s big and crunchy and tasty to eat But whatever the flavour every one Has a different seaside label on Proper rock has letters right through


This week I cleaned my windows Which I very rarely do Unless they’re very misty And I cannot see right through So with a bowl of water Some cleaning rags and soap A squeegee and a ladder


In palaces a courtier makes his bow The archer draws his bow But both these words are spelled the same How do we their meaning know? An oarsman goes out to row his boat

The Weald and Downland museum

I recently went out for the day On a coach trip with the U3A To the Weald and Downland open air museum Who have lots of buildings and I wanted to see ‘em Sixty children in period costume

How to get published

How to get published Writers want to be famous To be published they all try I once worked out the ‘famous’ bit But to do that you must die Starved in a lonely garret

My friend

I have a friend called Mary She likes all sorts of things She likes to cuddle cuddly toys And listen to birds that sing She loves fresh colours of trees in leaf And flowers in the spring

The shopping list

The first thing on my list is a loaf of bread There’s already a poem about all that So there’s no more to be said Next some milk, I’ve done that too This shopping list is easy to do

In Kingston Town

In Kingston town did Rosie Greaves A friendly writing course decree Where Thames the well known river ran ‘Long towpaths walked by many a man Down to the open sea

I want a bowl full of cherries

Cherries are the choicest fruit Enabling editors to salute The work of all those abc talers Who in their eyes have made the grade A pity that this accolade Is only printed on a page

The most wonderful poem in the world

Last night I lay asleep in bed When a poem came into my head It would be remembered for all time Perfect cadence, style and rhyme Work like this had ne’er been seen


Without warning comes the day for which we wait all year As from my sitting room with open door I oversee my garden The far end walled by trees New clad in bright contrasting shades of green

Window cleaners rap

I am a window cleaner I clean windows when I can So I’ve got a bucket and a ladder and a window cleaner’s van I never work with companies just households cash in hand

The window cleaner

My father’s a window cleaner My grandfather as well So I started cleaning windows It’s just a job so what the hell? But when I first climbed up my ladder Someone put out all my lights

I'm old

I’m old At least so I’ve been told But I won’t see 80 any more. So I no longer crawl upon the floor Playing with toy soldiers But nor do I have to drive to work

My aching back (rewritten)

Early on this morning My back began to ache So I took a little aspirin to To take the pain away Later on this morning My back was getting worse So I took two paracetamol

I'd rather be a cat (than a dog)

I’d rather be a cat Now there’s nothing wrong with that Cats like to be looked after Just like dogs as well I could stretch and I could purr When my owner strokes my fur

The poetess

I know a lovely poetess Her poetry causes me distress That I relieve with sobs and tears And paper hankies So to mop up tearful issues That affect my water works I have devised a strategy


Honest I didn’t see the bus But I’m lying in the road The traffic hurtling past my head I don’t think I can be dead Now a crowd has gathered round me But there’s hardly any sound