Drumming Up The Christmas Trade!

Josiah Oakwood meandered morosely between the work benches, collecting the odd glass and mince pie foil tray as he went.  This detritus was the result of the, popularly but erroneously known, Oakshott and Underwood Christmas Party.

In all honesty, Josiah acknowledged to himself, there really was not a lot of clearing up to do.   Never exactly a riotous assembly, the ‘Christmas Party’ usually consisted of one glass of sherry and one mince pie per employee, the pulling of a cracker or two, a few words of thanks and encouragement from him, the ritual and traditional distribution of one bottle of cream sherry per employee as a Christmas gift, a spot of awkward socialising in a place that was never really intended for social gatherings, and then a mad dash for the doors as soon as he announced (as he always did) that business was now concluded for the day and everyone could go home. 

He wondered what would happen if, one year, he didn’t end by saying they could all go home but just went back to his office instead?  He shuddered at the prospect of the sullen looks and downright belligerence that would be his lot for the rest of the year.

Josiah was just staring at a novelty that had fallen out of a Christmas Cracker, wondering what on earth it was meant to be, when he heard a rustling noise coming from the general direction of the employees’ lockers.  This was a concern, because he was not expecting anyone else to be present.  To the best of his knowledge, the list of those on site consisted of himself, the late Mr. Murchison and the late Miss Parvell. 

It was a matter of some, not inconsiderable, irony, he reflected, that Mr. Murchison and Miss Parvell were sharing a room, given that they had spent years ‘giving each other the eye’ as the expression went, but never progressing beyond that. Both were crippled by a self-limiting shyness that had reduced their putative romance to a series of awkward encounters, blushes and stammered inconsequentialities.  It was quite sad, really, Josiah mused, and very pertinent to his current mood.

However, none of that satisfactorily explained the noise from the lockers.  He set off, gingerly, to investigate.

As he turned the corner, he was relieved and surprised to see the familiar frame of Archibald Thurble, scrabbling about in his locker.

“Archibald!” Josiah said, sharply, “whatever are you doing here?”

Archibald straightened up, suddenly, and hit his head on the top of his locker, producing a loud bang.

“For ferk…” He began, clutching the top of his head with both hands, then spotted his employer, “fancy that!” He amended, diplomatically.

“Are you alright?” Josiah asked.

“Yeah, ta, I’ll live” Archibald screwed his eyes up and rubbed his head, “smarts a bit, mind you”

“You gave me a fright, what are you doing here at this time?”

“I gave YOU a fright?” Archibald asked, with feeling, “I nearly jumped out of me skin!”

“Well, I believe I have a right to be here, these are my premises, whereas, to the best of my knowledge and belief, you had gone home with all the others” Josiah said, stiffly.

“Yeah, well, I nearly did” Archibald admitted, “but then I remembered that I’d left me Nan’s present here, so I had to come back, didn’t I?”

“It would have been useful to have known you were here!” Josiah admonished.

“Well, I thought I could just sneak in, grab it and sneak out again” Archibald grumbled, “but now I can’t find it and I’m sure I left it here”

“What have you purchased for your grandmother?”

“It’s a vaping kit” Archibald explained, rummaging again through his locker.

“A vaping kit?  I would not have thought that would be a very healthy pursuit to be promoting in the elderly?”

“It’s ‘cause I’m trying to keep her off the N₂0” Archibald said, matter-of-factly.

“N₂0?  Is that a boy band or some other beat combo?” Josiah looked puzzled.

“Nah, it’s that laughing gas stuff, a lot of the kids are into it” Archibald explained, “and, to be honest, she’s got enough bad habits without getting that one an’ all”

“In which case, I imagine vaping would, as you say, be the lesser of two evils” Josiah nodded, admiring Archibald’s powers of understatement.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought” Archibald muttered, from the depths of his locker, “I mean, there’s only so many hours in the day, isn’t there?  Oh, I’ve found it!”

Archibald emerged from his locker clutching a plastic carrier bag and looking triumphant.

