Death and Taxis! (The Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 3)

You can find the story so far in Part 1 – Board Stiff! and Part 2 – Keep on Truckin’

For Lawrence and Amber Hamble, this was proving to be an intriguing, and somewhat challenging, maiden flight.  What with the tall man in the dark suit being wheeled onto the plane and then his cadaverous smaller companion coming to sit next to them, Amber’s agitation at taking to the skies had reached new levels. 

She had only developed sufficient confidence to board the plane as a consequence of an intensive course of cognitive behavioural therapy, involving the distraction technique of snapping an elastic band on her wrist and taking herself mentally to her ‘happy place’.  Right now, the elastic was snapping at a rapid rate and her ‘happy place’ had disappeared behind a wall of barbed wire, an alligator-infested moat and a parade of Pit Bull Terriers.

It really wasn’t fair!  She had never wanted to fly at all and would have been quite happy to have holidayed in the Isle of Wight, again.  Lawrence, however, had a thirst for adventure and had insisted they should give Spain a whirl, as he put it. 

Lawrence!  She turned to look at her husband with barely disguised loathing.  He, of course, was blissfully unaware and was studying the safety sheet minutely.  Her mother was absolutely right, she should never have married him.  As she said at the time, he had precious little to offer and wasn’t it bad enough that she would finish up with a name that sounded like she was permanently mumbling?

****

Josiah relaxed, as far as possible, in his seat.  He had found the Classical Music channel on the in-flight entertainment menu and, thanks to the headphones, was now being comforted by a blanket of Beethoven.  This brief interlude of relative tranquility was disturbed, as the plane hurtled over the tarmac and began its ascent, by a tap on his left shoulder.

“How did I get here, Mr. Oakshott?”

Evidently Archibald was back in the land of the living.  Josiah reluctantly removed his headphones and turned around to look at his companion.

““With no little difficulty, it has to be said,” Josiah conceded, “how are you feeling now, Archibald?”

“Never better, Mr. O.  I’m sorry if I put you to any bother.  I did warn you about my family.”

“You did indeed, Archibald, and I would have done well to have heeded your wise counsel.  However, it is of no matter.  More importantly, we are now in transit and will soon be able to accomplish our mission.”  Josiah smiled, refitted his headphones and headed for Haydn.

“Can’t believe I’m going to Spain!” Archibald burbled excitedly, “Never thought there’d be an opportunity to travel to foreign parts in Undertaking.  Me mam always said it was a good profession to get into.”

Given that Archibald’s view, which encompassed the back of Josiah’s head, made it impossible to know whether his employer was listening to him, or not, most people might well have decided to leave the conversation there, but Archibald determined to press on, anyway.

“She said, ‘Archibald, there are two things in this life that are certain and that’s death and taxis.’  Do you think she got that right, Mr. Oakshott, eh?”  The latter part of this diatribe was accompanied by Archibald tapping furiously at Josiah’s shoulder, in an effort to elicit some form of response.

“What were you saying, Archibald?” Josiah asked, resignedly, turning and reluctantly parting with his headphones again.

“Me mam, she said that the only things you can be sure of are death and taxis, but that doesn’t sound right to me ‘cos I’ve waited ages for taxis what never turned up!”

“I believe, Archibald, that the quote to which your mother was referring, was originally made by Benjamin Franklin and related to the certainty of death and taxes, not taxis.”  Josiah massaged his increasingly creased forehead, as the strain of conversing with Archibald took its usual toll.  He turned back toward the front of the aircraft, but continued with his theme.  “Your mother is, of course, absolutely correct that the certainty of death does, happily for us, convert into a useful business model upon which we can, with some certainty, predict a relatively constant income.” 

Regrettably, his monologue had missed its intended audience, as Archibald had, in the meantime, discovered his set of headphones, had started fiddling about with them, and was, therefore, blissfully unaware of his employer’s musings.  As Josiah turned and smiled at him, Archibald realised that he might have missed something important.

“SORRY MR. O, I COULDN’T HEAR YOU ON ACCOUNT OF THESE HEADPHONES.” He yelled above the sound of Metallica doing their worst, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

Josiah sighed and decided to summarise, as loudly as possible,  “I SAID, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”

It was rather unfortunate that this yelled utterance occurred at exactly the same moment as the pilot completed the ascent and throttled back the engines.  Josiah’s phrase echoed around the, now deathly silent, cabin.

****

"Lawrence?" Amber hissed, nudging her husband violently.  There was no immediate reply.  Lawrence was busily, and happily, tracing the various routes of the airline, on the map in the in-flight magazine, and dreaming of far-away places with strange-sounding names, like Majorca!

"Lawrence!" Louder and more insistent, with repeated nudges, this time.

"Hmm?  Yes, dear?"  Lawrence tutted as he lost the thread of the purple line from the tangle of routes and realised he would have to start again.

"Did you hear what he said?"" Amber said in a stage whisper.

"Who, dear?" Lawrence asked, endeavouring to show some interest but, in reality, searching for the end of the purple line.

"The man next to you"

Lawrence stole a quick glance at his neighbour, who was cheerfully ensconced in his headphones, and nodded amiably at Lawrence.

"I'm not sure.  Why?" Lawrence asked.

"He said 'we're all going to die', you must have heard!"

"Oh, that!”  Lawrence shook his head,  “I'm sure it was just some sort of misunderstanding" He conjectured, finding himself caught in that peculiar English predicament of not wanting to offend someone, even if they might have just threatened to kill you.

"We need to tell the cabin crew" Amber said, firmly.

"I really don't think…" Lawrence began.

"I know you don't!" Amber snapped, "If you won't, I will" Amber said, defiantly, and reached up for the 'Call' button.

Lawrence might have felt a little less embarrassed at this turn of events, had he realised that similar conversations were going on, up and down the aircraft, albeit without the alleged perpetrator sitting next to them.  'Call' lights were illuminating at an alarming rate, giving the plane the appearance of a sort of horizontal Christmas Tree.

Read on with Part 4