Summer Holiday? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 21)

Continued from Episode 20 - Pack Up!

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock. A chance encounter with Frankie Knight's girlfriend, Chantelle Lace, has led to her volunteering to accompany our Undertakers on their ferry journey back to the UK.  Archibald has just been helping her to pack and lock up her villa, closely monitored by D.I. Wood:

Josiah Oakshott heaved a deep sigh of relief as the sports car, containing Chantelle and Archibald Thurble, slid to a halt outside the funeral parlour.

"My dear Miss Lace,” He said, as he fussed around the car, “I must admit that I feared you perhaps had become lost, or some unfortunate event had befallen you."

"No, we're fine.” Chantelle beamed, “How could I go wrong with Archie here to protect me?" She grinned, patting Archibald on the knee.

"Archie?  Really?"  Josiah's eyebrows made a concerted effort to migrate to the top of his head.  Archibald had the good grace to blush deeply as he prised himself out of the car.

"Chant…er, Miss Lace had to pack and lock up and stuff.  I helped her put some things together."  He said, proudly.

"I wonder whose things were being put together" Josiah muttered, then out loud, "Archibald, I have positioned the van at the rear of the premises in anticipation of your return.  We must act quickly to remove the deceased from the Chapel of Rest and place his remains into the van for onward transportation.  Our very kind colleague from the funeral home is desirous of closing for the evening and we must, ourselves, make haste if we are to join the ferry, as we propose, tomorrow."

Archibald looked at him blankly for a moment, then inspiration dawned.

"You want me to shift the stiff?"

Josiah winced.  "I would like you to assist me with the removal of Sir Lewisham's coffin, yes."

"Can I help at all?" Chantelle asked, sweetly.

"I fear not, Miss Lace.  Only those of us professionally trained in the manual handling of such objects may be employed in their transit.  If you would care to wait for us in the hotel bar, we shall join you in due course."

Chantelle shrugged and made for a vacant table.  Archibald trailed dutifully after his employer.

******

"The two undertakers are heading around the back of the funeral home.  I know the small one put the van around there a bit back, so I guess they're going to shift the coffin, away from prying eyes I suppose."  D.S. Stone shifted the pink binoculars slightly to the right, "Chantelle's parked herself at a table on the front of the bar and seems to be getting herself outside of a Pina Colada."

"Right, well, if they're on the move, then so are we, Stoney-boy" D.I. Wood rubbed his hands in anticipation, "If we've got no Frankie to escort home, then we've got to do what the gaffer ordered and stick like glue to this shower."

"Do you think they'll lead us to him?"  D.S. Stone asked, doubtfully.

"Your guess is as good as mine, sunshine.  All I know is, in the absence of Frankie, following his missus is probably our best hope.  I've a feeling in my water that those other two buggers have got something to do with it as well.  I'm just not sure what, but the only way we're going to find out is if we follow them.  Looks like we've got a long ride home on a slow boat to Blighty, old son!"

******

Chantelle heaved a sigh of relief as the bright yellow van, with the floral motifs, pulled up outside the hotel bar.  Some considerable time had elapsed since Josiah and Archibald had left to deal with the coffin, and she was beginning to wonder if there had been a change of heart.  Had they decided to travel on without her?  Seeing them climb out of the van, looking, she noted, somewhat dishevelled, meant that her plan, such as it was, could still work.

"Hello boys!" She chirruped, "I thought you'd run off without me for a minute.  That’s a very unusual van for your profession, isn’t it?"

"Please accept my profound apologies for the delay, dear lady.  I regret that the late Sir Lewisham's coffin and remains proved to be a little…"  Josiah grasped for the right word.

"He was dead heavy, for a stiff" Archibald supplied.

"My colleague has summed the situation up with his usual flare for the vernacular" Josiah sighed as he eased himself into a seat at Chantelle's table.  “As to the, somewhat florid, nature of our transportation, I regret that was all that was on offer at short notice”

"You're looking tired, Mr. Oakshott" Chantelle observed.

