P IS FOR PRESS STATEMENT PLONKER GOES For immediate Relief Campus radio stations throughout the UK were agog with indifference this week as news of a top sacking filtered through the network. Roger Hill, 15, was ousted from his post as Programme Controller, SRN, by his new boss Linda McCarty. The fiery red-headed Station Manager was unwilling to talk at length about the reasons for Hail's departure but she did say, "Roger was here in the embryonic phase of SRN. Now it's The Network and life and art have moved on". Insiders say the diminutive ex-Programme Controller was shown the door because of a fundamental lack of understanding of anything whatsoever to do with radio. Management were tight-lipped at the bustling new media headquarters of MiraBiliS (MBS). CEO Dan Mules was "unavailable for comment" according to Ms Shola Fanny, who then told the whole story. MD. Stephen Gradnier, said, "Never in my 96 years in radio have I met such a....." Mr Gradnier was later put down for a rest behind a screen by two nurses with a gas tank and a large syringe. Roger "Embryo" Hill settled into his new employment at the formerly burgeoning promotions and advertising studio, BBDP, claiming to anyone in student radio who would still give him the time of day that he was "... now in charge as Head of Music, proprietor and CEO". Meanwhile, dark rumours began circulating in the City. Word was that an elfin-like former partner of the EC2 law practice, Hammond Soap Suddards, was seen in Bayswater Road restaurants with arms dealers, trying to stockpile napalm and Claymore anti-personnel mines. MBS Proprietor, Christ Parkinson-Slaw, laughed off suggestions that he'd told his partner, Mules, that if the current surveillance on him were not so tight he would "... gladly tie a car axle to Hails nuts and chuck him in the Thames. [Eds - please check last para. Lawyers are flying all over frigging town on this one.] Parkinson-Slaw, when reached in the Cayman Islands, said through gritted teeth, "Just once, very clearly, I say this: I'll sue you into oblivion if you use that stuff". A poll of student radio stations conducted this week found that 81\\% of the stations either agreed with or had no opinion about Hill's sacking. Researcher, Henry Victor, said 54\\% of stations couldn't spell Hail and the rest thought he was less important a topic than the rhythm bed under the news. Hill, who has now built tank traps around his Finchley home, shouted disjointed and garbled threats against some of his former colleagues to waiting reporters from a first floor window of his house. Eventually, a buxom woman, said to be "consoling Mr Hail in a difficult time", drew him gently back inside and closed the window. Both Parkinson-Slaw and Mules are now changing the name of their company again in the hope that Hail will be unable to find them in the phone book. End.
