The Frog and Crumpet

Archibald Thurble stood under the tree and shivered.  Even his thick, dark grey overcoat was not proof against the icy wind scything through the tombstones in the municipal cemetery.  A little distance away, a knot of black-clad mourners assembled around a freshly dug grave.  One of their number detached from the group and walked over to Archibald.

“I always think it is prudent to leave the principal mourners for a few moments to pay their last respects” Josiah Oakshott remarked as he joined Archibald under the tree, discreetly disposing of the small mound of earth he had been carrying, in a container for that purpose, at the base of the tree.

“I hate burials!” Archibald observed, gloomily.

“You should be pleased” Josiah replied, “not so many years ago, burials were the bulk of our business”

“It’s just all so, I dunno, morbid!” Archibald expanded on his theme.

“It is a funeral, when all is said and done, Archibald” Josiah reminded him.

“Yeah but…I mean, what’s all that business about where they all stand ‘round and chuck earth on the dearly departed?”  Archibald shifted from one leg to the other, in an effort to keep his feet warm, “don’t seem right that.  I mean, it’s like saying ‘good riddance’ innit?”

“I hardly think so, Archibald!”  Josiah gave his employee a stern look, “It is merely a continuation of the Service of Committal which preceded it, wherein the officiating member of the clergy goes through the ‘earth to earth, ashes to ashes’ section, and makes the same symbolic gesture.”

“I still think it’s odd” Archibald muttered, grumpily. “Plus, it’s bitter out.  You don’t get this standing around, freezing your whatsits off, in the Crem. do you?”

“I will grant you that the weather is somewhat inclement for standing around in the open air” Josiah nodded, “it has been particularly cold, of late.  I do worry that the old and frail may not do well in such conditions”

“Yeah, it’s a bugger and no mistake” Archibald nodded, sagely.

“Archibald!”  Josiah snapped, “do remember where we are and on what business we are about”

“Well, it is!” Archibald protested, “mind you, in this game, it’s an ill wind an’ all that, innit?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You know” Archibald nudged his employer, “good cold snap, see a few of them off, all pays the wages dunnit?”

“I try not to think in those terms, Archibald” Josiah replied, sharply, “each person affected by this terribly cold weather is also someone’s relative; a mother, favourite aunt, grandmother, not just a business opportunity”

“Yeah, you’re right there” Archibald agreed, “me Nan’s taken advantage of one of them ‘warm room’ schemes.”

“Very sensible” Josiah nodded, “unless, of course, you mean the back room of ‘The King of Prussia’?”

“No, it’s not there” Archibald shook his head, “she’s banned from there.  She had a bit of ‘to do’ with the landlord’s dog”

“It bit her?”  Josiah raised his eyebrows.

“Nah, she bit it” Archibald chuckled, “then there’s been all the business of the tetanus and rabies injections”

“That must have been difficult for your grandmother”

“No, that was for the dog!  The landlord made her pay for it.  She was right narked”

“So, where is she using for this ‘warm room’ scheme?”  Josiah asked, in an effort to move the subject on a bit.

“She’s down ‘The Frog and Crumpet’, they’ve got this deal where you get a free bowl of soup with every pint you buy” Archibald explained.

“I’m not sure that is entirely in the spirit of the initiative” Josiah mused.

“Well, she rates it” Archibald replied, “in fact, she had that much soup the other day, they had to bring her back on a shopping trolley!”

“Did you say that this establishment rejoiced under the title of ‘The Frog and Crumpet’?”  Josiah asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah, that’s right” Archibald nodded, “it were a bit of co…mix up, that” He said, taking note of the warning look from Josiah.

“It seems an unlikely, even bizarre, name for a public house” Josiah remarked.

“Yeah, well you see, they changed the sign a few years back” Archibald explained, “and the bloke what had the job of painting the new one, took the name off the old sign…”

“Sounds sensible” Josiah started to head back toward the mourners at the graveside.

“Well, yeah, only the lettering on the old sign was all done in that funny stuff” Archibald went on, following his employer.

“You mean, in some form of cursive script?” Josiah asked.

“No, I don’t think there was any cursing involved” Archibald shook his head, “it were all fancy and swirly, you know what I mean?”  He traced some imaginary letters in the frosty air.

“I think I can grasp your meaning, Archibald, yes”

“So, he couldn’t make out what it said before.” Archibald went on, “it should have been ‘The Flag and Trumpet’”

“Ah yes, a traditional epithet with a military history” Josiah nodded, “did he not notice the picture denoting those two items?”

“No, ‘cause it got broken when that artic. went through their front window” Archibald nearly tripped over a discarded urn, “so all he’d got left was the name, style of thing.  You must have read about it, it were all over the local papers”

“I regret that, that particular item of intelligence passed me by” Josiah said, with some relief.

“The landlord played lights out about it” Archibald stated, seriously, “mind you, he would, ‘cause he’s one of them conspirer-thingummy’s”

“A conspiracy theorist?” Josiah suggested.

“Yeah, that’s it.  He’s always banging on about JFK, the Loch Ness Monster and all that.  He’s into that Flat Earth stuff an’ all, in fact, his pub is the global headquarters for the Flat Earth Society!”

Josiah stopped in his tracks and stared at his employee.

“I take it that the irony of that title was not lost on him?”  He raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Irony?  What irony?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“Never mind” Josiah sighed, and resumed his steady walk to the graveside.

“Any road,” Archibald resumed his story,  “he said as how it was no coincidence that the lorry what crashed into the pub was carrying a load of 0% lager.  He said as how it was a terrorist act on the part of the temperance movement”

“Seems somewhat unlikely” Josiah chuckled, “who would do such a thing?”

“Well..” Archibald looked about him, conspiratorially, and whispered, “he blamed the Provisional wing of the Salvation Army”

“The Provisional wing of the…?”  Josiah shook his head, despairingly, “I have no idea why I’m asking, but did the signwriter depict the name, as he interpreted it, on the new sign?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t half get some comments” Archibald chuckled.

“It is a somewhat bizarre juxtaposition”

“Shall I go and get the car started then, Mr.O.?” Archibald suggested, as they approached the mourners.

“Yes, please Archibald”

“Are they going back for a ‘do’?” Archibald asked, nodding toward the mourners.

“There is a post-funeral function, yes”

“Where are we taking them?” Archibald rubbed his hands to get some feeling back into them.

“I have a note of it in my pocket, I believe” Josiah rummaged in the inside pocket of his overcoat and produced a neatly typed piece of paper, “Ah yes, it is to be held at…oh dear!”

“Where we going then, Mr. O.?”

“It appears that we are bound for ‘The Frog and Crumpet’” Josiah sighed.

“Oh brilliant!” Archibald clapped his hands, “We might get to see me Nan”

“Not if I see her first” Josiah said, under his breath, as he shepherded the group toward the waiting car.