I Was Behind a White Van at the Time

 

I was stuck there. An old lady was rummaging in her handbag at one end and someone was scooping poop at the other. The white van was parked three quarters of the way onto the pavement. I couldn't move. There was nowhere to go but up, and since I wasn't in possession of a pogo stick or a jetpack, that was out of the question.

 

Come on! - I thought; and although I was technically not in a rush, I was subconsciously counting the seconds of my life wasted standing beside the white metal panel with the words, CLEEN ME, etched in three millimeter thick dust thereupon.

 

I checked if anyone was looking, then as carefully as I could, changed the erroneous second E into an A... and then I heard it.

 

It was a rumble.

 

It was a squeak.

 

It was an otherworldly gong.

 

There were exclamations and a couple of unenthusiastic screams.

 

Then as the volume of the rumbling-squeaking-gonging increased, a few choice phrases of a religious nature were intoned.

 

I wanted to get out to see what the commotion was, but as the rummager and the scooper were rooted to their respective spots (although no longer rummaging or scooping) and I was far too polite and British to ask them to move or, God forbid, shove either one of them out of the way, the events which transpired only became known to me at the time through their sounds and the occasional flash of white, green or purple light. To whit...

 

There was a flash of purple light.

 

(screams and ahh's)

 

The rumble became a roar.

 

White flashes accompanied by laser-ish sounds.

 

(more screams, of pain and fear, and anguished groans)

 

A gong and a few squeaks, a slightly prolonged flash of green light, followed by...

 

A whoosh.

 

Then silence, except for the rustling of leaves and a siren somewhere in the distance.

 

I looked to my left and right and the rummager and scooper were gone. I looked straight ahead and by some miracle, the white metal of the van was cleaner than it had probably ever been in its life. I tentatively sidled. I side-stepped. I cautiously moved to my left and peaked around the newly sparkling bonnet of the white van. I saw..

 

No one.

 

Not a soul.

 

Not a human one anyway.

 

There were abandoned vehicles, a dog with its own lead dragging behind it, a bicycle on its side with the pedals still spinning, but not a single person to be seen.

 

"Bugger," I said, then carried on to the train station and went home.

 

***

 

"A mass alien abduction?" I said to Bill over a pint of Mild that evening.

 

"The testing of a new top secret weapon?" he suggested.

 

"Well I dunno," I said. "I was behind a white van at the time."