Ten ways to stay an amateur writer

Are you happy being an amateur writer? Do you want to stay in that
happy state? Then just follow the tips below in all your
submissions.

Don't address the editor by name.
After all, there may be many editorial staff at the publication just
waiting to jump at the chance to read your work, and you don't want
them to miss out do you?

Don't use double spacing.
You never see articles or stories published in double space do you? So
why should you bother double spacing your work, when someone is just
going to have to convert it to single spacing later?

Don't bother checking your spelling or grammar.
That's the editor's job isn't it?

Don't send return postage.
Why should you assume they'll return your work? That's defeatism. If
they want to publish it, they can write you a letter - surely they can
afford that? And as you've paid to send it to them, surely they can pay
to return it?

Don't put your name on the manuscript.
They're bound to keep your manuscript and the cover letter together
aren't they. No one would ever file correspondence and submissions in
different places. Neither would they keep your letter, and send your
submission to someone else to appraise it. That never happens.

Don't tell them how many words it is.
Surely they can count?

Don't use a standard font.
Everybody else does, and you want your manuscript to stand out from the
crowd.

Don't use a new ribbon or cartridge.
Why waste ink when the manuscript will get re-typed before publication
anyway?

Don't tell them you've sent it to other editors.
What they don't know can't hurt them. And you can always play one
editor off against an other when they both offer you publication.
Surely they'll understand that they can't expect an exclusive look at
your work without a guarantee to publish it?

Don't read the publication's guidelines.
Your work is so good that they'll have to publish it, even if it
doesn't fit what they say they want. They just don't realise that they
want it yet, that's all.

Just follow the tips above, and you're guaranteed to remain a happy
amateur for ever.