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2003 of my comments have received 2051 Great Feedback votes

1 Vote

right, you have a fantastic

Posted on Mon, 30 Jun 2014

right, you have a fantastic ending with this Denzella, and your plot is really developing nicely. Again, you need to work a bit on the dialogue (sorry to go on about it!). Too much with nothing to break it up makes it lose authenticity

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Posted in The Labour Planet - A Working Title - Part Ten - 1177 Words - Updated

1 Vote

this needs a bit of work - it

Posted on Mon, 30 Jun 2014

this needs a bit of work - it rambles a little - definitely worth an edit though - fantastic piece of writing!

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Posted in Upon My Arrival

1 Vote

well, this is very nicely

Posted on Tue, 17 Jun 2014

well, this is very nicely done - compelling narrative, strong plot, no waffle - I look forward to the next part!

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Posted in The Man Who Couldn't Stay Dead. (Part 3)

1 Vote

I really like the repetition

Posted on Sun, 15 Jun 2014

I really like the repetition in this piece

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Posted in Look Out

1 Vote

‘I’ve got a few day,’  - just

Posted on Sat, 14 Jun 2014

‘I’ve got a few day,’  - just that one typo, which should be forgiven really, considering how wonderful all the rest is - thank you so much for part two! - now come back to England again soon for one of the readings. I will make the sandwiches...

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Posted in Unbounders Away 2

1 Vote

I haven't read/seen crashed,

Posted on Sat, 03 May 2014

I haven't read/seen crashed, but I enjoyed this piece very much. If I had one small suggestion, it might be that perhaps it needs a little narrative linking the passages together - maybe some more clues for the reader? I hope that helps - do post...

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Posted in Falling

1 Vote

Very much enjoyed this!

Posted on Sun, 27 Apr 2014

Very much enjoyed this!

Two small typos:

"Uncle Gunder, a renown physicist"

 

"Sunday’s just got more interesting. "  (unless of course you actually mean only that one Sunday)

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Posted in The Broheim Men

1 Vote

this is looking better too!

Posted on Mon, 31 Mar 2014

this is looking better too! One more tip (and it's something I always do): in the dialogue, once I've written it, I always go back and make sure I've abbreviated things in the way one would if one were talking - I've, it's etc etc. It makes...

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Posted in The Labour Planet - A Working Title - Part Three

1 Vote

ha - made me laugh! I always

Posted on Sat, 05 Apr 2014

ha - made me laugh! I always wonder where you get your plots from...

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Posted in Larry and Mick Get Frozen

1 Vote

The dialogue in this part is

Posted on Thu, 03 Apr 2014

The dialogue in this part is much better! The only bit I found slightly hard to believe was here:

 

“Yes, it is not looking good but if there is one  thing we can take from this it is that we seem to be heading for a planet that can...

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Posted in The Labour Planet A Working Title Part Four 1118 words

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