On The Road, Again! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 14)

Continued from Episode 13 - "Driven to Distraction"

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock, who departed this veil of tears under embarassing circumstances.  They are en route to collect his body from a little town called Castiliano de la Ribera, which, coincidentally, is also where the prisoner Detectives Wood and Stone are tasked with repatriating is being held (or so they think) and where the Pension in which Amber and Lawrence Hamble are hoping to spend the rest of their holiday, can be found.  All of which goes to explain why...

A little further down the coast, other journeys were at varying stages of progression.

“I’ve always said, you can’t beat eggs, bacon and a fried slice to set you up for the day” D.I. Wood patted his stomach contentedly as he accelerated up the coast road, “What was that you had?”

“Grilled sardines” D.S. Stone replied, primly.

“Fish for breakfast?  You must be out of your tiny mind.  What’s wrong with a Full English, eh?”

“It’s a regional dish, sir.  When in Rome…”  D.S. Stone pointed out.

“I reckon you’re going restive” D.I. Wood muttered as he hurtled around a put-putting moped, causing the rider to wobble alarmingly.

“Native!” D.S. Stone snapped, “Going native, you mean, sir.  It isn’t that.  I just like to eat a healthy diet and grilled sardines are a local speciality”

“You’ll be ordering that calamari stuff next.  Nothing more than deep-fried rubber bands if you ask me.”

“Why are we going up the coast road?” D.S. Stone decided that a change of subject was called for, “There’s a really good toll road that would get us there much faster, you know”

“Yeah, I know, I just don’t want to cane the expenses more than I can help it.  What with the two nights in the hotel and all that…”

“We didn’t have two nights…Oh!”  D.S. Stone suddenly noticed the expression on his superior’s face.

“Maria fixed me up with a receipt, didn’t she” He winked, “Least she could do, under the circumstances.  We stand to make a few bob on that.  Make it worth our while spending a night in the car park, eh?”

“Hmm” D.S. Stone was unconvinced, “Oh-oh, watch out, there’s a sign for road works ahead”

“Oh, flaming hell.  That’ll mean miles of bloody cones and nobody doing nothing in them” D.I. Wood slapped his hands on the steering wheel in frustration and lurched over to the left, to avoid the closed lane, much to the annoyance of the bus that was trying to pass him at the time.  They were aware of a short blur of cones and high-vis jackets and then…nothing.

“Was that it?”  D.I. Wood looked astounded.

“Looks like it, sir.  Half a dozen cones, one bloke down a hole, digging, the other leaning on a spade, smoking and watching him.”  D.S. Stone confirmed. “Not a very safe working practice, if you ask me.”  He sniffed.

“Stroll on!  Back in Blighty that would have been cones as far as the eye can see and you wouldn’t even have spotted the two blokes!“  D.I. Wood grinned, “D’you know, Stoney, there are times when  I absolutely bloody love this country.”

****

Amber Hamble stood on the hotel steps, surrounded by their luggage, her toe tapping in sequence with the litany of complaints she was mentally drawing up.  Lawrence, her husband and the focus of her ire, was shambling back across the car park, clutching a ream of paperwork that he had just signed and wearing a rather puzzled expression. 

He stopped to look back at the small, dark blue car that he had just hired, and frowned.  The provider of the car, a swarthy looking chap who reminded Lawrence of an all-in wrestler he had once seen on the T.V., was even now vanishing rapidly from the car park in his expensive-looking four-by-four.

“What seems to be the problem?”  Amber asked, pointedly.

“I’m not sure I’ve grasped whether we’re supposed to return the car full of fuel, or empty?”  Lawrence leafed, listlessly, through the sheaf of papers.

“Oh, give it here”” Amber grabbed the documents and reviewed them with a practiced eye.  “Empty!  You have to bring it back empty.  Look, it says so there in black and white.”  A newly painted talon was applied to the relevant clause, “You’ve paid for a full tank of fuel.  Mind you, looking at the price you’ve paid it would have been cheaper to have filled it with champagne”

“Oh” Lawrence said, miserably.

“What do you mean, ‘oh’?  What’s wrong?”

