Honesty

What do you call that feeling you get when you can't suppress the
butterflies in your stomach? Or the smile that strains every muscle in
your face? It cannot be called love because doesn't love take time to
grow? Doesn't love form between two people who know each other better
than anyone and who trust each other beyond all doubt? Maybe that is
just what we think love should be. Wouldn't it be easier to just
believe in love at first sight? To be swept off your feet every time
someone even slightly reasonable came along?
Unfortunately, I am not one of these people; I never throw myself into
a relationship head first; well, not normally anyway. Although this
time I think it's different. It must be different because I have never
had this 'feeling' before, or not this strongly anyway. Although I have
never begun a relationship in this way before, You know, I never knew
how important honesty is in a relationship, until now.
*
Josh and I had been together for 6 months and despite that we were
never that close. If there was a problem in the relationship I always
over-looked it or simply put up with it. Well you do at the start don't
you? You forgive what you think will be fine after a few months of
being together, but it never turns out that way. The problem grows and
spreads until it manifests itself in such a repulsive and utterly
irritating way that you want to scream, run and never look back. Maybe
that is a slight exaggeration, but still a problem unspoken is still a
problem. I guess I am just a typical Libra, in the sense that I am a
hopeless romantic when it comes to relationships and I hate
confrontation of any kind. Even telling the waitress at my favourite
restaurant that she got my order wrong for the fifth time makes me feel
uncomfortable and picky.

Anyway, Josh and I were two very different people; me being the
romantic and him thinking that a 15-minute rendezvous in the upstairs
bedroom during a party is the epitomy of romance. I am an extremely
ambitious person, I aim to rise up the ranks of 'Intel incorporated,'
the company I am presently employed at as a marketing manager's
assistant. Josh, however, seems content working as a fryer in a
mediocre restaurant in Whitely. As you can see, from the beginning
there were going to be problems. However, we did get on well, or at
least reasonably well, and we didn't fight at all. Although, like I
said, Libra's hate confrontation so I tended to keep the things that
irritated me to myself. Until I met Sam, that is.
Sam worked in my building in accounting; he had only recently been
employed, but had already made a name for himself. He was hard working,
approachable and a generally nice guy, so I had been told. I hadn't
really spoken to him before until the company sent a 'select few' on a
team building exercise and we were both 'selected'. We got on well
whilst we worked together, but we didn't really chat or get to know
each other particularly well during the course. However, from the first
email I received from him (a reply to my general one sent to those that
went on the course about how 'fun' it was and how I felt the team
spirit growing - a sarcastic email if you didn't pick that up) I felt
something. I read it and I laughed out loud. I always thought it was
strange when I saw someone reading and laughing out loud. I mean, its
different if you're talking to someone, but when you are alone I never
thought there was any point in laughing loudly if there was no-one to
hear it; but I digress.
Anyway, I replied to his hilarious email with some witty retorts (I
pride myself on my quick wit - sad, really) and from then on our email
relationship boomed. It was all purely platonic, of course. He had a
girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. There was, unsurprisingly, the
occasional sexual innuendo, but we both knew that it was all just
good-humoured fun.

Soon we started chatting over messaging services nearly every night,
but it was still totally innocent (it was, honest!). I felt that I had
found someone I could really talk to about anything, someone who would
listen to me and give me an honest opinion no matter what. It was a
fantastic feeling.
*
Over this time Josh and I had been together, plodding along at a pace
that seemed to be slowing with each week. He didn't seem to notice a
change in me; but I had. I no longer rang him after work to see how he
was and I even became slightly exasperated with his chat about his day,
his friends who I thought were prats and his boss who was a prat. More
and more often I noticed I was making excuses not to see him. I was too
tired, had too much work etc.
Was that normal? Was that just because it had been almost 5 months and
it was about time we settled into the 'comfortable' phase of the
relationship where it wasn't important to always see each other or make
as much of an effort? Well, it certainly didn't feel comfortable. I
still did not like his friends and it bothered me that he had no
ambition. I mean a man with a goal is an attractive thing; it shows
dedication.
The only person I could talk to about this was Sam. We always chatted
about our relationships and pet peeves. We could always off load any
worries onto each other and rely on some decent, sage advice; well, I
could anyway.

