Wade in the Water (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 37)

Continued from Episode 36 - 'O Sole Mio'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  All of our characters have spent a night on the ferry heading back to the U.K.  and are just about to start a new day, some more bright-eyed and bushy tailed than others!:

 

Chantelle had not had a good night.  Some of that was down to the swaying of the ship, admittedly, but that was as nothing in comparison to the snoring coming from the bunk beneath, which sounded like someone feeding a large pig through a sawmill. 

Frankie’s ‘noises off’, although the principal cause of her insomnia, were aided and abetted by the thoughts that kept racing through her mind as she tried to make sense of events to date.

Her internal debate had so far identified that Frankie’s ‘wardrobe’, in which he seemed to think he had been was, in fact, the coffin, currently in the freight storage hold below.  The pepperoni all over his suit was another matter, and she hadn’t been able to get any sense from him about that, before he had passed out on the bunk.  What worried her was that it seemed to indicate that he had been out of the coffin, at some point, and Frankie’s confused mumblings seemed to back that up with talk of ‘being in the wardrobe’ more than once.  But, if that was the case, (1) where the hell had he been? And (2) how did he get back into the coffin again without anyone noticing?  It was very worrying.  On top of all that was the question of what she should do with him now, especially as the British police were on board?

A weak, grey light was trying to make its presence felt through the window, indicating the start of a new day and an entirely different set of troubles.  Chantelle gave up the unequal struggle, hauled herself upright and dropped down from the bunk, waking Frankie in the process.

“Lacey!”  He exclaimed, drowsily, with a big grin on his face.   He made a half-hearted grab for her nether regions, which she easily avoided.

“Off!” She snapped, slapping his hand, “I’ve told you, Frankie, no funny business.  You’re in no fit state…”

“I reckon I am” Frankie leered and pulled back a sheet to indicate his ‘fitness’.

“Yeah, well, we haven’t got the time and I haven’t got the inclination.  We need to concentrate on how we’re going to get you off the ship”

“Eh?” Frankie frowned, “I’ll walk off with you, of course”

“I don’t think so!”  Chantelle shook her head, “you with no ID, no passport and no ticket for the ship in the first place?  How long do you think it would be before you had your collar felt, eh?”

“Oh, yeah, I hadn’t thought of that” Frankie conceded, glumly.

“Of course, you hadn’t!”  Chantelle sighed, “Can’t you remember anything about how you got here?”

“Well, I’ve been having some dreams, like, and I think they’re summat to do with it” Frankie frowned with concentration, “I remember getting out of the wardrobe, for a slash, sort of thing, and heading for some lights, but the next I know I’m falling into summat soft and smelly and I think I must have gone to sleep again.”

“That was probably where the pepperoni came from, then?”  Chantelle suggested.

“Yeah, maybe” Frankie nodded, “then I think I woke up again and I reckon I went back to find the wardrobe, only it weren’t there no more”

Chantelle remembered that Archie and Josiah had said something about a zombie in the car park at the service station.  She hadn’t paid too much attention at the time but now it was starting to make sense.

“Do you remember what you did next?”

“Nah, it’s all a bit, you know, fuzzy” Frankie sat up and scratched himself, thoughtfully, somewhere that didn’t bear thinking about, “I think I found somewhere warm and soft to have a kip” He thought about this for a few moments, and then, “yeah, that’s right, I did!  ‘Cause there was this couple what were arguing and woke me up and I remember I had the right hump about that”

“Couple?  What couple?”

“I dunno!  Just some couple” Frankie shook his head, “I had to quieten ‘em down a bit” He reached over and pulled a gun from his jacket pocket, causing Chantelle to take an involuntary leap backward.

“You…you didn’t shoot them?”  She asked, horrified.

“Nah, ‘course not, what do you take me for?”  Frankie looked offended, “I just waved this around a bit to shut them up.  Then there was a flat”

“You went to a flat?”

“Not a flat, flat!  I mean a flat tyre.  The car had a puncture.  I must have gone to give them an ‘and and then…nothing.”  Frankie shook his head and looked at the floor, vacantly.  “Next thing I know, I’m back in the wardrobe and it turns out you’re upstairs, which is a bit of a turn up, innit?”  He grinned.

“Yes, but the point is, Frankie, we don’t know how you got back!” Chantelle looked very worried indeed.  Clearly somebody else had been involved, if what he was saying was even remotely true, so, someone else knew about him.

“Any road, I reckon I could do with a shower” Frankie wrapped a sheet around his lower portions and staggered up from the bunk.

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea too” Chantelle nodded, “it’s just through that door”

“Coming to join me?” Frankie winked.

“You just get on and get yourself sorted” Chantelle snapped, “one of us needs to be up and about and keeping an eye on things.  Get yourself cleaned up, then we can make some plans”

Frankie, grumbling under his breath, staggered into the washroom.

* * * *

 

“I don’t reckon I slept a wink!”  Archibald announced to the world in general, and Josiah in particular.

Josiah, suddenly aware of a voice beside him, risked opening one eye and became conscious of the grey light of early morning and a decidedly fed up, Archibald Thurble, in that order.

He yawned and stretched, in a contorted way, as if trying to keep the action a secret, and then said, “What were you saying, Archibald?”

“I said, I don’t reckon I slept a wink last night, not on this bloody bonk-ette”

“Well, that is strange, because, as I recall, you were snoring ‘like a stuck pig’ as my late father used to say, whilst I was still reading my book, and that was just before they dimmed the lights” Josiah looked at his employee, sternly, “in point of fact, the lady seated in the row in front, had cause to complain about the noise.  I note that she has, since, moved elsewhere in the lounge and I, for one, cannot blame her”

“I don’t snore!” Archibald said, in a hurt tone, “and I didn’t get a wink, what with this bonk-ette and the ship rocking all over the shop!”

“Well, you must believe what you choose to believe, Archibald”

“Plus, I’m all itchy” Archibald squirmed in his seat.

“Must you wriggle like that?”

“Yes, ‘cause I’m all itchy!” Archibald said, indignantly, still squirming, “it’s ‘cause I haven’t had a shower since I don’t know when?  Me mam would have a fit if she knew!  She’s always insists on me having a shower every morning, whether I need it or not”

“Very laudable and I commend your mother’s dedication to personal hygiene.  Nevertheless, these are unusual circumstances and we must make of them what we can.  I believe there are some communal facilities on this deck”

“I’m not going in no shared showers!” Archibald said, firmly, “be like going back to school.  All them wet towels flickin’ and stuff!”

“I hardly think the passengers of this ferry would descend to such juvenile activities, Archibald.” Josiah shook his head, “Not even in your case!”  He added, archly.

“Well…you never know” Archibald looked around at his fellow passengers, with deep suspicion.

“If it is such a concern to you, why don’t you pop along to Miss Lace’s cabin and ask if you can make use of her private facilities”

“D’you reckon she’d let me?”

“I see no reason why not, particularly as the company has paid for her accommodation.  I’m sure she would be happy to oblige” Josiah closed his eyes again, in an effort to shut out a world that, regrettably, contained more than an adequate supply of Archibald Thurble.

“Right then!”  Archibald rummaged in his luggage, produced a garishly coloured wash-bag, and marched off in the direction of Chantelle’s cabin.

Now read Episode 38