Oooer! Stumble out of bed and trip over an empty plastic cider bottle. Catch knee - and I stress already badly damaged knee from years of tennis and genuflecting - on corner of desk. One of the advantages of being anaesthetised by alcohol is one does not feel a lot of pain. Well not straight away; there is a time delay; much like the one when your fingers are completely frozen, as you work outside in a blizzard and are clipping cables to the outside of a barn on a windswept Coltswold hillside, and you hit your thumb but don't feel anything for about 20 seconds. And then it starts to throb with an increasing amount of pain, like a rachet being turned up one notch at a time. These things I know.
just came across this last night when I was going through old stuff from my short stay at Ruskin College in Oxford. The college had a small green space with quite simply the largest Silver Birch tree I had ever seen. And I mean huge, I'd only ever seen the average size Silver Birches one normally sees. This was the size of an Oak. There was a bench surrounding it and I spent many an evening under it doing 2 of my favourite things; gettting drunk and watching people. I went in one Monday morning and it was gone!!!!!!! Nowt, nothing, nyada. (Oh I love trees by the way.) The context is important here: It was the afternoon class and we had to listen to people reading what I felt to be rather tame and dull prose and poetry. People were drifting off but I was fuming about the tree. We were given the task of writing a few lines about something that was on your mind at the moment. Nice one. People were falling asleep: It came to my turn. I barked:
MY LIFE OY VAY 7 Just came to after a 7 day jag, and looked in the mirror. Now I know I shouldn't do that, but it's the same as rubbernecking on the motorway after a pileup. It can get you killed. But you do it anyway. God I don't need to catch a plane to get the 'redeye'. I looked like The Wild Man from Borneo's scrofulous elder brother. I hadn't bathed or washed my hair in days, and my hair felt like rush matting. So I decided I had to get some shampoo and generally clean up. So I wobbled in to Soho via Tesco and bought some Wash and Go; apparently there's one out now for kids called Go and Wash! I pootled around Soho, bought a sandwich and sat in Soho Square and checked out my fellow bohemians at play. I picked my way back on legs not unlike Bambi's when he first tried to stand. And so began the long process of getting cleaned up and stronger, ready for the next binge.
ME, BO A DUCHESS AND THE FLAMINGO It is summer 1963. I was up early, it was a beautiful day, but I was as mad as hell. I'd had an argument with my girlfriend the night before; I was seventeen and just didn't understand women. She was sixteen and quite obviously didn't understand men. Well young men anyway. I knew what I had to do. Go and buy some records. I threw on my American Levi's which had a button fly and were faded and beginning to go at the knees. I had a thick leather belt with a huge buckle. Was I at the cutting edge of sartorial grungeness! No. I threw on a red t-shirt and a red and blue cardigan that my mother had knitted me - which was now misshapen - to top off this ensemble. Oh although it was summer I was wearing a pair of large winter woolly socks that my Grandmother had knitted me.
STYXBROOX'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2006. Styxbroox the world famous soothsayer and mountebank predicts the events of 2006. Jan. 1st. Peter Mandelson will announce that he is cutting all ties with New Labour and reality,