Spunky doggerel

spunky doggerel


A baker falls over

It's like the time I was in the marketplace and a baker fell over

A disastrous campaign in Bohemia

he shows them to the roof where bar tenders somersault tequila into tall glasses

Are you happy?

You're dunking Dominos Meat Feast in to barbecue sauce

Both of us in baseball caps

an attorney dressed as Elvis.

Ordering Room Service

helping an amputee cut up his food

Wrecking Ball

watching blocks of flats around us collapse

George Aligayah

enunciates every word whenever he is alone, "The Queen is Dead."

We should call a man

It's not my fault that I'm not able to French Polish the scratched coffee table

There's someone dead in the toilet

I know it's Emma's party and I don't want to spoil it but I think there is somebody dead in the toilet.

I've got a good game going on up here

tanoys apologise to people missing meetings

Miss Tempest Thinks

mouths the words 'There is a storm coming'

I forgot to mention the moon

the muddy footsteps over our carpet, two men, one much bigger than the other,

Picturing myself in the mountains, 10,000 miles away

I share a feather duvet with the headmistress of the local primary school

From his bed in the capital city

the old lady who was in the local newspaper after biting the arm of her mugger.

In this square

Wall three. Wind-chimes.

Teenage Rebellion

and I’d hear Steve Lamacq say ‘Sleeper are at Shepherd’s Bush Empire’ and he may have been mentioning Tolkien villages

Queen Exchange

A story I wrote a few years ago and just found on my old computer
Poem of the week

Sometimes when I think about you it makes me feel a bit sick

the lady in Barnados beamed such a smile when I came in with a bin bag under each arm.

We used to take drugs together

you say 'I bet all of our primary school teachers are dead by now' I think back to Mr Holland and Mrs Phillips and realise you're probaby right.

It's hard to imagine any of our friends will die

there is no time for asthma attacks or carbon monoxide poisoning, motorway pile ups or complications during minor surgery

Slade and Wham at Christmas

and you hear Slade and Wham and Driving Home for Christmas by Chris Rea.

The way your face lights up

when you hear on the radio someone you like has died like Heath Ledger or Tony Hart


We know where the wireless hotspots are

The day everything was okay

it felt as euphoric as stealing a speedboat

When you were talking about your mum

I really wanted to ask 'how old were you when ...'


'This is the worst orchestra I've ever been in. I'm going to have a word with Elaine.


We used to ring on doorbells then run away.

My night out

When I was on my sixth pint my friend Mark said he was thinking about having a haircut. I said he shouldn't. I said he suited scruffy hair.

Nothing compares to you

this isn't a parody or a late night pissed up sing a long. Nothing compares to you.

The funk

never having trusted anyone enough with a spare key for never getting to know my neighbours