One night when we were talking, as always over the Internet, he told me
he had been having problems with his girlfriend. She had been messing
him about and he seemed so hurt and confused. He spoke (well, wrote)
with such emotion and I felt so awful for him. He asked me for advice
and all I wanted was to say something that would make his pain go away.
Something touching and mature that could make him feel I was someone
worthy of confiding in; but typical me, all I could think of to say was
"I'm sure it will be OK". PLEASE! Could I have been more trite?! I
don't think I could have come out with anything more pathetic and
unfeeling. I really have to practice this whole 'giving advice'
thing.

The next week my friend, who works with Sam in accounting, told me she
had seen him out at the pub a few nights ago, alone and looking very
depressed. My heart sank. I knew he must be feeling absolutely awful
and I immediately rushed to my computer and sent him simply:
"R U OK?"
Simple, yet heart felt. He replied within a few minutes:
"Can we meet up?"
*
I was a bit taken aback at first, I mean meet? Actually meet up at a
pre-planned destination with the sole purpose of seeing each other? The
concept thrilled me.
Would it be different in person? Would we feel awkward?
I knew I wanted to find out.

We arranged to meet down the local pub, which was on middle ground and
close to work. I left work a little over excited and, despite all my
efforts, I was early. I had promised myself I would not get there
before him and end up waiting around looking like a lemon, but I did.
Ten minutes after I arrived and had finally sorted myself out a table
and was waiting calmly (well, what I thought looked calmly) when some
friends of mine, who were also good friends of Josh, walked in. Damn.
They came over and started chatting; I tried to remain composed, but
could not help glancing nervously at the door every minute or so. I
hoped no one would notice; someone did.
"So you meeting Josh here then?" Stephanie asked. Steph, one the
nosiest and most irritatingly self-righteous girls at work, who was
also the girl friend of Josh's best mate.
"Umm&;#8230;well&;#8230;err&;#8230;not exactly," I stammered.
Why did I feel so nervous? Sam was only a mate who I was meeting for a
drink; it was nothing sordid.
"Just meeting up with a friend for a drink, you know, to catch up."
Smooth, I thought.
Before Steph had a chance to question me further Sam came in the
door.
"Sorry got to go," I practically screamed. I rushed past them dodging
the crowd, grabbed Sam's arm and to his great surprise bundled him back
out the door he had just walked through.
"Err, what?! Oh, hi?" he said as he managed to extricate himself from
my grasp.
"What just happened there?"
"Oh just some people I would rather not run into," I replied blushing
violently, "fancy going for a walk instead? We could swing by the
chippy."
From that point it was amazing. We chatted and laughed, shared some
chips (well I ate his) and we kept getting some of our little, private
jokes into the conversation. Anyone listening to us would have thought
we were mad.
We talked about his 'ex' and he said he thought he was coping, but then
he saw her the other day with another man who, to add insult to injury,
was one of the most annoying people he knew. I could tell it was hard
for him to talk about. I felt so special that night, walking around in
the cold night air with the light fading and a man who felt that he
could trust me enough to share his feelings so willingly; it was
wonderful.
*
Over the next few weeks, things with Josh went from bad to worse. He
started working more often and the less I saw of him, the less I wanted
to see him. It wasn't that he was doing anything 'wrong', but he wasn't
doing anything 'right' either. I didn't feel attractive or loved around
him anymore; not that I did before anyway (refer to his definition of
romance I described earlier). I felt selfish for feeling the way I did,
but you cannot help how you feel can you?
My email relationship with Sam also seemed to wane over this time. We
hadn't met up again and I found out that Alice, who worked in my
office, had also been emailing him. For some reason that bothered me.
Call me insecure if you want, call me possessive and petty, because on
review of my behaviour, I would agree with you.

