The Undertakers
Stories featuring the characters of Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble
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- 1780 reads
A Dubious Undertaking
An awkward conversation between and undertaker and his hapless assistant
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- 10 comments
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- 3382 reads
Last Rights - Part 1
The undertakers are back and Archibald has an encounter with the constabulary
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- 916 reads
Last Rights - Part 2
The undertakers again - in which Archibald explains his predicament
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- 630 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 16
In which a number of parties set out for a road trip, with varying degrees of success.
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- 664 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 17
In which Josiah and Archibald finally meet their client. Possibly.
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- 75506 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 18
In which Lawrence falters, Chantelle tries to judge between the quick and the dead, and Josiah learns something to his disadvantage.
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- 1062 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 19
In which something doesn't quite fit and a solution presents itself.
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- 1313 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 20
In which people are lost, and found, and questions are raised.
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- 973 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 21
In which suspicions are raised and observations made.
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- 2 comments
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- 1689 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 22
In which some people leave, and have a story to tell, whilst others arrive with their story untold
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- 686 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 23
In which misunderstanding reigns supreme and frustrations are keenly felt.
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- 655 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 24
In which remains are not allowed to remain and suspicions are followed.
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- 931 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 25
In which the tired are rejuvenated and seeing is not hearing
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- 653 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 26
In which Lawrence is hopeful, and Amber is surprised.
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- 852 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 27
In which Lawrence is amused, and Amber is not.
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- 1415 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 28 (revised)
In which our weary travellers gain some respite, discuss ducks and steel and feel queasy about jam.
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- 755 reads
For Those In Peril On The Sea
Some of the following story was told to me as a true account over the weekend. As soon as I heard it, I thought that this was a natural story for my two hapless undertakers. Hope you enjoy it!
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- 814 reads
I See A Friday And I Want To Paint It Black!
There's a certain strain of advertising that I seem to see quite a lot of, at the moment, and it irritates me immensely. I thought that Josiah and Archibald might have some views on it, too!
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- 809 reads
It's All In The Game - Part 1
Josiah is preparing for the Company Christmas Party whilst Archibald has a musical question...
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- 6506 reads
It's All In The Game - Part 2
In which Josiah seeks modernisation and Archibald bursts into rhyme!
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- 6211 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 29 (revised)
It's not exactly a snappy title, is it? I've been stuck on this story for months and months but I think I've finally seen a route through! Apologies to anyone who has been following the series as you've probably forgotten the plot by now (and I wouldn't blame you). Any road (as Archibald would say) normal service will now be resumed... So this is Part 29, with some revisions, in which there are comings and goings, zombies and villains and, possibly, puddings!
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- 580 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 30
In which Lawrence gets an unexpected prod and D.I. Wood finds himself incommunicado.
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- 6678 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 31
In which Chantelle shocks Josiah and Josiah mourns lost love.
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- 5699 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 32
In which Frankie wrestles with a philosophical conundrum and Lawrence, Amber and Frankie have their journey unexpectedly truncated, in more ways than one!
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- 3871 reads
Bring Out Your Dead - Part 33
In which Archibald wakes from his rest, and Frankie doesn't!
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- 679 reads
"Will ye no come back again...?"
This story was conceived the other day, when I drove through my old home town of Burton upon Trent and noticed that this had actually happened at a well-known funeral director's. I couldn't believe my eyes and I wondered what Archibald and Josiah might have to say about it...
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- 1436 reads
An Ill Wind
Given everything that is going on at the moment, it was sort of inevitable that my undertakers would become involved at some point!
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- 1314 reads
From a distance...
I know this is a tricky subject about which to be even vaguely humorous but I felt that my Undertakers couldn't fail to comment during the current unpleasantness. Hope you'll bear with me. Keep safe, everyone!
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- 1364 reads
Lest we forget...what was it?
I suppose even undertakers celebrated V.E. Day, so I thought we might check in on Josiah and Archibald.
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- 477 reads
Bursting the Bubble
It's a busy time at Oakshott and Underwood, for all of the wrong reasons (although, to be honest, there are very few right ones!) and Josiah Oakshott is 'burning the midnight oil'...
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- 986 reads
The Song Has Gone, But The Memory Lingers On!
Archibald is researching and reminiscing, Josiah is not too sure he wants him to do either!
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- 671 reads
We Shall Not Pass This Way Again
Josiah and Archibald are having to share a car, along with some insights!
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- 1113 reads
Take Off That Gloomy Mask of Tragedy!
In which Archibald finds adhering to the government's strictures dangerous, and exhausting
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- 1770 reads
Some Are Born Great...
Josiah and Archibald consider leadership qualities.
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- 2561 reads
Grave Expectations - Part 1
In which Josiah has an unpleasant task to perform and Archibald finds himself in trouble!
