A Paki Parrot and The Undertaker's Son

What's your name then?

Mohammed.

Mohammed what? Are you a Paki or somethin?

No. none of my family is Paki, except that...

Except what?

Except my parrot.

Except your parrot! Are you kiddin me or somethin?

No, He swears he is a Paki parrot.

Did you buy him in a bloody Paki market or somethin?

No, I found him lying in the middle of the road with the broken
wing

and he kept f-ing and blinding, screaming that he was thrown out of
the

window because, he is a Paki.

Did you not wring his bloody neck then and put him out of his
agony?

I wanted to for the fun of it, but my dad stopped me.

Is your old man a paki lover or somethin?

No, He is an animal lover. We took him to a vet. It cost dad loads
of

money to mend his wing. Then he bought him a gilded cage with a
swing

and a feeder and a plastic goldfish to play with so he doesn't
get

bored. And he bought the year's insurance against future injury
and

illness.

Bloodt hell! All that for a Paki parrot.

My dad and mum just love animals. They first met at the rally in

Trafalgar Square, to protest against the culling of the
pigeons.Dad

still goes away on anti-fox hunting marches. for all I know, he
might

have blown up some of those places where they do funny things to

animals.

You mean cut them up, somethin like animal labs. what makes you
say

that then?

Well, I have seen him messing around with the electric wires and

switches in the basement and once I saw him blow up a body.

Jesus! I am impressed. A bloody murderer for a dad.

No, not really, he is an undertaker and the body was lying in the

funeral parlour. The bomb must have accidently gone off. there
were

bits of flesh everywhere. mum and dad had to work all night to
stitch

up the tears and sticks bones together with a sort of quick fix
glue.

Mum is a trained make-up artist, you know! In the morning you
wouldn't

have known the difference. Everyone at the funeral said how
beautiful

and serene the dear departed looked.

It is so wierd, your mum and dad. I wouldn't want to be taken to
your

dad's funeral parlour, even if your mum makes me look like David

Beckham.

Don't worry, it won't happen. my parents want to sell the
business.

Why is that then?

We have collected lots of other pets. there are monkeys, rabbits,

terrapins, turtles, a large python, quiet a few macaws, to say
nothing

of couple of cats and a dog ....

Yeah, yeah, and now a Paki parrot.

And of course a large fish tank. they all live in the funeral
parlour.

it is getting crowded there. especially in winter when the business
is

brisk, people dying of freezing cold and a flu epidemic. there are
lots

of bodies lying around.

Oh, Heck! You need a bloody Noah'ark for all that.

No, Just Hampstead Heath. Mum and dad have big plans. They want
to

build a chapel of rest, a cremoatorium and a graveyard with
gardens,

water fountains, all peaceful like, and with different plots where
pets

of different beliefs would be buried. there will be special
services

with a mullah, a rabbi and a priest etc in attendance.

Belie me. now you have yiddish cats, hindu cows, christian dogs,
leave

aside Paki parrots, all getting buried on Hampstead Heath. Animals
are

not people, they can not think or talk. they do not fight for
their

beliefs, like humans do? for chriss- sake.

Mum says, they will have the beliefs of their owners You do not have
to

think to believe in something. Most of us follow the religion we
are

born in. Anyway, funeral ceremonies are not for the ones who have
died

but they are for the living left behind, to make them feel good
about

themselves.

You need loads of money for all that, man! my old man can't even
afford

a decent telly.

It is easy, man. People love their pets and would like to give
them

right royal send off to the next world. Our bank thinks it is a
good

money making idea and has agreed to advance us a loan. The mayor
wants

to be involved in the project. He thinks it will win him next term
in

office.

Cool, man cool. do you think your mum will teach me to be a
make-up

artist? by the way, do you want to come to flics? They are
showing

Jurrassic Park at the classics. I know how to get in free.

Ta very much, and I will certainly talk to mum for you to learn
the

trade.

Tell me then, why did they call you mohammed, if you are not a
Paki?

Oh that, my dad named me after the famous American boxer. Dad
loves

boxing.

Well, I never, and how is your Paki parrot then?

He is o.k, but he no more thinks he is a Paki parrot. he is fluent
in

english now and thinks he is pakka English saheb now, except
only...

Except only what?

Except when he is watching cricket match.

Then what?

Then he thinks, he is a Paki