The last week in December is when it all came together, or fell apart,
depending on how you look at it. I decided, after much thought, that it
was over with Josh, we were going nowhere and it was time to move on. I
went round to his flat on a Saturday, all ready to end it and for that
to be that. I was a little upset, but only really because I hated
breaking up with people (the whole 'Libra' thing again). Maybe that's
where it all went wrong? Maybe if I had just been born under another
star sign, none of this would have been a problem. I would have had
enough strength to go up to Josh say "it just isn't working" and for
that to be that. However, I was born a Libra and I am bad at handling
these types of situations, so there is no point speculating about 'what
ifs'
Anyway, back to that fateful Saturday afternoon. Walking up to the
front door, I felt awful, mean, cruel and nasty because I didn't think
Josh had any idea what was coming next. A piece of advice for anyone in
my position: never agree to go to his or her house when you are
planning to end it. It is intimidating, as you know they have a certain
level of control and dominance on 'their territory'. Well, that's how I
felt. Still, I summoned the courage to knock on the door and waited for
him to answer.

I will not bore you with the details of what happened in Josh's house
on that Saturday afternoon but, to summarise: Josh was feeling
particularly affectionate, did not want to talk about 'us' and replied
to my tentative questions about 'where he thought we were going' with
sexual advances. Needless to say, I left his house feeling weak,
pathetic and heavily not single.
*
That same evening I was still feeling very annoyed with myself. I even
considered taking the coward's way out and phoning him to end it. I
couldn't do that to him. I knew he did not deserve that kind of
treatment and I did not deserve such an easy way out. I was actually
even considering the possibility that I had been wrong about the
relationship and that he could change and we could work things out. I
was extremely confused. I did not actually have much time to
contemplate this; however, because I had agreed to join some people
from work for a Christmas do at Steph's house. I told myself that I
would have a good time, I didn't believe it. My self-confidence was at
an all time low by the evening, so while I was getting ready I had a
few glasses of wine to perk myself up. Well, at least I thought it was
a few!

When I arrived at Steph's the room was already swaying before my eyes.
At least I had had enough sense not to drive, but it had taken a while
for me to get the directions across to the taxi driver.
At first the evening was fine. I was rushing around chatting and
dancing, taking full advantage of my newly found (or alcohol induced)
self-confidence. I saw Sam sitting down by the stereo and Alice was all
over him. I felt a surge of hot jealousy flow though me. I couldn't
just let her take this bloke who I built up such a meaningful
relationship with, could I? Admittedly Sam and I had not met up again
recently, because we had both been so busy (and I couldn't get up the
nerve to actually suggest it) but still, he was my property.
Usually when I am, ahem, under the influence of alcoholic substances, I
think about Josh, want him to be there with me. Not this time however,
Josh who?
Anyway, back to Sam. I went over and started to talking with him and
Alice, who was actually a really lovely girl, I felt stupid for being
so jealous of her earlier. Sam and I continued chatting and we danced
around the living room making fun of each others dancing (although I am
pretty sure we both looked quite silly). For some reason I kept wanting
him to look at me and just pay attention to me. All right, alcohol may
do that to people, but it encouraged me to be less than subtle about
it. As the evening progressed (along with my alcohol consumption) much
of the room started to blur and images seemed to merge into one, and
then with a sudden jolt back to reality I realised I was kissing
Sam!
No one saw; they were all to busy enjoying themselves to notice. That
didn't make me feel any better and what was worse was that the kiss was
incredible! Usually I find that a drunken snog is very clumsy and
sloppy; but this, it was perfect. Our lips seemed to lock together as
if they were made for each other; at that point I was convinced that
they were.

