The story's all there but I think the twist is too much of a twist. I'd get Charlie in right in the first line. 'Alfred could love or leave his family but Charlie was his mate...' or something like that. And I'd give the impression that Janet was...
I'd change the structure. So you have verses of 5, 3, 3, 5. The first 2 verses I'd leave. 'a soubrette I had met' can go and the third line, 'a dancer from the Moulin Rouge'....
Love this. You pierce the
Posted on Sat, 28 Dec 2019
Love this. You pierce the shape perfectly.
Read full commentPosted in Decagon
But don't expect them to buy
Posted on Mon, 16 Dec 2019
But don't expect them to buy you a beer. They might buy the brewery via an offshore company and put up the price selling it as artisan.
Read full commentPosted in Knowing when it's all up
Both Angel, and myself, are
Posted on Thu, 12 Dec 2019
Both Angel, and myself, are in need of a morning after pill.
Read full commentPosted in Angel 78 (old friends and new)
The story's all there but I
Posted on Fri, 06 Dec 2019
The story's all there but I think the twist is too much of a twist. I'd get Charlie in right in the first line. 'Alfred could love or leave his family but Charlie was his mate...' or something like that. And I'd give the impression that Janet was...
Read full commentPosted in Where The Hell is Charlie?
Brilliant. Love it.
Posted on Thu, 21 Nov 2019
Brilliant. Love it.
Read full commentPosted in Mars
Thank you. And now that makes
Posted on Sun, 17 Nov 2019
Thank you. And now that makes perfect sense.
Read full commentPosted in A Jewel
I love this.
Posted on Sun, 17 Nov 2019
I love this.
Read full commentBut what is Kennabi?
Posted in A Jewel
I agree. I like these kind of
Posted on Thu, 14 Nov 2019
I agree. I like these kind of memory pieces. However, and it's just my opinion, I didn't like the '...'. I don't think you needed them.
Read full comment'Sisters are great but there are times in certain adolescent years that older sisters can view...
Posted in Rockefeller Center Babysitting Service
I agree. Like the movement
Posted on Thu, 14 Nov 2019
I agree. Like the movement between the images and also the final two lines.
A couple of things. I can't see how a 'car slams shut'. 'a car door slams, shut, cocoons...'
What's 'bouguet'? Do you mean bouquet?
Read full commentPosted in layers
I love the setting.
Posted on Tue, 12 Nov 2019
I love the setting.
Just an opinion.
I'd change the structure. So you have verses of 5, 3, 3, 5. The first 2 verses I'd leave. 'a soubrette I had met' can go and the third line, 'a dancer from the Moulin Rouge'....
Read full commentPosted in Godot
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