1.
Some people think there is no atmosphere on the moon. There is no air, therefore there can be no wind. I beg to differ.
It's a bit draughty on the moon.
"Close the door!" I will say. "Do you live in a barn?"
To which Mordekai will reply, "No, I live in a dome."
Oh how we laugh.
2.
Neil Armstrong is a bit of a hero. The way he went to the trouble of faking the film footage, then agreed that the Moon People could make a clone of him to go back to Earth and tell them it was just an airless ball of dust and rock. Of course the other chap had to be vaporised, but you've got to make sacrifices.
"Was it worth it?" he had been asked.
"The Moon People want their privacy," he had replied. "How could I not respect that? (And the promise of immortality was a bonus.)"
And whenever he is asked if he has any regrets, he will say, "It's a bit draughty on the moon."
3.
We have tried sealing the doors and windows with all manner of things. Wax, Blu Tac, chewing gum, soggy bread. It makes opening and closing them a bit of a hassle, but anything to get rid of the draught. Except it doesn't work.
Mordekai: Like, I'm getting chillblains here, dude!
Me: Sorry, man, I don't know what else to try.
Mordekai: What does Neil Armstrong think?
Me: He's too busy entertaining the lady Moon People to give an opinion.
Mordekai: Typical ex-astronaut-turned-lunar-icon.
4.
Neil Armstrong: Yes!... Ooh... There... Left a bit... No, up a bit... That's it... Easy on the paperclip...
Enter Captain Wiglee of the Moon People, who appears a little agitated.
Cpt Wiglee: Houston, we have a problem.
('Houston' is Neil Armstrong's nickname)
Neil Armstrong: What is it, Wiglee? Can't you see I'm busy?
Cpt Wiglee: Sorry, Houston, but there's something on the radar.
Neil Armstrong: Blast it out of the sky.
Cpt Wiglee: It appears to be human.
Neil Armstrong shrugs. I know this and the preceding conversation, because I have been standing by the door waiting to get a word in.
"Excuse me, Neil," I say, "but I was wondering if you c-"
"Not now, Rarsp," says Neil.
"But the draught-"
"I know it's a bit draughty on the moon, Rarsp. It's always been a bit draughty on the moon. But what do you expect me to do about it?"
"You came here in a space rocket."
"I didn't build the freakin' space rocket!"
"I know, I just thought-"
"I don't mean to interrupt," interrupts Captain Wiglee, "but it is rather big."
"What is?" says Neil Armstrong.
"The thing on the radar."
Not being one to get in the way of a lunar crisis, I slope off and play some videogames with Mordekai.
5.
It's a bit draughty on the moon. It's even more draughty when people have left their doors open to rush out and see the enormous spaceship.
"Humans!" says one of the Moon People.
"How do you know?" says another.
Another one points at a sign on the side of the spaceship that says, BIG HUMAN SPACESHIP.
"Why wasn't it blasted out of the sky?"
"Because the bits would have rained down upon us and made holes in our domes."
"Aah."
The BIG HUMAN SPACESHIP lands and human people file down the ramp wearing boiler suits and carrying clipboards. One of them looks up from his clipboard and says, "Mordekai and Rarsp?"
I put my hand up and nudge Mordekai's elbow so he puts his up too.
"Hey, dude!" says Mordekai.
"S'okay, man," I say.
The human person walks up to us and says, "Draught problem?"
I lead him towards our dome, Mordekai mouthing and gesturing to me all the way.
6.
Proudly clutching our new snake draught excluders (mine has the head of a cat, Mordekai's a frog), we stand outside the door to our dome and wave goodbye to the human person in the boiler suit with the clipboard. Neil Armstrong leaps out from behind a corner and vaporises him.
"Dude!" says Mordekai.
"Waddya do that for?" say I.
"Human!" says Neil Armstrong.
"He was delivering draught excluders!" say I.
"Oh," says Neil Armstrong. "But he might have been the vanguard of a lunar invasion!"
"He was delivering draught excluders!" say I.
"Oh," says Neil Armstrong.
We all stand round and look at the pile of ash before us.
"Vaporise the others," say I.
"Rightey-ho," says Neil Armstrong. And off he goes.
7.
Mordekai and I play videogames.
"Didn't you tell anyone they were coming?" says Mordekai.
"Forgot," say I.
"Nice move, dude," says Mordekai.
I shrug.
"Your turn, man," say I.
Mordekai picks up his controller.
"Those new draught excluders are sick!" says Mordekai.
"What does that mean?" say I.
"Dunno," says Mordekai.
We are the Moon People.
It's a bit draughty on the moon.
But not in our dome anymore.
Sweet!
[ fin ]
