Driven to Distraction (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 13)

Continued from Episode 12 - "Morning Has Broken..."

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Regrettably, things have not gone to plan and only now, after a series of unfortunate events, are they en-route to collect the deceased:

"The wheels on the bus go…" Archibald Thurble began to sing, merrily.

"Archibald!" Josiah snapped, "I care not if the wheels on the omnibus rotate, vibrate or, for that matter, disintegrate!  I have no concern whatsoever for its means of locomotion.  By my certain reckoning, that is at least, the eighty-third time in which you have advised me about the vehicular arrangements of this mode of public transportation and I am not prepared to hear it for an eighty-fourth time.  Do I make myself clear?"

Josiah hunched over the steering wheel of the van and glared fixedly at the road ahead.  There was a good deal of sotto voce grumbling from the seat beside him, followed by,

"Ten green bott…"

"Do not go there, Archibald, I am warning you!"

More sotto voce grumbling.

"What did you say, Archibald?"

"I said, I don't see why you're in such a bad mood just ‘cause you're driving.” Archibald muttered, sulkily,“I could have driven, you know?"

"I have to admit, Archibald, that, in many ways, it would be infinitely preferable if you were to drive because I could then devote my time to telephoning ahead with a view to arranging our onward passage back to the U.K.,” Josiah observed, “a passage which is still somewhat, if I may coin a phrase, 'up in the air', as a consequence of the difficulties we encountered en-route to Alicante.  However, I think we both know why I am driving and not you, do we not, Archibald?"

Yet more sotto voce mumbling.

"Would it, perhaps," Josiah continued, "be due to the fact that when we set out from the hotel, with you actually driving, we encountered the first roundabout, and you drove straight through it!"

"I think you're being a bit unfair, Mr. O."  Archibald responded, stoutly.

"Unfair! UNFAIR!!" Josiah spluttered, 

"Yes, you told me to remember that it was the opposite way around here, didn't you?  So that's what I did!   Instead of going around, I went straight on.  If I'd had a bit more time to practice..."

"We do not have the luxury of time, Archibald.  As it is, with all of these unfortunate delays and diversions, we are under considerable time constraints.  As you know, I spoke to Ms. Knight at some length, yesterday evening.”

“Oh yeah!”  Archibald nodded, “was she alright and everything?”

“It would be fair to say that her condition was somewhat fraught” Josiah sighed, “in addition to the stresses and strains inherent in managing the day-to-day affairs of Oakshott and Underwood, which we fondly imagined would be a short interlude at most, she has now been advised, by Lady Lewisham, that the funeral service, which at the time of our departure had yet to be arranged, will now be held on the coming Friday”

“Is that a problem then?” Archibald enquired.

“Well, yes, it is!” Josiah snapped, “I had supposed, not unreasonably, that it would take some considerable time to arrange a service which would, inevitably, feature as guests, some of the cream of British aristocracy.  I never imagined, for a moment, that Lady Lewisham would make such hasty arrangements.”

“In a bit of a rush, is she?”

“It would appear that the Spanish Police have now advised her of the exact circumstances surrounding Sir Lewisham’s unfortunate demise” Josiah looked ill at ease.

“You mean this massage malarkey?”

“Indeed!”  Josiah grimaced with discomfort, “it transpires that your interpretation of events, Archibald, with regard to the massage, was, not to put too fine a point on it, nearer the truth than mine”

“What?  You mean he was ‘at it’?” Archibald grinned and surrounded the phrase with mimed quotation marks.

“That would appear to be the case” Josiah nodded, glumly, “as a consequence of which, Lady Lewisham has decreed that close family only are to attend the funeral and she has taken it upon herself to arrange the service for Friday afternoon.”

“Shouldn’t be the end of the world if we can get him on the ‘plane tonight, though, should it?  It’s only Tuesday, now” Archibald suggested, cheerily.

“In a perfect world” Josiah agreed, “but the timescale is far tighter than I would have wished”

“I mean, I don’t see why we couldn’t have had breakfast” Archibald grumbled, in concert with his stomach.

“Time is of the essence, Archibald” Josiah said, severely, “I’m sure we will be able to obtain a snack, of some sort, once we have collected the deceased.”

“If I was driving, it might take my mind off my stomach thinking my throat’s been cut!” Archibald suggested.

“If you were driving then, perhaps, and it’s only perhaps, I might be excused these inanities!” Josiah snarled, “but we are where we are.  I would also point out that, notwithstanding your difficulties with the Spanish road system, I have had occasion to discuss your driving with you in the past, have I not?"

"Not sure, Mr. O." Archibald muttered, taking a sudden interest in the passing scenery.

"I am referring, Archibald, to the unfortunate occasion on which you took it upon yourself to overtake the hearse in the funeral procession, whilst driving the car carrying the immediate relatives of the deceased."

"Ah, yeah, well, I explained about that at the time, Mr. Oakshott.”  Archibald folded his arms and adopted a ‘put upon’ demeanour, “I was worried that we were going to be late for the funeral"

"Yes, so I recall" Josiah groaned, "Although, this rather missed the point that, without the deceased being present, there would have been no funeral.”  Josiah glared at his employee.  “I am reliably informed, by those who witnessed the event, that the look upon the face of the widow, as she hurtled past the coffin of her late husband, had to be seen to be believed."

"She did scream a bit, that’s true" Archibald conceded, amiably.

"I believe that was after you announced 'I'm going to have to put my toe down a bit if we're going to beat that lorry coming toward us.'" Josiah observed," I am told that we have the unfortunate distinction of being the only funeral directors' in the U.K. to have had a speeding ticket issued for a funeral car, whilst it was on the way to a funeral."

Archibald rested his chin on his hand and took a diplomatic interest in the coastline, as Josiah threaded his way through the holiday traffic.  An indistinct humming eventually became "One man went to mow…"

"Archibald!  Don't!!"

"Sorry, Mr. O."

Now read on in Episode 14