Lamenting the lock-up

“Looks like we might be going in the lock-up again, Mr. O.”  Archibald announced, jauntily, as he entered with the mid-morning cup of tea.

“I think you may be referring to the possibility of another national lockdown, Archibald.” Josiah replied, wearily. “A lock-up is a somewhat informal term for a prison, gaol or some other form of involuntary incarceration”

“Must be getting it mixed up with summat else, I suppose” Archibald conceded.

“I can guess in which direction your mind might be running and I can understand your confusion.” Josiah accepted his tea, gratefully, and took a deep draught, “However, I doubt that another national lockdown is either likely or helpful at the present time”

“Oh, I hope not!” Archibald replied, with feeling, “we still can’t get in our front room for toilet rolls”

“My understanding is that certain, more modest, restrictions are being mooted.  Amongst which, the closure of public houses at 10 p.m. is one idea being promoted.”

“I can’t see that making much difference, Mr. O.”  Archibald shook his head, mournfully, “me Nan was just the same when the boozers used to close at half past ten in the week, she just started earlier”

“I think that has been one of the critiques of the suggestion, not specifically directed at your grandmother, of course, coupled with the observation that the virus does not magically disappear at that hour.  Other possibilities are that households may be restricted from meeting up, again, which could have unfortunate consequences for you and your fiancée” Josiah observed.

“Well, I dunno if it would make much difference if I’m honest” Archibald replied, glumly, “I don’t get to see much of her as it is!”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Archibald.  What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s since she got this new job with that mate of yours” Archibald slumped into the chair opposite Josiah, much to Josiah’s quiet annoyance as he had not been invited to do so.

“You are referring, I take it, to her position with Cadwallader and Carruthers?”

“Yeah, she’s really enjoying it but she’s that keen!”  Archibald shook his head in amazement at her enthusiasm.

“Well, surely that is something to be praised and celebrated?” Josiah remarked, pointedly.

“Oh, I’m not knocking it” Archibald explained, “I’m glad she’s enjoying it.  She hated working in the chip shop.  It’s just…well, she keeps working extra hours ‘cause she wants to learn about all the different things.  Then, when she does get home, she’s too knack…”  A stern look from Josiah prompted a certain amount of conversational editing. “She’s too tired and sha…shattered to want to do anything”

“I can understand your disappointment, Archibald, but you must give her your support.  Learning a new and demanding role is always likely to be a challenge and it is creditable that Ms. Ryder is taking her new duties as seriously as she obviously is.”  Josiah smiled at his employee. “Between you and I, Ezekiel Cadwallader has confided that he is very pleased with her progress to date.” 

“Well, I suppose” Archibald conceded, grudgingly. “If we do have another co…lock-up, then I don’t know when I’ll ever see her!”

“We must be mindful of the potential impact of the virus on those in society who are particularly vulnerable.  It is only by being collectively responsible that we will be able to shield those who are most at risk from potential harm”

“Like Dick” Archibald stated.

“Like who?”

“Dick!  You know, him what owns Dick’s Doughnuts down the road?  They've got that slogan 'If it's got a hole in it, it must be a Dick'”

“Ah, Mr. Bundle!  Yes, I am aware of his enterprise.  Why did you mention him?”

“Well, he’s a big lad isn’t he?  And he’s got that dye-a-beetroot thingy”

“Dye-a-beetroot?” Josiah considered this latest Archibaldism for a few moments before, “do you perhaps mean, diabetes?”

“Yeah, that’s the stuff!” Archibald confirmed, “he’s a martyr to it on account of having to sample the goods”

“Well, I agree that it must be an occupational hazard but I think there’s a fine line to be drawn between ‘sampling’ and gorging” Josiah said, somewhat sanctimoniously.

“Yeah, he’s a bit of a gannet” Archibald nodded, “plus his breathing’s a bit dodgy on account of him smoking forty a day”

“Yes, well, when I referred to the more vulnerable in society, I suppose I really had in mind those who suffered from chronic illnesses, through no fault of their own, rather than those, like Mr. Bundle, who seem to have suicidal tendencies” Josiah said, huffily.

“It wouldn’t do him no good if he got the virus though, would it?”

“I would agree that he would appear, on the face of it, to be somewhat more at risk than most but a few, simple lifestyle changes might considerably reduce the risk.”  Josiah pointed out, “whilst society has a duty of care to the individual, the reverse also holds true”

“He’s on about getting one of them nobility scooters”

“Nobility scooters!”  Josiah sniggered, “he obviously has delusions of grandeur”

“No, Memphis-ema I think it was.  Any road, he says he gets out of breath going from the counter to the front door, so he’s getting one of them scooters so he can zip about.  Innit funny how none of them women what have them on the telly have got anything wrong with them?”

“I’m sorry?”  Even for Archibald, this was a bewildering change of subject.

“Well, you know how, in them adverts what come on in the daytime, there’s always someone who’s whizzing about on one of them scooters and then they get off and they’re striding up to their car like nobody’s business”

“Ah yes, I see what you mean” Josiah was glad to be back on firmer ground.

“And them what have them baths where you can open a door in the side and just walk in.  They never look like they need ‘em.”  Archibald said, warming to his theme, “or them in them chairs that push you up.  They go bouncing off like there’s no tomorrow, once they’re stood up!”

“I imagine that the advertisers take the view that, seeing people with real disabilities using such devices, would not present the positive image with which they wish their potential customers to identify” Josiah suggested.

“Yeah, well, it’s not right.  Me Mam got one of them chairs for me Nan ‘cause she thought it would help her”

“Was it beneficial?”

“Nah, not really.  It got her upright and all that but then she just fell flat on her face!”  Archibald explained, “well, you would after 16 export lagers, wouldn’t you?”

“I imagine that would be a likely outcome” Josiah nodded, “however, I think it would be a little unfair to blame the marketing of such aids for your grandmother’s unfortunate experience”

“Well, I think me Mam thought she would go jogging away like them on the adverts”

“I doubt that ‘them on the adverts’ have consumed their own weight in alcohol”

“No, don’t suppose they have” Archibald agreed, “well, this won’t get the baby washed.  I can’t sit here chatting all day!”

“Indeed you cannot” Josiah answered, firmly, “and neither can I, for that matter.  Thank you for the tea, Archibald, and I hope that your young lady’s duties become less onerous with time and you are able to enjoy each other’s company once again”

Archibald stood and considered this sentence for a while before nodding.

“Yeah, me too, Mr.O.”  He said, turning toward the door, “I think!”

Josiah and Archibald now have a book of their stories all to themselves.  You can share their misadventures in Grave Expecations available on Kindle for just 99p, or FREE on Kindle Unlimited!