Parklife (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 30)

Continued from Episode 29 - 'Ain't Nobody'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Now arriving at the port of Santander for their ferry, they are also accompanied by (unknown to them) by the two British detectives and Amber and Lawrence Hamble.  For all concerned, arrival at the port brings its own problems:

 

“We’re getting into the port complex now, Mr. O., what do you want me to do?”  Chantelle asked.

“I think the most sensible course of action would be to park the van in one of these car parks, outside of the complex itself.  We can then walk in and ascertain three important points”

“Three, Mr. O.?”  Chantelle raised a delicately shaped eyebrow.

“Indeed, Miss Lace.  Firstly, we need to determine where we need to drop off our erm, ‘cargo’, for onward transportation.  Secondly, we need to ascertain what documentation will require completion in order for the coffin to be transported to the U.K. and, finally, we need to find out where we need to drop this van for collection by the hire company.  For all of these matters, I will be in need of your linguistic and organisational capabilities, Miss Lace” Josiah smiled at her.

“Ah, you need me to go with you?” Chantelle looked a little worried.

“If you would be so good?”

“It was just…I’m a little tired after all that driving” Chantelle tried to explain.

“I do understand, and, in the normal way of things, I would not dream of prevailing upon your good nature in this manner.  However, I fear my limited grasp of the Spanish language and bureaucracy, would greatly inhibit our speedy transition through the boarding process”

“Yes, yes, I understand, it’s just…” Chantelle responded, weakly.

“And it was the premise on which we agreed that you could accompany us on this trip” Josiah pointed out.

“Of course, you’re absolutely right, Mr. O.”  Chantelle nodded, forced a smile and parked the van at the end of a row.

* * * *

 

“They’re parking up in that car park” D.S. Stone observed.

“I don’t know where the Force would be without you, Stoney, I really don’t!”  D.I. Wood yawned and stretched, “right, Sunny Jim, get us parked  up a row or two away but make sure we’ve got a clear view of that shower.  I want to know exactly what they’re up to”

After a few abortive attempts, D.S. Stone finally found a spot that was not too far away from the bright yellow van but also relatively inconspicuous.

“Will that do?”  He asked, pointedly.

“Yeah, it’ll do” D.I. Wood agreed, grudgingly. “So, I’ll go and see where we’ve got to drop off this heap of junk and see about getting some tickets.  You, stay here and keep your eyes peeled.  I want to know if they’ve so much as broken wind, all right?”

“You’re leaving me here?”  D.S. Stone looked aghast, “I’ve been driving all night…

“Your hand’s wet on the wheel!” D.I. Wood sang, after a fashion.

“You what?”  D.S. Stone looked puzzled.

“Classic 70s rock, Stoney!  Golden Earring.  You must have heard of ‘Radar Love’?”

“Bit before my time, sir!”

“Oh well, your loss Sergeant.  Anyway, it’ll be a nice rest for you, here, won’t it?  Little bit of stakeout practice?”  D.I. Wood grinned as he eased himself out of the car.

* * * *

“We’re coming into the port, Amber!” Lawrence whimpered, “what are we going to do now?  What if someone wants to inspect the car?”

“Be quiet, Lawrence, and let me think!” Amber snapped.

“But we can’t just…”

“WILL YOU SHUT UP!” Amber screamed, “we won’t go into the port itself, not just yet, there’s a car park over there, we’ll go in there and…”

“And then what?”

“I don’t KNOW, not at the moment, but I’m sure…”  Amber began, and then spotted the bright yellow van with the distinctive outline of Archibald Thurble stretching himself beside it, “something might well come up” She said with the first trace of a smile on her lips for many miles.

* * * *

 

“Shall we be on our way, Miss Lace?” Josiah asked, politely, aware that Chantelle did not seem to be making any movement in that direction.

“Erm, yes, of course Mr. O.” Chantelle nodded, vigorously, “I just need to get something out of my handbag.  You go on, I’ll catch you up”

“Are you sure?” Josiah looked at her, quizzically.

“Absolutely, I won’t be a tick!”

Josiah shrugged and set off, slowly, port-wards.  Chantelle waited until he was a few strides away before rushing around the van to where Archibald was looking out to sea and day-dreaming.

“Archie!” She hissed, causing him to jump in the air.

“Hellfire, Miss Lace, did you have to sneak up on me like that?”  He said, reproachfully, “I thought you’d gone off with Mr. O.!”

“I’m going to, but I need you to do me a favour” Chantelle whispered.

“Oh yeah?” Archibald said, suspiciously.

“Look, this is going to sound silly, but, ever since you told me about that ‘zombie’ back at the service station, it’s been preying on my mind…”

“There’s no such things as zombies, Miss Lace” Archibald chuckled.

“Yeah, well, maybe not, but I’d be really grateful if you would check the coffin for me, just to put my mind at rest?”  Chantelle smiled, sweetly, at him.

“Check the…but there’s no point.  He can’t have gone anywhere you know?  Once they’re dead, they’re dead!”

“It would make me feel a lot happier, Archie” Chantelle pleaded, “please, just for me?  I know I’m being a silly girl but…”  She fluttered her eyelashes and looked downcast.  Every inch of her feminist spirit was rebelling against all this but, needs must.

“Oh, go on then!”  Archibald conceded.

“Ta, Archie, you’re a pal!  Don’t tell Mr. O., he’ll think I’ve gone clean off my rocker!  It’s just between us, ok?” Chantelle grinned and gave him a peck on the cheek which engendered volcanic waves of blushing on the part of the recipient.  She hurried off to follow Josiah, looked back, waved, put her finger to her lips and winked broadly.

* * * *

 

D.S. Stone wound the window down, slightly, to let the cool sea breeze dispel the fug of their rental car.  It was nice, sitting here, at rest at last, in the peace and quiet of a car mercifully free of D.I. Wood. 

He shuffled down in his seat, watching the comings and goings of the occupants of the bright yellow van.  He observed the small, vulture-like one march off toward the port, saw Chantelle and the one D.I. Wood had christened ‘Lurch’ sharing some whispered conversation, was aroused to considerable jealousy when he saw her kiss him on the cheek, and then there was just ‘Lurch’ staring blankly out to sea.

As nothing else appeared to be about to happen, D.S. Stone snuggled down a little way further into his seat.  The warmth of the early sun streamed in through the window, not too hot, just pleasant, and what with that and the gentle breeze, D.S. Stone’s eyelids began to droop.  A little way away, a seagull called and, way in the distance, were the muffled sounds of a busy port beginning a brand-new day.  The long hours of driving were taking their toll on D.S. Stone.  His eyelids drooped further and his breathing became more regular. 

Comfortably arranged, behind the wheel, D.S. Stone slept.

Now read Episode 31