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- 1519 reads
Grave Expectations - Part 2
In which Archibald faces ruin and Josiah has an epiphany
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- 1198 reads
Never Say Die!
Josiah and Archibald discuss a burning desire
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- 1047 reads
Up-Helly-Aaagh!
Josiah and Archibald reflect on the law of unintended consequences.
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- 537 reads
Through A Glass, Darkly
Archibald discovers it's difficult to find his way in life and Josiah considers their future.
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- 649 reads
Measure for Measure?
In which Archibald discovers that size does matter and Josiah tries to explain the facts of life.
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- 2 comments
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- 1000 reads
All's Well That Ends, Well...?
In which Josiah's plans come to fruition and Archibald's come crashing down!
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- 706 reads
Lamenting the lock-up
Josiah and Archibald consider the possibility of further Covid restrictions, with mixed results.
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- 843 reads
Testing Times
In which Josiah prepares for the worst and Archibald tests his patience.
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- 719 reads
Tiers for Souvenirs
In which Archibald is concerned and Josiah, confused.
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- 1202 reads
A fly on the wall...and in the ointment!
Josiah seethes and Archibald ruminates
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- 390 reads
The Ghost of Christmas Present(s)
I couldn't let Christmas pass without a Josiah and Archibald story. In this one,they both give and receive
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- 466 reads
The Auntie Vera Factor
In which Josiah tests his wits and Archibald tests his patience.
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- 515 reads
A Big Stick and a Little Prick
In which size is important to Archibald and Josiah wrestles with reality.
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- 4 comments
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- 653 reads
A Sign of the Times
In which Josiah sees a sign, and Archibald wishes he hadn't! This story was inspired by an allegedly real photograph of precisely this sign being displayed in a Funeral Director's window, which gives me hope that Josiah and Archibald really are out there, somewhere :-)
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- 406 reads
The Thin Black Line
In which Josiah might be liable and Archibald might have to bounce
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- 4 comments
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- 867 reads
The Ice-Cream Man Cometh
Archibald tries his hand at marketing, again, and Josiah takes a stand!
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- 651 reads
A Candle and the Wind
In which Josiah and Archibald debate the merits (or otherwise) of complementary therapies.
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- 483 reads
Banging the Bongos at Blackpool!
In which Archibald frets and Josiah bangs a drum! Photo by Tom Waites, 2013
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- 381 reads
Smoke on the Water!
In which Josiah fumes and Archibald rocks!
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- 556 reads
Par-um-pah-pum-pum!
In which Josiah comes bearing gifts and Archibald turns to drink.
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- 782 reads
"You've got to fight, for the right, to..."
Archibald nurses his injuries, whilst Josiah considers the state of the party
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- 621 reads
For Fear of Little Men
I've struggled to write anything remotely humorous, with everything that's been going on recently, but I felt I needed to break out of my self-imposed purdah and who better to do it with than Josiah and Archibald?
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- 4 comments
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- 603 reads
"Is There Anybody There...?"
Archibald sends a message and Josiah despairs
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- 4 comments
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- 535 reads
A Matter of Opinion
In which Archibald makes a suggestion and Josiah surveys all before him
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- 410 reads
A Question, Of Sorts
Archibald drives home a point and Josiah misses his turn
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- 537 reads
I Want My Mummy!
Josiah gives up but Archibald fancies having a go!
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- 4 comments
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- 432 reads
No, Ho, Ho!
In which Archibald asks for a favour and Josiah feels no goodwill to the season.
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- 2 comments
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- 502 reads
Making Plans...for Archibald (Part 1)
In which Archibald answers the call and Josiah does not make plans
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- 9 comments
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- 912 reads
Making Plans...for Archibald (Part 2)
In which Josiah schemes and Archibald crashes.
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- 289 reads
The Frog and Crumpet
In which Archibald feels the cold and Josiah takes a grave view.
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- 563 reads
Drumming Up The Christmas Trade!
In which Archibald drums up trade whilst Josiah wrestles with a quandary!
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- 6 comments
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- 585 reads
A Subsequent Engagement?
In which Josiah poses a question, Archibald answers it and Samantha is puzzled.
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- 8 comments
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- 738 reads
The Trouble with Horace Dimchurch
The third in the festive season trilogy of Undertakers stories, in which Archibald takes charge and Josiah discovers the downside of delegation.
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- 492 reads
The Fall and Rise of...Archibald Thurble?
The fourth part of the trilogy (yes, yes, I know...just go with it!) in which Horace makes an exit and Archibald watches developments.
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- 336 reads
Educating Archie?
Well, it had to be, didn't it? In this episode, Archibald tries to wriggle out but Samantha pins him down!
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- 487 reads
"It is better to have loved, and lost...and lost..."?
