Nasty Little Collection

New poems (2010)


They couldn't stop tickling each other

When they ate out they had one rule - they were not allowed to order for themselves

A boy called Michael Jackson

People who have a famous name
Poem of the week

A go home moment

I didn't realise you were waving at someone else. I thought you were waving at me.'

A hipflask

'Why do you always have a hipflask my friend Tom asks.

A Hymn for the Cigarettes

no peer pressure or impressing bigger boys I just went to the hotel cigarette machine


Ambition is like a bumbling tourist guide you have no idea where it will take you.

Chain of Hurt

I knew I was being pathetic. But sometimes people are pathetic.


It's like when you're in your study, reading


'Your drinking has got out of control' my cleaner tells me


You used to play with my feelings like a magician with three tumblers

Good shoes

I spray paint my account number and sort code on the bridge by the railway station

The city is different now

my legs are like newlyweds asleep in bed breathing in synchronicity

There's something about the railway

the crackle of old radio the smell of a dusty book

Red wine stains

You're probably wondering why the windows are smashed in. From inside and out.

I saw my dead nan on the ghost train

I saw my dead nan on the ghost train she said this is a good ghost train isn't it.

I never used to like whisky

I used to hate the taste of whisky if I was offered some I'd pause before I drank it like I was about to break bad news. As it trickled down I'd grimace

Michael Owen's cheeky accumalator

you've been like Screech from Saved by the Bell unable to find a new role answering endless questions about Zac Morris and Mr Belding.

I wish I believed in aliens

before I closed my curtains at night I'd check the sky for asteroids hurtling towards earth
Gold cherry

May God protect your home

one day I saw an ambulance and was so relieved the next day when you were out in the garden again a trowel in your hand

Don't flake out on me

if me and you stick at it don't set our sights on unrealistic goals then we will both get our carriage clocks a handshake from the CEO

Soya milk

'We better get some soya'

I'm telling everyone I want Germany to win

I'm writing a poem a day about the World Cup. This is day 4, a response to Germany beating Australia. See all the poems at
Poem of the week

Punch up in the Rovers

and two hours later I opened the door to plumes of smoke a Victoria sponge

The sestina sestina

A sestina, where instead of using 6 end words I use one. And it's 'sestina.'


I know you said you had no garden tools.


Years later I moved I'd had enough of the city life the Nottinghamshire countryside beckoned.

They couldn't stop tickling each other

They always read the same books, side by side in bed, turning pages simultaneously.

The Japanese Restaurant

On my lunchbreak I walked past a Japanese restaurant and saw my friends sat at a table by the window.

The first date

I tell her I am lonely, that I spend most of my time without any trousers on.

I like to watch the fire engines

and the whole world is a single carriageway with cars indicating and pulling over
Gold cherry


'Why me?' I asked waking 500 years in the future

Talking to Camera

but every time you either stumble over your lines, a police car screeches past or someone creeps into the back of the shot

Your children are fast asleep upstairs

Your chiropodist hasn't answered her phone all morning 'What can she be up to!'

Pages from Ceefax

'We are being drip-fed by these life support machines'

Tomorrow's World

'We're all going to wear jetpacks' we all said at school the next morning
Gold cherry

The unlucky shop

My love life is like the unlucky shop. Derelict most of the time and then suddenly a bakery.


Wednesdays are like album tracks you want to skip past to get to Friday.

I donated money anonymously

£5.80 to Haiti anonymously.

Most people aren't that happy anyway

Most people are phoning work at 9.05, ‘I’ve overslept again. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

That money would have turned you into a bastard

Poem about this story
Poem of the week

Lily Allen Dream

'How's Lily?' people in the office would ask and I'd tell them the things we'd been up to.

Orbital, Aphex Twin and Squarepusher.

He deals with problems the same way he deals with the dripping tap in the bathroom just puts on his music until he can't hear.

I have fallen in love with someone beautiful

She is an illustrator of children's books obviously
Gold cherry

Missing Trains

I take a seat on a bench. It starts to rain. My pound is swallowed by the vending machine,

No, no, no.

'I am in love with a girl called Kelly' I tell my tattooist but by now he knows that more than anyone.


I was on top of a human pyramid motorcycle display team when she texted to say she was leaving me.

Moving out

Anna says to help herself to lilies for her room