An Idiot in the class

I feel ok

Then the photocopies come round

I try to stay ok

Everybody is reading

I’m not, my eyes dart over the page

It’s a dirty mush

I’ll be ok

They are still reading

And scraping chairs

And coughing

And dropping pens

It will probably be ok if I don’t read it

I’ll be fine

 

I go to the toilet to get out of it

I come back. Damn they are still reading

Maybe I can tear up the paper

Or maybe pretend to read it

What are they all writing?

What are they all writing about?

 

I fucking sit there again like a twat

Ok I’ll try again

Reading … fucking noise … what was I reading?

Ok this bit

Oh I don’t know

Yes this bit, no, I’m not sure.

My eyes splurge on the back dot spewed mush

Oh back to the reading, hang on

This line, what did it mean?

No idea

Maybe read it again

what line was it?

where was I?

Where could I be but here?

India, Indonesia…

no don’t think of those painful memories now

Ok I’m reading

Damn it’s not going in

I’ll re-read that bit,

What was that bit?

Somewhere in the black bits I guess

 

No. Stop. Everyone has finished

Too late

Too fucking late everytime

I’m not going to try again

Next time I won’t even try to read it

Best way.

Oh! Can’t stand it.

I can’t say outloud what an idiot I am

How flawed I am

I want to give it all up

Always the same. Always.

 

We get into groups

I haven’t read one fucking word

Ok, I don’t need to talk about it

I’ll just sit here in a shell

They are talking, no idea what about

The mush on the page has turned to mush in my head

I didn’t read it, stupid idiot

Maybe I could just leave the class.

Walk out in a big fit.

 

“What do you think Justin?”

“Um, well…”

Oh god I don’t know

I should just say

No I can’t

Oh thank god someone else is talking

I had nothing to say anyway

The one who asked me probably thinks I’m stupid now

Oh what does it matter

They all think I’m an idiot, everyone, the whole world

All of them

 

I’m angry with myself

I’m angry with the world

I feel guilty, guilty for being angry

I wait for this shit to end

bla bla bla bla

I don’t know what everyone is talking about

Maybe I could have a big paddy

Chuck things about

Throw paper in the air, scream a bit

Swear

 

No, I’ll just sit here

I’ll just go into my shell and be all quiet

Maybe stay in my shell all day now

Yes, hide, hide from it all

 

They are all writing and discussing

How do they fucking do that?

I can’t even read

I can’t even write

can’t even listen

can’t even think

There is no time

There is never enough time

What is everyone talking about now?

When is this going to end?

I feel sick

I’m clearly a complete idiot.

They all know it

No they don’t

Maybe I should just yell it out:

“I’m a fucking retard!”

No, I won’t even say a fucking word, ever.

I think to myself: I’m a self obsessed twat

I’m doing it on purpose anyway

I’m a flawed human being

I’ll say nothing from my shell.

I will say nothing from hell.

 

I feel angry

I feel like crying

 

Oh.

But what can I do?

What is the way out?

 

I know.

I’ll write a stupid fucking poem about it

 

 

--------

Background:

I wrote this in class about my own struggle, and I'm a 44 year old
mature student having to come to terms with it all again. So as a
special needs person I am still like a child even though the adult me
knows how he should deal with it the special needs me can go of the
rails.

Thing is, it is not just reading, once your brain goes, gets stressed, the whole world fall appart.

I hope it will help others understand the problems both if they are
special needs or for others knowing special needs students / people
(because it never goes student or worker)

In my case I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic, possibly adhd, though not yet tested on that, in progress.

The picture is of me as a kid, which is still where I am at with my learning difficulties!