Missing You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 31)

Continued from Episode 30 - 'Parklife'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Now at the port of Santander, Josiah and Chantelle have gone off to make arrangements for embarkation, as have D.I. Wood and Lawrence, leaving D.S. Stone (currently sleeping), Archibald and Amber.  What could possibly go wrong?

 

Archibald Thurble stared happily at the sea stretching out before him.  Here he was, alone, for the first time for ages, with the sun on his face and a warm breeze ruffling through his hair.  It was just…lovely, he thought.  If you could throw in a bit of a paddle, it would be ideal, but he had given up all hope of that.  Left to his own devices, Archibald would have been quite content to stand here all day, in the warmth, listening to the sea lapping the docks, the seagulls calling above and thinking about absolutely nothing!

His former fiancée, Electra, had often asked him, when he was standing somewhere, gazing into the middle distance, what he was thinking about and used to get quite cross when he said, quite truthfully, ‘Nothing!’  Mind you, on reflection, she used to get quite cross about a lot of things relating to Archibald, which probably went some way to explaining why she was a ‘former’ fiancée.

Archibald gave a sigh as he recalled that he was, actually, supposed to be doing something during this brief moment of solitude.  The fact that it seemed utterly daft to him, didn’t change the promise that he had made to Miss Lace to check on the occupant of the coffin in the back of the van.  He turned, reluctantly, from his sea view and trudged back to open the van doors.

Checking all around, to make sure that no-one was about, who might be disturbed at the sight of an open coffin, he gripped the lid and pulled.  ‘You wouldn’t be able to do this on a coffin back home!’ He thought to himself, with some national pride, as the lid came off easily in his hands.  He peered into the interior.

There was nothing there.

He quickly slid the lid back into place and gulped.  He took a few deep breaths, counted to ten, closed his eyes and gingerly removed the lid, again.  He risked opening one eye and stared into the coffin.  It was still empty!  Opening both eyes, he started to pat around the interior padding, as if the body could have somehow slipped beneath the material.  Panic-stricken, he checked either side of the coffin, looked underneath the lid, even lifted the coffin up, as if he might have missed the fact that it was resting on a corpse.  Now at his wit’s end, he dropped to his knees, and peered under the van, in the vain hope that, however unlikely, it might have dropped down there.

He was in this position, staring intently at the rear axle, when he heard a noise behind him.

“Ahem” It said.

Archibald attempted to leap to his feet but realised, a little too late, that he was currently half under the van and cracked his head, sharply, on the rear bumper.

“Oh sh…!”  He began, before noticing a woman standing behind him.

“Sorry, if I startled you!”  Amber said, brightly. 

“No, it’s alright miss.  I was just checking the erm, thing.” Archibald reassured, clutching his head, and then noticed who it was, “Oh, it’s you!”

“I saw the van, when we came into the park, and thought, I know who that is” Amber smiled, “on your own?”  She looked either side of the van.

“No!” Archibald replied, automatically, “Well, yes, at the moment, they’ve gone to sort stuff out”

“Yes, I’ve sent Lawrence off for the same reason”

“Lawrence?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“My husband” Amber explained.

“Oh, right!  Well, we’ll be going soon, so we won’t be bothering you no more” Archibald said, defensively.

“Oh no, that wasn’t why I came over” Amber shook her head, “I just thought I ought to come and say ‘hello’”

“Hello?” Archibald looked astonished.

“Yes, so, hello!”  Amber grinned.

“How Do” Archibald nodded, guardedly.

“Is that a coffin I see over there?”

Archibald turned around, sharply, as if this was news to him, and realised that the lid was propped by the side of the van, leaving the empty coffin wide open.

“Erm, yeah” Archibald dived into the van and slammed the lid back with a thud, partially throwing himself over the top of it in the process.

“Only, I just wondered, and I know this is going to sound a bit silly…”

“Oh yeah?” Archibald said, suspiciously, as he slid back off the casket, and attempted to hide it behind him.

“Yes, I just wondered if I could, perhaps, have a peek inside?”

“A peek inside!”  Archibald looked at her, aghast, “Why does everyone want to look inside coffins, today?”  He asked, with some exasperation.

“Everyone?”  Amber looked surprised.

“Well, no, not everyone, of course” Archibald retrieved a handkerchief and mopped his fevered brow, the pleasant morning sun of a few moments ago was proving to be a bit of a nuisance now that he was under some duress.

“So, can I?”  Amber made an attempt at fluttering her eyelashes.

“No, ‘course not!” Archibald shook his head, vigorously, “Mr. O. would go nuts if he found me doing stuff like that!”

“But, he’s not here, is he?  Who would be any the wiser?”

“Well, me for a start!” Archibald was getting steadily warmer and more flustered.

“Yes, but, surely you could make an exception for little old me?” Amber took a couple of steps forward and walked her fingers up Archibald’s black tie.

Archibald put a finger behind his collar and attempted to release some of the heat building up inside his shirt.  He had to admit, although she was more than a bit sharp-tongued, she was still an attractive woman.  Why did he keep attracting women he wasn’t interested in, and putting off the one’s he was?  It was a conundrum and no mistake!

“Look, I can’t, all right?”  He said, firmly, and then, seeing her face fall, “any road, there wouldn’t be no point”

“Really, why not?”

“I can’t tell you” Archibald looked dejected.

“Of course you can” Amber reassured, “I can keep a secret”

“All right, but you’ve got to promise not to say nowt to nobody”

“Cross my heart!” Amber made a cross sign, encompassing most of her ample chest, and ignored the plethora of negatives in the sentence.

“There’s nobody in there” Archibald whispered.

“Nobody?”

“Shhh!” Archibald looked in all directions, panic overwhelming him.

“Why are you carrying an empty coffin about the country?”  Amber whispered.

“We’re not!  Well, we weren’t” Archibald looked utterly miserable, “Mr. O’s gonna do his fruit when he finds out”

“When did you last see the erm” Amber nodded toward the coffin, “the body?”

“When we shut the coffin up, back at the funeral parlour.  You know, by that hotel?”

“Ah yes, the hotel” Amber shuddered at the memory, “and you haven’t seen it since?”

“Well, no.”  Archibald shook his head, “you don’t go checking on them every verse end, do you?  I mean, once they’re dead, they’re dead!”

“So, you need a body?” Amber suggested, carefully.

“Ha! Yeah, that would be great” Archibald snorted, “but I can’t see that happening before Mr. O. and Miss Lace get back, and then I’m for it”

“Erm, not necessarily” Amber raised an eyebrow.

“Eh?  What do you mean?”

“I just might have a solution” Amber grinned at her flustered companion, and winked.

Now read Part 32