Autobiographies of Dubious Authenticity

Autobiographies... of Dubious Authenticity!


Come to my Barbie Queue - said the invite

Cats, Toast and the Vengeful House Imp

It was a clear, cool autumnal morning, when the neighbourhood cats became obsessed with my toast. Not just slightly interested. Not just sniffing curiously at the edges. Obsessed - in a full-on Stephen King / Steve Buscemi eyes / psychopathic stalker kind of a way. It was disturbing, freaky, not to mention downright abnormal behaviour for a creature of the feline persuasion. I've never seen cats act this way before. Marmosets, dingoes and aardvarks, yes, but never cats. Let me tell you what happened¦

I Was Behind a White Van at the Time

I was stuck there. An old lady was rummaging in her handbag at one end and someone was scooping poop at the other. The white van was parked three...

It's a Bit Draughty on the Moon

Some people think there is no atmosphere on the moon. There is no air, therefore there can be no wind. I beg to differ.


The wind made me think of Oz and then suddenly there was a yellow brick road.


The god with the springy eyes...


I got on a train today and was accosted by a gang of squirrels. Actually, it was a gang of aliens dressed as squirrels...


I am Neo! I am The One! I am the Man of Steel! I am the Dark Knight! I am the Shield Against the Darkness! I am the Fire in the Ice! I am the Hammer...


"Tickets, please."

The Big Spinny Thing

At first it appeared in people's minds.

The Ladder Lady

She is a mirage in the desert...


"What is the meaning of this incongruity?"

The Journey

I arise from sleep, switch on the bedside lamp and I am not troubled by memories of a dark and best-forgotten past.

The Man on the Train

'Never discuss sex, politics or religion with a stranger,' said the man on the train. After which he proceeded to explain to me why monogamy was an unnatural state, Tony Blair was an idiot and the Catholic Church was run by gamblers, drunks and perverts.

Live Surgery!

'What kind of a Surgeon's Assistant are you?' I said to my girlfriend, as we left the house. 'I'm not a Surgeon's Assistant,' she said, as she handed me the keys. 'Hence why I don't have a scalpel.' 'Fair point,' said I, as we trotted merrily on our way to Sainsburys. On the way to Sainsburys, we came upon a junction. A junction with a sign. A sign upon a signpost, attached to which were three other signs, which gave distances and directions to various places. But the sign which our eyes had alighted upon read thus... [ Live Surgery! 2 Miles! This Way! ] 'Live Surgery?' said I. '2 miles?' 'Curious,' said my girlfriend.

Another World (a true story of railway confusion)

I got off the train today and thought I was in another world. It turned out I wasn’t; the train had just stopped at the platform further back than...