When I was rudely shocked back to the reality of the situation by my
guilt, I panicked. I pulled away from Sam's equally shocked expression
and rushed upstairs to take refuge in one of the spare bedrooms.
How could I have done it? Josh didn't deserve this; no one does, but
what about Sam? Did that mean anything to him? It must have done! But
what if it didn't?
I was still staggeringly drunk at this point and it did not help me try
to straighten out my thoughts.
Why didn't I break up with Josh when I had the chance? Could I phone
him and end it now? Of course not! Consider his feelings!
This thought cast me back to my final summer at University. I remember
walking in on my boyfriend of three years in bed with another woman. I
flinched as I recalled the heart stabbing pain I had felt.
However Josh wasn't the devastation type. Plus it had only been, what?
Five months? I flinched again as I remembered that it was our six-month
anniversary on Monday. A knock at the door made me start. I saw his
face in the darkness of the room. The light coming through the door
highlighted his features and they were set in a firm yet gentle
expression of concern. Concern for me. I felt my insides quiver.
"Are you OK?" he asked tentatively, his voice full of worry.
"Umm&;#8230;yeah, I am fine" I sniffed trying to stop my voice
shaking. I realised at that point that my whole body was shaking.
"Look, I am so sorry, I shouldn't have done that!" he stammered (so he
had kissed me, I hadn't been sure) "not that I didn't want to" he
continued after a silence "I mean, I really care for you, but I know
you are still with, what's his name Josh?" I missed most of what he had
said. The words "I care for you" echoed in my head like a forgotten
memory reawakened; I realised it had been months since someone had said
that to me. Before I knew what had happened, I had leaned in and kissed
him. It was even more perfect than before. From that moment I was lost.
I forgot about the guilt, I forgot about what people like Steph would
say, all I wanted was to be with Sam. Feel his lips on my skin; his
hands gently stroking my face in such a tender way that made my entire
soul melt. It was one of those nights that you wish would last forever;
but it never does.
*
In the morning when I woke up my head was reeling and my stomach was
churning. I made my way down to the kitchen picking my way through the
empty bottles and hung-over bodies, stopping in the bathroom to try and
return some sign of life back into my ashen, mascara-smeared face.
Clips from last night kept replaying in my head. Kissing, talking about
anything and everything, more kissing. It was the first time I had felt
such a strong connection with someone emotionally, and physically, for
years!

I found Steph in the kitchen washing up some of the glasses that
actually remained unbroken.
"Oh good morning," she chirped energetically. I flinched. I hate
morning people. I myself, being strongly against any form of high
pitched, jolly conversation before at least one cup of coffee, find it
immensely annoying when others are not the same. Especially when I have
a hang over.
This morning however, I had woken up in the arms of someone who made me
feel special and made me feel loved. This thought put me in a much
better mood to deal with Steph.
"Morning Steph" I replied in a tone which I hoped equalled her
cheerfulness "thanks for the party, it was fabulous!" Ha! I thought. I
can be just as chirpy and annoying in the morning.
"I bet you did," she answered giving me a dirty look up and down "where
did you disappear to?"
Dammit. Ruin a persons good mood why don't you. I hadn't thought about
Josh since I had sobered up. A fresh wave of guilt swept over me.
"Oh&;#8230;err&;#8230;well&;#8230;I was around. Just didn't
run into you I suppose" Smooth. Real smooth, considering the party was
only in about three rooms downstairs, so the chances of me not seeing
her would have been slim to none.
"Yeah I'm sure," she said giving me another disapproving look.
'Rich coming from you' I thought, considering she got together with her
boyfriend whilst he was still involved with his 'ex' also her best
friend at the time!

I hurriedly left the kitchen and made my way back up into the room I
had left Sam sleeping in. I was in a daze, what had I done? I was a
slut, a cheat, an easy, dirty whore. I began to feel even more
sick.
I slowly opened the door to the bedroom; my heart melted all over
again. He looked so peaceful and yet masculine lying there, his hair
sticking out at all angles, the gentle sound of his breathing filling
the room. I closed the door behind me and watched him for a while. His
broad chest slowly rising and falling in a steady rhythm, who was it
that said, "you know you're in love with someone when you can just sit
and watch them sleep"? Sam slowly stirred and I became ashamedly aware
that I was staring at him and averted my gaze. When I looked back at
him, he was smiling broadly. I couldn't help it, I beamed. He put his
arm out and I climbed into bed next to him and rested my head on his
chest. I could hear his heart beating. We lay there together, me in his
arms, for what could have been a lifetime. Drifting in and out of sleep
and for the first time in six months, I felt completely content.
*
The next few hours seemed to rush by in a hung-over daze. Men and women
fighting for the bathroom, cursing each other and several people trying
to clean up and return some sense of normality to the house for Steph.
Steph herself just seemed to be walking around chatting and giving me
dirty looks; each one sent a pang of guilt through me.
Eventually I managed to collect myself together and order a taxi to
pick me up. I didn't trust anyone to drive, as I was sure they were all
still recovering and I felt guilty accepting Sam's offer, because it
was so out of his way and I knew he was in a hurry. He had given me a
goodbye kiss (well several actually) in a sweet, boyfriend way. I loved
each one, but they just reminded me that Sam was not my boyfriend. Josh
still was.

