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StoryPlease, leave the light on. ( The reply) jolono229 years 9 months ago

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202 of my comments have received 219 Great Feedback votes

1 Vote

Welcome Aravind.  Good story!

Posted on Tue, 27 Jan 2015

Welcome Aravind.  Good story!

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Posted in THE INTELLIGENT PIGEON

1 Vote

Aargh!  the conflicting

Posted on Mon, 26 Jan 2015

Aargh!  the conflicting advice is so frustrating, I'd have added in the 'don't let her/him sleep on their front/ won't sleep on their back' battle.

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Posted in Breast is Best

1 Vote

A typo:

Posted on Thu, 08 Jan 2015

Typo:

As I dove (dived) onto the bed I looked for her anus

 

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Posted in The Erection

1 Vote

I would recommend that the

Posted on Sun, 04 Jan 2015

I would recommend that the comma in the first line and the full stop at the end should go, as should the hyphen in the ninth line.  A change of the enjambment there, in the ninth line, giving 'body of many parts' its own seperate line...

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Posted in The City Lives

1 Vote

Very frustrating

Posted on Fri, 19 Dec 2014

Personally I'd delete the very last line.  Subjective opinion of course.  Untold numbers feel like this.

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Posted in An Idiot in the class

1 Vote

This is really good kilb.

Posted on Tue, 16 Dec 2014

So good this.  Maybe a tiny dip towards the last bit.  I'm all for lightness and brevity but maybe a few words extra to oil the changes (After he’d washed his hands Dougie-boy muttered: “See you later” and left.). 

This is me...

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Posted in The Devil's Dish Served Six Different Ways (chapters 5 & 6)

1 Vote

Wow.

Posted on Thu, 11 Dec 2014

Klep (tomaniac?) seems tormented and driven.  I hope that these monsters that he's creating are ultimately found to possess enduring goodness despite such horrific physiological and spiritual alchemy that he has imposed.  Then again I'm...

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Posted in Shadow Cooking

1 Vote

A story dominated by the

Posted on Wed, 10 Dec 2014

A story dominated by the centrality of the male ego.  Perhaps attempt one that doesn't subscribe to chronic gender stereotyping?

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Posted in the marriage

1 Vote

Smooth and, as far as I can

Posted on Tue, 09 Dec 2014

Smooth and as far as I can see flawlessly written.  Is this the start of something longer?  There are four characters already, discounting Hamzas' line manager and that suggests this is going to run.

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Posted in The Devil's Dish Served Six Different Ways (chapters 1 & 2)

1 Vote

What was the cause of his

Posted on Sun, 07 Dec 2014

What was the cause of his egocentricity and anger?

 

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Posted in How to control temper

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