“Well, you see, it’s a diesel, sweetheart, and it’s only a tiny car.  I doubt that we could empty the tank if we did nothing else but drive for the rest of the week.”

“Typical!” Amber snarled, “you can’t be left to do anything right, can you?” 

“I’ll get the luggage into the car, shall I?” Lawrence suggested, diplomatically.

“Do that, Lawrence!” Amber snapped, hurling herself into the passenger seat.

She continued shuffling through the paperwork.  “What, pray tell, is this?” She pointed to a diagram of a car, almost entirely surrounded by crosses in biro, when Lawrence finally, and with considerable difficulty, prised himself into the driver’s seat.

“Ah!” Lawrence’s brow furrowed, “that chap who brought this had rather a thick accent”

“Meaning?” Amber asked, menacingly.

“Well, if I understood him correctly, and I’m not saying that I did, mark you…”

“Yes?”  Amber’s nails drummed out a funereal beat on the dashboard.

“I think that’s meant to show where there’s damage to the bodywork”

“Of this car?” Amber’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yes, I believe so” Lawrence nodded.

“And did you check it?”

“I’m sorry?” Lawrence looked perplexed.

“It’s not a difficult concept, Lawrence!  Did you check the damage as illustrated on the diagram?”

“Well, no” Lawrence shrugged, “I mean, it is what it is, isn’t it?”

“You imbecile!” Amber shrieked, “if you haven’t checked that the marks on this diagram correspond exactly with the damage to the bodywork, and made sure there is no other damage which is NOT shown on this diagram, then how are you going to be sure that they won’t say you’ve damaged the car whilst it was on hire to you?”

Lawrence considered this carefully, and said, “Pardon?”

“Give me strength!” Amber seethed, “look, when you take it back, and that day can’t come soon enough for me, they’ll check it for damage, yes?”

“Well, yes, I suppose they will” Lawrence conceded, after some thought.

“And what happens if they find something that’s not shown on this diagram, eh?”

“Erm” Lawrence looked baffled.

“I imagine, dear Lawrence, that they will say that you have caused it, don’t you?”

“Oh, do you really think so?”

“I’m certain of it!” Amber growled, “and if I’ve read these clauses correctly, it would probably be cheaper to buy the car than pay for any damage.  I suggest you go and check it, NOW!”

Lawrence grabbed the paperwork and plodded around the car, his finger tracing the marks on the diagram.

“Well?” Amber said, when he finally returned to the driver’s seat.

“It’s erm, it’s difficult to say” Lawrence admitted, “it’s covered in scratches and marks”

“You should take some photos” Amber suggested.

“If you really think so, dear” Lawrence cheered up a little, “something for the holiday album, eh?”

“No, Lawrence,” Amber snarled, “I suggest you take detailed photographs of the car’s bodywork before we move an inch off this car park”

“Photographs?  Of the bodywork?”

“Of course!” Amber sighed, wearily, “so that we can show, if and when it comes to it, just what damage already existed on this heap, before we moved anywhere”

“Oh, yes, of course” Lawrence nodded, rummaged in his jacket pocket and retrieved a small, black and rather battered, instrument.  Numerous clicks later, Lawrence returned to his seat, started the car, and made a few ‘kangaroo hops’ across the car park.

“What the hell are you doing?” Amber shrieked as she lurched around in her seat, “And why does the driver’s window keep going up and down?”

“Sorry, dear.  I’m not used to this clutch and I keep going for the handbrake with my left hand and knocking the electric window switch.”  Lawrence smiled, weakly. “It’s the transposition of everything, takes a bit of getting used to”

“For God’s sake, keep to the minor roads” Amber clung on to the dashboard, like a life-belt, “that way, we might just about avoid adding any further damage to this wreck and I might survive to see the rest of my holiday, such as it is.”

“I was going to suggest that, my love.  It would be prettier anyway.”  Lawrence agreed as he edged, apologetically, out into the Alicante traffic.

“I don’t care if it’s visually stunning, I just want to get there in one piece” Amber observed, darkly.

Now read Episode 15