I See A Friday And I Want To Paint It Black!

 Josiah Oakshott leaned over his comfortably traditional oak desk and perused a rather interesting article about alternative interment options.  He was just getting to grips with the possibility of a muslin shroud as a fashion statement when a knock came on the door.

"Come" Josiah intoned without looking up from his article.

A head, topped by an unruly mass of hair, appeared around the door.

"Have you got a minute, Mr. O.?"

Josiah sighed, redoubled his efforts to read his article but waved the intruder into the office.

Archibald Thurble came through the door in a confusion of limbs.

"Mr. Oakshott?" He began, hat churning around in his meaty hands.

"Archibald! To what do I owe the… pleasure?" Josiah responded, still absorbed in his article.

"Mr. Oakshott, I have two words…"

"I have often suspected that was the case, Archibald" Josiah smirked at his own joke.

"Black Friday!" Archibald shouted, with the air of someone glad to get something off his mind.

"I beg your pardon?" Josiah's attention wandered from his article to his assistant.

"You know you said I was your 'Marketing Gruel'?" Archibald began.

"I think what I actually said was that you were aiming to be a marketing guru, Archibald.  In point of fact, I was being somewhat sarcastic at the time, which was probably ill-advised" Josiah made a mental note to curb any further spontaneous levity.

"Well, any road, I thought we should do Black Friday" Archibald said with an air of conviction.

"And that is the sum total of your 'marketing' review, is it?"  Josiah steepled his fingers and peered at Archibald over the structure.

"Yeah, well, I think it's an opportunity"

"As I understand it, Black Friday which, I'm given to believe, is yet another regrettable transatlantic import, is a day, preceding Christmas,  on which goods are drastically reduced in price?"

"Yeah, everything's dead cheap.  We could make a killing" Archibald nodded enthusiastically.

"A regrettable comment, considering our profession, Archibald." Josiah shook his head, "I think I need to remind you that we do NOT compete on price.  We compete, if we compete at all (which I doubt is entirely a necessity) on the solace and comfort we offer the bereaved and the dignity with which we treat their deceased loved ones." Josiah was quite taken with that as a phrase and immediately committed it to writing for use in future promotional literature.

"But…but…everyone else is offering discounts!" Archibald complained.

"How would you propose that we apply these discounts then, Archibald?" Josiah settled back in his chair and contemplated his assistant, "Should we, perhaps, offer this new reduced price to those who visit our offices on the day in question?  Or, should it only apply if the deceased is committed to our care on Black Friday?  Perhaps it was your intention that it should only apply to funerals that take place on that fated day?"

"Erm…well, I dunno"  Archibald admitted. "I thought perhaps if we got the stiff on that day…"

"Archibald!  Need I remind you, yet again, of the need for decorum in our work?"

"Erm, probably not" Archibald concurred, without much certainty.

"I think, Archibald, that the issues I have highlighted comprise the nub and the gist of the problem and ably illustrate why we do not, as a profession, engage in such spurious marketing techniques"

"Alright then, how about that bloke with the binoculars in his conservatory?" Archibald blurted.

Josiah looked at him in utter disbelief, for a few moments.

"I'm afraid you have me at something of a disadvantage, Archibald.  Should I know this person?"

"Yeah, you must have seen him!  He's standing in his conservatory with his binoculars and the woman from next door comes in with the post what's been delivered to her by mistake.  Any road, he's chuffed because it's his Over 50's Life Cover or summat and he reckons it'll pay for his funeral 'cos it's the right thing to do for his family, and stuff"

"Let me see if I can get this firmly fixed in my mind, this gentleman is standing in his conservatory with a pair of binoculars…?"

"Yeah, me mum reckons he was probably peering into her bedroom window" Archibald giggled.

"Your mum's bedroom window?" Josiah was shocked at the allegation.

"No, no, the woman what lives next door to him and brings the post round!  Me mum says there must be summat going on between them, 'cos next time he's taking a box of parsnips round to her…"

"Ah yes, the food of love!" Josiah smirked and then regretted his levity.

"Is it?  Oh, right!  Well, any road, me mum says they're way too matey to just be neighbours.  She says 'giving her a parsnip' ought to be a ufo…ufo…ufonium?"

"A euphemism, is the word to which you are groping, Archibald.  I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why is this gentleman taking a box of parsnips to his next door neighbour?"

"'Cos they've got loads of 'em, apparently.  As it happens, she's just received her Over 50s Plan and she's made up about it, an' all.  They say you get a free gift voucher and all sorts.  The bloke reckoned he was going to get a new set of binoculars, which me mum said was highly suspicious"

"I take it this drama to which you allude is some form of televisual commercial?"

"It's an advert, yeah"

"And the connection to our recent conversation is…?" Josiah raised his eyebrows, enquiringly.

"Well, it's all about paying for your funeral before you have it"

"Ah, now I get the picture!  You are referring to some form of insurance or savings plan which enables individuals to either indemnify themselves from the likely cost of their funeral arrangements or contribute towards the potential cost by paying in instalments toward an agreed price fixed at current levels?"

"Erm, probably, yeah!" Archibald scratched his head and frowned.

"I have given this strategy some considerable thought, I must admit, Archibald, as it has cropped up on numerous occasions in the trade literature.  However, I continue to wonder why anyone would want to do this?"

"Well, it's the right thing to do…for the family, innit?  Like what that bloke says with his binoculars in his conservatory"

"I can see that viewpoint, Archibald, and I concede that it is, indeed, a noble gesture.  However, I have misgivings about individuals being forced into paying in advance for their own funeral arrangements simply because they have had a sense of guilt placed upon them by television actors.  You see, I'm persuaded that 'the family', as you put it, should do very nicely thank you upon the unfortunate gentleman's demise by selling the rather nice house with the conservatory, complete with parsnips and obliging neighbour, and realising his assets, which should more than cover the cost of whatever funeral arrangements he had in mind, no matter how lavish"

"Yeah, but they'd have to pay it up front, wouldn't they?  Be out of pocket like, for a bit?"

"It is a happy peculiarity of English law, Archibald, that Funeral Directors' fees and expenses have first call on the estate of the deceased which means, come what may, we will always be paid, provided that the estate is of sufficient extent to do so." Josiah beamed, contentedly, "As most families, these days, are likely to be the happy recipients of a veritable tsunami of money as the baby-boomer generation face the final curtain, I see little incentive for the prospective deceased to add further to their largesse by paying for their own funeral!"

"You're not going to do that, then?"

"Not only am I not going to do it, Archibald, I would heartily discourage anyone else from contemplating it"

"So, I suppose you're not up for this idea then?" Archibald dragged a large piece of paper from the dark recesses of his jacket.

"What would that be?" Josiah asked with a grim foreboding.

"Well, I thought you probably wouldn't go for the whole 'bloke with binoculars' thing, so perhaps we could, like, turn it on its head?"

"Turn it on its head?"

"Umm, like this…"  Archibald unrolled the paper on which he had scrawled, in large black letters

Die now, pay later!

"Thank you, Archibald, but I think not.  I believe, all in all, you might be better employed helping Egbert rearrange the caskets in the showroom"

"Yeah, but, you see…" Archibald attempted to smooth out his draft poster.

"Thank you, Archibald!" Josiah said, with what he hoped was a degree of finality.  He leaned forward to peruse his article once more and heaved a sigh of relief as I heard the office door close behind a retreating Archibald Thurble.  He had the unsettling feeling that, whilst he might have won that particular battle, he had far from won the war.

THE END

You can find a special Christmas story featuring Josiah and Archibald in my collection of seasonal stories 'A Christmas Cracker' - just follow the hyperlink in the book title :-)