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Ok
Posted on Sat, 31 Jan 2015
I love that you are writing this Jake. There's action, feeling, conflict and a little bit of very tactful sensuality. I know that you are commited to this and good on you for it, see it through until the end and when it's finished...
Read full commentPosted in Luck (part I)
Welcome Aravind. Good story!
Posted on Tue, 27 Jan 2015
Welcome Aravind. Good story!
Read full commentPosted in THE INTELLIGENT PIGEON
Aargh! the conflicting
Posted on Mon, 26 Jan 2015
Aargh! the conflicting advice is so frustrating, I'd have added in the 'don't let her/him sleep on their front/ won't sleep on their back' battle.
Read full commentPosted in Breast is Best
A typo:
Posted on Thu, 08 Jan 2015
Typo:
As I dove (dived) onto the bed I looked for her anus
Read full commentPosted in The Erection
I would recommend that the
Posted on Sun, 04 Jan 2015
I would recommend that the comma in the first line and the full stop at the end should go, as should the hyphen in the ninth line. A change of the enjambment there, in the ninth line, giving 'body of many parts' its own seperate line...
Read full commentPosted in The City Lives
This is really good kilb.
Posted on Tue, 16 Dec 2014
So good this. Maybe a tiny dip towards the last bit. I'm all for lightness and brevity but maybe a few words extra to oil the changes (After he’d washed his hands Dougie-boy muttered: “See you later” and left.).
This is me...
Read full commentPosted in The Devil's Dish Served Six Different Ways (chapters 5 & 6)
Wow.
Posted on Thu, 11 Dec 2014
Klep (tomaniac?) seems tormented and driven. I hope that these monsters that he's creating are ultimately found to possess enduring goodness despite such horrific physiological and spiritual alchemy that he has imposed. Then again I'm...
Read full commentPosted in Shadow Cooking
A story dominated by the
Posted on Wed, 10 Dec 2014
A story dominated by the centrality of the male ego. Perhaps attempt one that doesn't subscribe to chronic gender stereotyping?
Read full commentPosted in the marriage
Smooth and, as far as I can
Posted on Tue, 09 Dec 2014
Smooth and as far as I can see flawlessly written. Is this the start of something longer? There are four characters already, discounting Hamzas' line manager and that suggests this is going to run.
Read full commentPosted in The Devil's Dish Served Six Different Ways (chapters 1 & 2)
What was the cause of his
Posted on Sun, 07 Dec 2014
What was the cause of his egocentricity and anger?
Read full commentPosted in How to control temper
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