" It is better to have loved and lost.. ." but is it?
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- 2 comments
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- 305 reads
Board Stiff! (The Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 1)
In which Josiah waits and Archibald agitates!
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- 672 reads
Keep on Truckin' (The Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 2)
Josiah boards, Archibald trundles and the police take an interest.
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- 4 comments
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- 392 reads
Death and Taxis! (The Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 3)
In which Archibald returns to consciousness and Josiah says something he shouldn't!
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- 4 comments
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- 351 reads
Non, je ne regrette rien! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 4)
In which Archibald revels in foreign parts and Josiah makes a stand!
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- 4 comments
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- 379 reads
Stiffed! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 5)
In which Josiah feels frustrated and Archibald gets the cold shoulder.
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- 4 comments
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- 1009 reads
Churros, chickens and choices (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 6)
In which Amber sulks, Josiah declines an offer and D.S. Stone has his day ruined.
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- 10 comments
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- 1194 reads
Better to travel hopefully...? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 7)
In which Archibald has his dream crushed and Amber has a nightmare!
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- 2 comments
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- 353 reads
"Oh!" (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 8)
In which both Amber and Archibald have a surprise, for very different reasons.
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- 4 comments
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- 345 reads
"Not lost, but..." (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 9)
In which both the Undertakers and the Detectives lose something, Lawrence thinks he's found something, and Amber makes a shocking discovery!
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- 380 reads
Threats and Promises? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 10)
In which Josiah and Archibald are at cross purposes and D.S. Stone is just cross!
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- 2 comments
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- 266 reads
"The best laid plans..." (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 11)
In which plans are made and disrupted, but not necessarily in that order!
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- 4 comments
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- 301 reads
Morning Has Broken (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 12)
A new day brings new problems for the officers of law enforcement and our erstwhile holidaymakers.
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- 305 reads
Driven to Distraction (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 13)
In which Josiah drives and Archibald sulks.
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- 2 comments
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- 348 reads
On The Road, Again! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 14)
In which the Detectives and Mr. & Mrs. Hamble head off down the coast, but not together!
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- 4 comments
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- 357 reads
Lying in State? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 15)
In which Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle pay their respects and get a surprise, for very different reasons.
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- 2 comments
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- 259 reads
Keeping A Lid On It (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 16)
In which Lawrence quivers, and so does Chantelle, with remarkably different results!
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- 4 comments
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- 406 reads
The Ferry Godmother? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 17)
In which Josiah confronts a dilemma, Chantelle offers a solution and the Detectives make a dramatic entrance.
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- 8 comments
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- 1177 reads
Ocean Drive (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 19)
In which Archibald and Chantelle take to the road, D.I. Wood does likewise, but somewhat removed, and Lawrence doesn't take to it at all!
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- 6 comments
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- 947 reads
Pack Up! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 20)
In which Chantelle, D.I. Wood and D.S. Stone all search for something, with similar results!
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- 625 reads
Summer Holiday? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 21)
In which Josiah and Chantelle find a mutually beneficial arrangement and the Detectives get all their eggs in one basket!
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- 590 reads
Reach Out, I'll Be There! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 22)
In which Amber and Lawrence finally get to start their holiday, whilst Josiah, Archibald, Chantelle and the Detectives have got themselves a convoy!
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- 745 reads
White Lines? (Don't Do It) (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 23)
In which Amber takes a stand, Lawrence takes steps and Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle 'take a powder'
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- 4 comments
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- 716 reads
Toast! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 24)
In which Josiah, Chantelle, D.S. Stone and Frankie all answer a 'call of nature', in rather different circumstances and with mixed results, whilst Archibald tries to get to grips with Spanish cuisine, and loses!
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- 6 comments
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- 1053 reads
Zombie! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 25)
In which all Frankie wants is a nice lie down whilst everyone else seems to be obsessed with comparing bladder sizes!
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- 6 comments
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- 825 reads
Hitchin' A Ride (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 26)
In which the Detectives feel disconnected and Chantelle shocks Josiah with her revelations.
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- 2 comments
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- 607 reads
Under Pressure (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 27)
In which Lawrence and Amber find themselves in a tight spot and Frankie is left feeling a little flat!
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- 546 reads
Can't Get Used To Losing You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 28)
In which Archibald recounts his disquieting dream to Josiah and Chantelle and Lawrence takes charge of their situation.
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- 4 comments
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- 576 reads
Ain't Nobody (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 29)
Our weary travellers are nearing the end of their journey and whilst some are finding ways to pass the time, others are viewing the approaching terminus with mixed feelings!
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- 4 comments
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- 730 reads
Parklife (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 30)
In which our convoy arrives and problems abound!
