In A Suffolk Ditch

Laurence Fanborn died. A lorry knocked him off his Boardman bike and into a ditch, killing him instantly. The bike, his pride and joy, was equally squashed and squished beyond repair. 

While his body lay in the ditch, his crumpled bike beside him, Laurence saw a figure in front of him cloaked in black, carrying a scythe, inside the cloak Laurence could just make out a skeletal figure, which approached him, seemingly without moving.

"Are you here for me or for the bike?" He said. 

FOR YOU. I CARE NOTHING FOR YOUR MORTAL BRIC A BRAC.

Bric a brac, that's a Boardman bike, cost me a couple of grand.

I AM NOT HERE FOR A BROKEN BOARDMAN I AM HERE FOR YOU. 

What does that entail exactly?

ALTHOUGH YOU ARE DEAD YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO LEAVE THE MORTAL REALM UNTIL I SLICE THROUGH YOUR LIFELINE. Death gestured to the thin blue line shining inside Laurence's newly-dead corpse.

"The indignity of all things, to die in a ditch in Norfolk."

"SUFFOLK."

"This is Norfolk. I always take a route that avoids Suffolk, I mean you know what Suffolk people are like and you see them at their best - when they're dead. The living ones are a right pain in the arse I can tell you."

"NEVERTHELESS YOU ARE IN SUFFOLK."

But I took the route that keeps me on the Norfolk side of the border. I've been using it for years, 'Suffolk, I never set foot in the place', it's what I always say."

"THE LORRY WHICH KILLED YOU ALSO KNOCKED YOU OVER THE BORDER INTO SUFFOLK. With his long, bony index finger Death drew a line in the ditch an inch from his body THIS IS THE BOUNDARY LINE."

"Bloody hell, and I was pissed off with the driver just for killing me."

"I can't die in a ditch in Suffolk. Not when I'm so close to the border, I've always been a Norfolk man, what'll people say."

"I SHOULD REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE DEAD, YOU ARE NOT IN A POSITION TO MOVE. OR TO WORRY WHAT PEOPLE SAY."

"But it's only an inch to the border. Couldn't you give me a nudge."

I AM DEATH, THE LEAD HORSEMAN OF THE APOCOLYPSE, THE SYMBOL OF MANKIND'S MORTALITY, IT IS MY ETERNAL ROLE TO FREE MORTAL SOULS FROM THEIR BODIES, I AM NOT SOME DEATH-DONKEY SUMMONED TO CARRY CORPSES ACROSS HUMAN-DRAWN BORDERS.

"But you're the only one here. Just a foot and I die in my home county. Once you cut my lifeline that's it. Isn't there anything you can do?"

"VERY WELL, I SHALL SUMMON THE HOUNDS OF DEATH."

"The Hounds of Death. That's more like it. I don't think I know about the Hounds of Death. What'll they do?"

"LIKE ME THEY BRIDGE THE MORTAL AND IMMORTAL REALMS. THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO TOUCH MORTAL OBJECTS, THEY CAN MOVE YOUR BODY. I SHOULD WARN YOU HOWEVER< IT WILL BE A BIT MESSY. THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN MOVE YOUR BODY IS BY BITING INTO IT AND DRAGGING IT."

"I'm dead, what do I care. Just get me out of Suffolk, that's all I ask."

"SO BE IT."

And with a gesture that some of you will recognise Death summoned up the Hounds of Death.

"Are you serious? The Hounds of Death? Six sausage dogs?"

"I LIKE SAUSAGE DOGS."

The sausage dogs in question were six skeletal sausage-dog forms, dressed in natty black robes, rather than the ghastly tartan covers that so frequently adorn their mortal equivalents. Death gave the order and the six Hounds of Death obediently set to moving the body. As Death had predicted it was a messy process, the only way the hounds could move the body was by grabbing onto Laurence Fanborne's flesh, which meant lots of blood, ripped clothing, decimated shoes. It was muddy, bloody and messy, but at least, because there is no time in Death's realm, it was quick.

"So I'm back in Norfolk?" said Laurence, looking down on his mangled corpse.

"YES."

"In which case Death will you do me the honour of slicing through my lifeline and freeing me from this mortal realm."

"I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK."

And so saying, Death raised his scythe and brought it down through the thin, blue life-life glowing in Laurence Fanborne's body, and Laurence Fanborne was gone forever.

However, although Death knew the exact location of the borderline, this knowledge was not universal, hence the headline in the regional press announcing Fanborne's death. 

Mystery Death - Norfolk man hit by lorry and savaged by sausage dogs found dead in Suffolk ditch.