“Well, that is a positive outcome, of sorts” Josiah smiled, “would you care to join me for a drink before you hurry off home?”

“Not down the Frog and Crumpet?  It’s rammed down there!” Archibald warned.

“No, I did not have a hostelry in mind” Josiah chuckled, “I thought we could share a libation in my office, unless, of course, you have other pressing business?”

“Nah, I’ve already taken me Mam’s stuff down the drycleaners” Archibald said, seriously, “yeah, that would be great”

The two headed off down the corridor toward the oak-lined sanctuary of Josiah’s office.

“Not very festive in here, is it?” Archibald noted, as they entered.

“I find that clients, in the midst of bereavement and grief, are not usually seeking tinsel and glitter” Josiah said, somewhat stuffily.

“Well, you never know…” Archibald began, settling himself into his usual chair.

“Trust me, Archibald, I do know” Josiah said, firmly, and opened the drinks cabinet, “now, what can I get you?”

“I rather took to that brandy and invisible coke stuff you gave me a couple of years back” Archibald said, hopefully.

“Brandy and invisible coke, it is” Josiah smiled, adding a generous shot of soda to the less than generous measure of brandy.  Pouring himself a similar, if somewhat less parsimonious, drink, he settled himself behind his desk and regarded his employee. “Our party finished some time ago, Archibald, where have you been, in the interim?”

“I’ve not been in no interim” Archibald shook his head, “to be honest…” he looked a little embarrassed, “I’ve been busking!”

“Busking?” Josiah looked astonished, “what with?”

“Them drums what you bought me last year” Archibald grinned.

“With drums?” Josiah looked puzzled.

“Well, not just drums,” Archibald sipped his drink, “I’d got Egbert joining me.  He was going to sing and play the guitar, a bit”

“Ah well, I suppose that might work” Josiah said, dubiously.

“Well, I thought so too, only Egbert didn’t turn up.  I reckon he’d gone down the Frog and Crumpet and forgot all about it” Archibald looked a bit put out.

“So, that was the end of that, was it?” Josiah smiled.

“No, ‘cause I thought, ‘I’ve not made all this effort for nowt’” Archibald said, with a determined air, “so I did it on me own”

“Playing what, pray?”

“Well, carols, you’ve got to this time of year, haven’t you?” Archibald said, firmly.

“No, I meant what instrument did you play?”

“Me drums, of course” Archibald looked puzzled, “it’s the only thing I’ve learned to play…well, sort of”

“Let me understand this” Josiah said, determined to get a hold on the conversation, “you went into the town centre, armed only with your electronic drum kit, with a view to playing for the amusement of passers-by?”

Archibald considered this for a moment and then said, “Yeah”

“I would not have imagined that this would be a popular endeavour on your part, or have I misunderstood?”

“It wasn’t easy!” Archibald said, in a hurt tone, “for a start off, I had to haul a car battery down with me to power the drum kit.  Then it turns out you can’t attach a speaker to the kit, so I had to strap a microphone to my headphones and turn the volume up to maximum”

“That does sound somewhat convoluted.  Did it work?”

“Well, after a fashion” Archibald admitted, cautiously, “it weren’t brilliant, I’ll give you, but you could hear something”

“So, you spent the afternoon entertaining the populace with carols played solely on the drums?  I would have thought that might have been somewhat challenging” Josiah mused.

“Well, it was” Archibald agreed, “Silent Night was a bit of a bugger!”

“So, I would imagine” Josiah concurred, “was it a profitable endeavour?” 

“Put it this way” Archibald shifted in his chair and swirled his drink around, moodily, “I started out by putting a fiver’s worth of change in me hat, to make it look like other folk had given, style of thing…”

“Ah yes, I believe that is the usual mode of operation” Josiah nodded.

“And, after half an hour” Archibald took a sip of his drink and cleared his throat, “I was £4.95 down”

They both sipped their drinks and contemplated that particular fact.

“You managed half an hour then?” Josiah said, trying to find something positive to say.