"I must admit to feeling a little fatigued.” Josiah rubbed his furrowed brow, “It has been a demanding few days, and the prospect of an overnight drive to Santander does not fill me with unrelieved joy"

"I can help out with the driving, Mr. O." Archibald volunteered.

"I think not, Archibald" Josiah shook his head, firmly, "My colleague has a somewhat…robust approach to driving,” He explained to Chantelle, “which has been rather exacerbated by the complexities of driving, as he puts it, on the wrong side of the road"

"Everything's in the wrong place!" Archibald said, gloomily.

"Perhaps I could share some of the driving?  I've driven all sorts of things in my time, I'm sure I could handle that" Chantelle nodded toward the bright yellow van.

"That is enormously kind of you, Miss Lace, but I had assumed you would be following in your sports car?"

"I can find somewhere to stash that for a while, don't you worry.  It could be fun, the three of us, in the van?" She beamed at her two companions, one of whom looked dubious whilst the other looked as if he was trying to unknot a difficult philosophical conundrum.  Eventually, light dawned,

"You're coming with us?"  Archibald asked.

"That is the proposition Miss Lace has advanced.”  Josiah nodded, “Whilst I would prefer not to call further upon your undoubted good nature, my dear, I must admit that it would solve a tricky problem.  Are you sure you can manage without your own vehicle?  How will you proceed when we disembark at Portsmouth?"

"Don't you worry about me, Mr. Oakshott.  I'm a resourceful girl.  I'll get by" And I'll be able to keep a close eye on that coffin and its contents, she thought.

******

"Now what's happening?"  D.I. Wood had been tapping his fingers on the steering wheel for some minutes, much to the annoyance of D.S. Stone who had been tasked with watching the hotel bar with his toy binoculars.

"I'm not sure.  They've brought the van round and now they're having a conflab in the bar"

"I wish I knew what they were saying" D.I. Wood said, wistfully.

"Would you like me to go back to the Gift Shop and see if they've got a My Little Unicorn Acoustic Listening Device?"

"They don't have those, do they?" D.I. Wood noticed the look on his colleague's face, "No, right"

"Looks like they're making a move, sir.  Chantelle's driving off in her sporty number but the other two seem to be dithering about around the van.  Do we follow her, or what?"

"No, stick with the two in the van.  We stand a better chance of hanging on to them, and you can't really miss something like that on the road, can you?"

There was a long pause, broken only by D.I. Wood's erratic percussion on the wheel.

"Well, that's a turn up!" D.S. Stone announced, "She's back, but she's on foot"

"Let me have a gander" D.I. Wood grabbed the pink binoculars from his subordinate, just in time to enjoy Chantelle sashaying toward the bar. "Hmm, interesting"

"In more ways than one, I would imagine" D.S. Stone remarked, sourly.

"Now, now, sunshine, let's keep it professional." D.I. Wood adjusted the binoculars, "looks like she's getting in the van with them.  That could make our job a lot easier"

"Three birds with one stone?"  D.S. Stone smirked

"Give me strength! Get the motor started, it's 'game on' Stoney"

******

"I'll take the first shift, if you have no objection Miss Lace?"

"Not at all, Mr. Oakshott.  I can keep Archie here, company" Chantelle beamed at Archibald, who gulped.

"Are we all ready?" Josiah looked at his two companions.

"Let's do it" Chantelle agreed.

"We're all going on a sum…" Archibald began to sing, before a look from Josiah stopped him in his tracks.

Chantelle cast a glance over her shoulder at the coffin, wedged in place in the back of the van.  She knew Frankie was in there but alive or dead, that was another question.  What she did need to find out was where Frankie was going to finish up and in what state?  All she could do was hang in there and see where the journey led.  She'd had some odd trips in her time, but this one looked like taking the biscuit.

Now read on in Part 22