Tales of The Journey

SomeoneTellMeWhatHappened!?!?!

Well, let’s start with this – welcome to all who would have the patience to read through all the ramblings that’s about to follow! Fair warning though – as this is my first post it may not give you the answer to the eternal question “What The **** Happened” (as the title hints) to me or anyone else who’s out there still trying to find that answer.  

BUT (there’s always a BUT!) will give you some idea of why I’m rambling, a peek of what makes me “me” and, of course, will confirm that I am still one of those trying to find the answer to the eternal question “What The Hell Happened????”

It’s a universal question. A questions that you can use for any given moment of your life or a specific situation. Sometimes it’s not the answer, but the reason how did we managed to get to the point to dwell on it. And this is where things get really REALLY finny (most of the times) or not that funny, just extremely embarrassing, or sometimes not even remotely funny.

As this is the start of my journey I know there isn’t one (answer I mean), at least not one that I’d like to hear but deep down I keep asking myself over and over and over again, especially when my brain does not cooperate, I’m desperate for some descent sleep and there are at least two persons asking me different questions simultaneously, while I’m trying to load the dishwasher for example and on the phone trying to pretend I know exactly which appointment/event they are talking about…

Sounds familiar?

I truly hope so otherwise I am in a desperate need of psychiatrist… Well, I needed one at a certain point in my “personal roller coaster” called life, but that’s another story. See? I told you there’s always a “BUT”! l learned that from my son by the way and I’m sure he would be the best lobbyist ever shall he choose to become one.

Another fair warning – this is not DIY, self-improvement, style, etc, blog – it’s my attempt to understand those ramblings I mentioned earlier and make some sense out of it, it’s my personal journey to wherever I’m supposed to arrive and where I started that journey from. Hopefully, my ups and downs, experiences, wins and losses might spare the unbelievable awkwardness when you realise “Am I still THAT naive???”.

Well, I am. Still. THAT. Naive.

At least to some extend – some lessons I learned, some I still can’t understand for the life of me why I had or will have to learn and dreading those I’m sure I will encounter on day… Then I realised (you would understand why, later on, if a managed to tickle your curiosity enough to read one of my next posts) I have to say what I have to say, I have to share what I have experienced my way – not the way seen from those around me, I have to do something just to keep my sanity and right now I’m a bit limited to what I can or can’t do – so writing it is!

I hope my husband will appreciate it, it might spare him tons of ramblings:)

Now I understand why people keep telling me I talk too much and being, to put it mildly, blunt sometimes, having a quick look at the first few paragraphs… Well, what can I say… I’ve got lots to say. And I surely don’t have the patience nor the time to be a bit more thoughtful and aware of people feelings (if they have any – don’t take that the wrong way please!) before I start talking. Sometimes you just have to skip all the pleasantries and say what must be said, even if it’s “a bit blunt”.    

So, let’s cut to point – I am a 41 years old mum of two (definitely not liking the 40’s so far – whoever said life starts after 40 have to elaborate more on this as I’m still waiting it to start!) beautiful and amazing (of course they are, they are mine:) children and an even more amazing husband, whom I met when I was 16 and been married for nearly 20 years now. Got to check the exact date and year of our wedding one of these days…  It’s getting really embarrassing when you get a “Congratulations on your anniversary” call and you have no idea what are they talking about… Apparently, it’s just us that don’t remember or forget that today is the day… Well, I know it’s 6^th of January, just the year is not coming to me right now… And I forgot because life ALWAYS have plans on 6^th of January and they do not include our anniversary.

Let’s be honest here, if you are still reading you already know why my husband is “even more amazing than my children” – he still lives with my constant ramblings about anything you can think of. How he does it (another story, that caused a whole two days of “interesting discussions”, which I promise to share) I truly don’t know, because if we had to swap places… I simply don’t know, can’t even imagine it! Can’t stand ramblings except my own although I consider myself as a very good listener… Interesting, right?

The variety of topics I intend to ramble about will cover almost every topic of a life of a full time working mum could come up with, trying to keep it together and hide the fact that although I look like I know exactly what I am doing, I actually don’t…

But everyone prefers not to talk about “this” (I’ll define “this” later on, otherwise I don’t think I’ll finish writing today…) for variety of reasons. After all, who knows what people may think of me, or God forbid, I say something blunt… Which, includes, saying that you are not fine when asked “how are you?” with the most sympathetic and friendly face on earth. I know… Again, it’s a universal question, I truly get it, I just don’t get it when people I think actually care about me get “no, I’m not fine”. Apparently, turns out there are quite a few of them but never mind, though it’s fun finding out who’s who.  

It’s just that I’m getting to a point where I can’t keep up with whatever is happening around me and I know I am not alone. There are so many amazing ladies that are everything for everyone 24/7, 7 days a week, with a successful careers and accomplishments (or doing their best to do so) and most of the times it’s simply expected of them.

You will work, preferably something that goes well with being beautiful mum, perfect wife and holding a position that amplifies your feminine side… whatever that means. You will take care of a family, you will take care of the household, you will get through pregnancy, then maternity leave, then back on the roller coaster.

And meanwhile, don’t forget – you should look like you are not tired, not exhausted, you have to keep your “looks” for as long as possible and behave like a lady at all costs – and all that should be seen from the outside as an effortless, graceful and elegant dance.

Only it isn’t.  

Yes, of course there are happy moments and days, but nothing is effortless and surely doesn’t feel like an elegant dance. More like Jiu jitsu wrestling sometimes. Nevertheless, it’s almost always funny only at least 10 years after the wrestling.

And I know (if you are still reading, of course) you know exactly what picture I am describing here. I know, I know… it’s nothing new.

True, it’s nothing new.

Then why if it’s not new and everyone reading this still trying to dance effortlessly…

Well, I, for one thought “this is insane!” I can’t dance anymore anyway, but that’s not the point.

So I stopped dancing effortlessly. Just to get something clear – I’m not re-inventing the wheel here or have the slightest intention of claiming to do so – I know I am not the first one deciding to step out of the dance floor and I definitely won’t be the last one. Although, I have to admit, in my case it wasn’t by choice, I only regret I was stupid enough not to know that I had to make that choice long time ago.

Back to stepping out of the dancefloor – this is where the real fun begins. As we all define “fun” differently not everything that happens once you stop dancing will be fun, but I’ll do my best to look at it at the bright side or at least provide you with a “spoiler alert” when diving into the privilege and all the joys that comes with being a mum, being 41, being many things that would be hard to see as any form of joy, but as I do not intend to create fiction journey, the realty sometimes is far from being fun or joy.

BUT!!!

I had and still have the privilege to have my fair share of the joys, and I truly hope that the “reality joys” will occur very rarely from now on (I know, wishful thinking, right!) as I truly had enough.

Fingers crossed, I’m… let’s say half way through my journey. While on my quest I had some very bad cards dealt with during my journey, but I also had an amazing ones too.

So, anyone who wish to step out of the dance floor, even just for a minute?