Blandness Be My Friend

Blandness be my Friend.

In speech, and writing for that matter, we cross off more unacceptable
words every day. See how offensive this is.. A fat old woman went out
for a walk in the country. With her one good eye she looked at a black
cow and a pig and a chicken.....Sorry about that but it could have been
much worse.

'Nobody's fat or old in Bath Mr Pickwick.' Said Charles Dickens, nor
anywhere else now.

Our fat old woman went out, agoraphobics can't go out, so that would
make all those cry.

One good eye is very insensitive for the visually impaired and all
other classes of disability, physical and mental. All qualifications of
vision, hearing, mobility etc are negative, even, or especially
'challenged.' They say that other senses are improved with the loss of
another. Is it time to qualify the old phrases with a positive
message?. .... enhanced or superior. In fact the use of opposites could
be mandatory in the enhancement of self-esteem legislation of the new
Century.

We can't say cow without thinking of Alf Garnett, who was not
sensitive.

Pig is either a chauvinist, or worse, a Police Officer.

The word chicken upsets the naturally timorous. And so on.

Colours are not allowed, so many of them are doubtful. We are left with
Buff, with numbers. Buff 39 is mauve etc. The word colour itself will
be replaced by hue.

Let us now re-write our example.

A beautiful slim young girl with perfect eyesight was in a non-urban
situation, without benefit of roof. A milk-providing quadruped
gladdened her keen eyes of Hue Buff 26. Reflected in them was also a
clean eating, cloven hoofed, spotless creature, she marvelled at the
wonder of it's lovely sparse hair. A fearless edible ova-producing
bird, defied the world, it was a Rhode Island Buff 41.