“Oh yeah” Archibald nodded, vigorously, “the shop owner came out and gave me a tenner.  He said his shop was full to bursting!”

“So, it had been a success from his point of view?”

“Well, not quite” Archibald took another long sip, “it turned out the folk in the shop wouldn’t come out while I was drumming.  He reckoned there was talk of them organising an escape committee” He said, glumly.

Josiah managed to suppress a smirk, with some difficulty

“Also, no-one else would come near,” Archibald continued, in a hurt tone, “so he couldn’t get anyone in or out.  He gave me the tenner to clear off”

“Ah!” Josiah searched for a positive remark, and came up empty.

“So, I suppose I’m a fiver up, over all” Archibald brightened up a little.

“There is that” Josiah nodded.

They returned to their drinks and the ticking of the long case clock in the corner filled the silence.

“Any road, what are you still doing here, Mr. O.?”  Archibald asked.

“Oh, this and that” Josiah waved away the question, “there’s always something to be done”

“Thought you’d have better things to do” Archibald grinned, “aren’t you spending Christmas with Ms. Knight this year?”

“That is a possibility” Josiah squirmed in his seat, “but, by no means, a certainty”

“Do you not fancy it then, Mr. O.?” Archibald asked, with some surprise.

“It’s not a case of what I ‘fancy’…” Josiah began, then sighed and rummaged in his drawer, “in all honesty, Archibald, I find myself wrestling with something of a quandary”

“Isn’t that a sort of camel?” Archibald had a mental picture of Josiah in a half-nelson.

“No, that is a dromedary” Josiah snapped, “a quandary might be better defined as ‘a state of uncertainty or perplexity’”

“Oh, right” Archibald absorbed that information and then said, “what’s up then?”

“Well, it is this” Josiah pushed a small, crocodile-leather box, of some considerable vintage, across the desk.  Archibald picked it up and opened the lid.  He was surprised to find a much-bejewelled ring inside.

“Oh, erm” He swallowed hard, “that’s very nice, Mr. O….” He began.

“I thought so,” Josiah nodded, “it was my grandmother’s”

“And don’t think I’m not appreciative, ‘cause I really am,” Archibald swallowed hard and blushed furiously, “I’m flattered, I suppose but…I don’t really think of you in that way!”  He stammered.

“Think of me…” Josiah looked perplexed, and then realisation dawned, “oh no, Archibald!  I was not intending the ring for you” He giggled helplessly at the thought.

“You weren’t?” Archibald was caught between being relieved but also a little hurt.

“No, not at all” Josiah continued to giggle.

“Ok, fair enough!” Archibald folded his arms and looked miffed, “who is it for then?”

“Well, Ms. Knight, of course!” Josiah managed, between titters.

“What, you’re getting engaged?” Archibald’s eyebrows shot up.

“Ah, now that is the nub and the gist of my quandary” Josiah said, suddenly serious again.

“How come?”

“Should I ask her and, if so, will she agree?  That is the essence of the matter” Josiah said, glumly.

“Of course, you should ask her” Archibald said, with certainty, “she’s smashing is Ms. Knight, and she’d be good for you an’ all”

“That’s as may be, and I’m not contradicting you, Archibald, but would she agree, that is the question?”

“Well, you’ve been knocking around together for some years now, haven’t you?” Archibald pointed out.

“That is one way of putting it, true” Josiah nodded.

“It’s not as if she’s been gadding about with other blokes, is it?  She’s stuck with you all that time”

“Indeed” Josiah agreed.

“Well then, I’d say she was in it for the long haul, style of thing, wouldn’t you?”

“I really don’t know, Archibald” Josiah shook his head, sadly, “you see, the problem would be if she turned me down.  Our working relationship would never survive a blow like that, and yet she is critical for my business plans for the future”

“Hmmm, tricky” Archibald nodded, slowly, “I wouldn’t put it like that, to her, if I were you” He grinned and winked broadly “perhaps you should have asked me, after all!”

TO BE CONTINUED

Find out what happened next in 'A Subsequent Engagement'