When I got home I had a long bath and tried to have a long think, but
my mind was still foggy. I knew I had to phone Josh as soon as I could,
but I couldn't face it. Not yet. I spent the day trying to catch up on
some work and some sleep, but I couldn't get settled and I knew I
wouldn't be able to relax until I had spoken to Josh. I phoned him
about 1pm.
"Hello" he sounded so normal and blissfully unaware of what was about
to come.
"Hi Josh, its me"
"Oh hi" Was it me or did his voice go flat? Had someone already spoken
to him? Did he already know? I panicked.
"Look, Josh. I think we need to talk, OK?" I tried to stop shaking, I
hated this! Those that think being on the receiving end of a break up
is bad obviously hasn't had to do it!
"OK, sure. Come over" he said, still sounding flat.
"Umm," I remembered the intimidation factor of being on 'their'
territory "how about we meet at the park?" Mutual ground, always best,
I thought.
We arranged to meet at 3pm. We met at 3pm. I told him that I was
'really sorry but it just wasn't working' typical stuff. I tried to
explain about last night, kept apologising and blaming the drink and
saying pathetic phrases like "You're a great guy, I just don't think
we're right for each other," and "it was the situation you know, I
never wanted to hurt you." Pathetic, weak things that no-one actually
believes. Although, I meant every word I said that day. He didn't speak
much. Just said that it was OK, when its over, its over. He didn't show
any emotion, but then he never does.
I was home by 4pm. That was that. I was single again, out of the
relationship I wanted to end, and I should have felt relieved, free. I
thought of Sam.
*
I sent Sam a short email, saying that I had ended it with Josh. I
didn't mention last night, I didn't know what he wanted, what he was
thinking. I wasn't even sure what I wanted. Was it right to start
seeing someone so soon after you had just finished a relationship? But
I couldn't turn Sam down now; I didn't want to hurt him. Not that I
wanted to turn him down in the slightest. I wanted to be with him,
that's all I knew for sure. He phoned that evening.
There was no awkwardness, no difficult silences; we just chatted
normally like we always did. Until he said: "So, you broke up with Josh
then?"
Was I supposed reply sounding upset? Happy? Relieved? Stressed? Then I
thought "this is Sam, I can be myself with Sam"
"Yes, its over"
"How did he take it?" He sounded genuinely interested.
"Not too badly, it was going to end and think he knew it" I was lying,
but I didn't want to go into detail.
"So&;#8230;" he said slowly
"Yeah, so&;#8230;" I replied playfully. I wanted to see what he
would say; I needed to know how he felt.
"Well, do you err&;#8230;want to go out sometime? I mean, I know you
have just finished with a long relationship, but I really would like to
see where this, I mean, we could go&;#8230;" I was laughing to
myself. He sounded so concerned and caring.
"Sam, I would love to go out with you sometime" I cut in. I could
almost hear him smiling, a huge wave of relief swept over me.
*
It has only been a week or so since Sam and I started seeing each other
(OK 10 days, of course I'm counting!) and I have never been so happy.
None of that awkward 'get to know you phase'. It's just enjoyable,
loving, comfortable. That's where we come back to that feeling. You
know the butterfly inducing, smile spreading feeling that engulfs your
entire being and protects you from the evils of the world, like
ex-boyfriends who leave abusive messages on your answer phone late at
night in a drunken state. OK, maybe that upset me a bit, but having Sam
there to talk to made everything all right. Well, anyway I am looking
forward to next week, because Sam thought after this whole episode we
could do with a brake, so we are going up to country for the weekend. I
cannot wait, it will be fantastic! A little cottage, fresh country air
and flowers everywhere (do flowers actually bloom in January? Never
mind, I can imagine). My experiences over the past month have taught me
some valuable lessons about relationships and how important it is to be
honest from the start. Next time I want to dump someone, I will make
sure I do it before the next party&;#8230;OK so maybe that is not
the best lesson to learn, but I am sure with Sam, I will never have to
think about it.