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- 2 comments
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- 649 reads
Missing You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 31)
In which Archibald makes a shocking discovery and Amber tries out her womanly wiles.
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- 4 comments
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- 746 reads
Body Talk (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 32)
In which Archibald and Amber find they can help each other out, but questions are asked.
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- 524 reads
Lying Eyes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 33)
Amber and Archibald might have restored the body to the coffin but there are still questions to be answered!
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- 2 comments
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- 612 reads
Sailing (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 34)
Finally, on the ferry and time for rest and relaxation...for some, anyway!
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- 4 comments
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- 843 reads
Passengers (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 35)
Not everyone on the ferry knows what they are doing, or where they are for that matter!
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- 492 reads
O Sole Mio (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 36)
The detectives find something fishy and Chantelle and Frankie slip the net.
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- 2 comments
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- 969 reads
Wade in the Water (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 37)
In which Frankie disturbs Chantelle, in more ways than one, and Archibald seeks a fresh start.
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- 794 reads
I Hear You Knocking (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 38)
In which Archibald knocks on a few doors and leaves fear and trepidation in his wake!
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- 2 comments
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- 514 reads
Is She Really Going Out With Him? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 39)
In which the Detectives think they're getting closer to their man and Josiah thinks the same about Chantelle!
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- 2 comments
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- 687 reads
Storm in a Teacup (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 40)
In which Chantelle comes to a decison, Frankie remembers his pills, Archibald sulks and Josiah fears for the future!
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- 2 comments
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- 499 reads
Can't Take My Eyes Off You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 41)
In which Chantelle gets Frankie ready to 'return to sender' and Detectives Stone and Wood find watching nothing happening, repeatedly, a bit tedious.
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- 597 reads
I'm Still Waiting (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 42)
Not everyone finds waiting patiently all that easy, particularly not Frankie Knight!
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- 379 reads
I Can't Explain (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 43)
Chantelle finds her companion boring but then discovers excitement, in the form of Frankie Knight, can be pretty overrated too!
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- 4 comments
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- 585 reads
I Can't Stand The Rain (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 44)
Chantelle no sooner gets one problem safely stowed, when another one crops up. Samantha, meanwhile, is battling the elements, belligerent port staff and her own employees.
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- 4 comments
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- 554 reads
Homeward Bound (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 45)
In which the detectives are at odds, Archibald is protecting his honour (as is Josiah) and Samantha gets some good news, at last!
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- 4 comments
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- 689 reads
Harbour Lights (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 46)
Why does everything get more complicated, the closer you get to home? That is a question that Archibald and D.I. Wood could definitely agree on!
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- 483 reads
Pandora's Box (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 47)
Just because a journey is over, that doesn't mean that everything is sorted out, as both Samantha and the Detectives find out!
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- 439 reads
Burning Love (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 48)
In which Josiah and Chantelle kick their heels, Samantha loses her cool (as will Frankie, shortly, apparently!) and the Detectives prise themselves into their pursuit vehicle.
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- 474 reads
Pick Up The Pieces (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 49)
The Undertakers are 'under starter's orders', as are the Detectives. With everyone in their respective vehicles, we should be off and running now, shouldn't we?
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- 502 reads
Look Through Any Window (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 50)
It's always the same, when you're hoping for a fast and trouble-free getaway, someone or something comes along to spoil it, and Josiah & Co. are no exception!
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- 434 reads
Body and Soul (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 51)
In which Archibald complains about his future, and Chantelle worries that Frankie might not have one!
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- 521 reads
Ashes to Ashes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 52)
We're at the gates of the crematorium and time is definitely running out for Frankie, but there's a shock in store for Samantha, too!
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- 645 reads
Frankie! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 53)
It's only taken 53 episodes but here we are, finally, at the funeral of 'Sir Lewisham'. Now, what could possibly go wrong?
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- 694 reads
So The Story Goes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 54)
After the tumultuous events of last Friday, Josiah and Archibald start a fresh week back in the old routine, but nothing is quite the same!
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- 666 reads
Don't Leave Me This Way ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 1)
In which a surprise takes Josiah's mind off his troubles, but adds them to Archibald's considerations!
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- 638 reads
Doctor, Doctor ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 2)
In which Josah's spell as a patient is testing Archibald's patience!
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- 557 reads
I Shot the Sheriff ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 3)
Detective Inspector Wood has a 'war wound' in need of attention whilst D.S. Stone has spotted someone 'known to the police'.
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- 699 reads
Footloose ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 4)
In which D.I. Wood dislikes the health advice he has received and Archibald muses on mice and...elephants!
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- 558 reads
Driving in My Car ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 5)
After a brief hiatus (for us, not them) Josiah and Archibald are now on their way to Evanley Hall with the promise of a prestigious client luring them on.
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- 142 reads
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