Unreal

Things posted on Teasmade Revenge

Cherry

An Open Letter To Russell Brand

Dear Russell Brand Oh Russell, oh Russell, let me comb your dark locks Let me iron your y-fronts and treat your sex-pox I shall sew on your jeans so they cut off your blood

An Ode To Boris Johnson

Whose was that shining head of gold? Whose feet were those a-pedalling bold? Of whom are ancient legends told? Who puts to shame the knights of old? Boris! A paragon of all manhood!

Dave The Lobster Boy

Written in frustration after being told told to write a poem about an artwork of my choice in the Surrealism room of the Tate Modern. I chose the Lobster on a Telephone thing.

I Ain't Being Racialist, Innit?

This season it’s cool to wear leggings, Especially with a long top For playsuits, the girls are all begging And scouring the floor of Top Shop; They’re telling us all to get thinner -

La Ville Entiere

(based on a painting by Ernst) A year ago, I saw something different in you Exhilaration, kaleidoscope kingfisher colour When you looked at me Then

Fat Girl Walking

Why fat chicks such as myself are wholly despised by patrons of public transportation.